Would you be a little hurt…

If I was younger and in a relationship, I'd like to palm the children off with their grandparents and go away with my partner, ideally.

I dont think grandparents appreciate how tiresome it is for a busy couples to have the stress of dividing their time between two competing sets of in-laws. Young families want to relax from the stresses of work and everyday life with just their own children without having grandparents tagging along as well.

Just another lot of people they have to please.

Why not just go away with your husband?

If I were younger, I would prefer a holiday with my parents rather than my husband's parents. I can see how you might feel jealous in this situation (I would) but keep a kind heart anyways. Your son's priority should be his wife and family. You will have your turn to see the grandchildren and show cheerfulness in the DIL's company, for everyone's sake. I know you will. You sound like a very thoughtful and reasonable person.

I've actually looked back over the thread and what MoaningTurtle actually says about her son in relation to preferring to holiday with his mum is this:

My son has made it clear he would rather go with us as we don’t see that much of them and a few days break is wonderful for spending time with my grandchildren.

...which sort-of conflated the son "making it clear" with it being "wonderful for spending time with my grandchildren".

We don't know how made it clear, D2790299

NotSpaghetti

The truth is, D2790299, we can't be sure that the son really does want to holidays with his mother.

He may have said he'd rather holiday with his own parents than the in-laws in the sort of way that you might if you aren't really keen on either!
"I'd rather holiday with you mum" doesn't necessarily mean he wants to.

I would have preferred to holiday with my parents than my in-laws ... but would always rather holiday with just my husband and children!

One of my adult children is going on holiday with their in-laws this year. They have told me they would prefer to go just as a family but the in-laws are kindly paying for the flights and accommodation so they will only need to contribute to food and rent a car and the children are already very excited about it. It won't be perfect for my adult child but their spouse and children are their 1st priority and it's a lovely thing for the in-laws to do.

My adult child is grateful for the generosity of their in-laws. And so am I.

You bring up a very good point that just because he said he would RATHER vacation with his mom doesn’t necessarily means he wants to. Just out of the two options that’s where he would rather go.

Where I run into issues is that he discussed and agreed on something with his wife and than ran to his mother to basically say what we agreed upon I don’t like and told his mother as much basically saying well my wife and I as a family unit came up with this plan but I would actually rather do this instead.

That’s where the problem lies because now look the OP is clearly placing the blame on her DIL and there is going to be friction there rather than her son who is also the other adult in the relationship.

I see this trend a lot the DIL is wrongly perceived as some evil villain and the son is portrayed as some helpless innocent victim.

It strikes a cord bc it’s just another example of women being blamed for the actions of men.

The truth is, D2790299, we can't be sure that the son really does want to holidays with his mother.

He may have said he'd rather holiday with his own parents than the in-laws in the sort of way that you might if you aren't really keen on either!
"I'd rather holiday with you mum" doesn't necessarily mean he wants to.

I would have preferred to holiday with my parents than my in-laws ... but would always rather holiday with just my husband and children!

One of my adult children is going on holiday with their in-laws this year. They have told me they would prefer to go just as a family but the in-laws are kindly paying for the flights and accommodation so they will only need to contribute to food and rent a car and the children are already very excited about it. It won't be perfect for my adult child but their spouse and children are their 1st priority and it's a lovely thing for the in-laws to do.

My adult child is grateful for the generosity of their in-laws. And so am I.

MoaningTurtle

If your daughter in law said that she only wants to go on holiday with her family this year and not my side of the family?
For reference my son and family usually have a few UK breaks each year, one with the in laws and one with us.
I find it upsetting as on our holiday last year I was taken seriously ill and rushed into hospital where I nearly died and I think my DIL was really annoyed by me disturbing their holiday.
I have said I don’t mind as we grandparents do to avoid conflict but it still hurts and I know my son is upset about it.

Why are you placing all of the blame on your DIL and not your son? He is a grown man and can speak up for himself. Please
Stop villainizing your DIL while putting your son on a pedestal as a helpless innocent victim in all of this.

Also why are you discussing your son’s marriage but listening to him tell you that he wants to vacation with you while his wife doesn’t? Why aren’t you responding to your son when he tells you these things by saying, “honey you need to be discussing this with your wife instead of your mother and you guys need to work together to come up with an agreement that works for both of you.

Yes, my nan used to do it to my mum, blaming her that my dad didnt visit often

The fact was that he didnt want to listen to her veiled criticisms of my mum.

Then my mum would nag him to fo and see his mum, and it would cause friction between them.

MissAdventure

I can only see a couple blaming the daughter in law, and they have been told off by everyone else.
Yes, I agree with you about people running to their mums instead of their partners.

Ok true yes only a couple of posters blamed the DIL and I guess it’s a sore subject for me because it’s one of my biggest pet peeves.

To me it’s just another example of the man being let off the hook for his part in things and the responsibility where as the woman is villainized and blamed.

How is everyone overlooking the fact that the son is going behind his wife’s back and breaking the united front by running and complaining to his mother? To me that’s one of the biggest issues in the thread. If he doesn’t agree with his wife on something he needs to keep that between them and not say ok to his wife and then tell a whole different story to his
mom.

That will cause tension between his wife and mother and even more so him and his wife.

I actually feel bad for the poor DIL in this scenario more than anyone. I wonder if she is aware her husband is agreeing to one thing to her face and then saying a whole other thing to his mother.

I can only see a couple blaming the daughter in law, and they have been told off by everyone else.
Yes, I agree with you about people running to their mums instead of their partners.

MissAdventure

I didn't blame the daughter in law.

I said that the mum and son had too close a relationship.

Obviously, when he met the woman he loved that was going to change.

Well I’m glad you aren’t one of them but there are a lot on there who are blaming the DIL and making the son out to be some poor poor victim.

Also my other question for OP is how does she even know her son is upset about it? That tells me that her son is repeating back to his mom discussions that should be between him and his wife which is a betrayal to his wife and marriage. If the son is upset with his wife he needs to address that with her not run and rattle to his mother. That’s not going to help the relationship between his wife and mother and create tension within his marriage. Why would he want that?

Also why would the MIL not immediately tell her son, “listen if you are upset with your wife instead of telling me about it you need to take this up with her she is your wife you guys are a unit keep me out of it please.”

I didn't blame the daughter in law.

I said that the mum and son had too close a relationship.

Obviously, when he met the woman he loved that was going to change.

knspol

Sounds like your DIL rules the roost but to comment that DS is not 'allowed' to take children away on his own rings some alarm bells.
Can understand that if both working then holiday time is scarce and taking 2 separate hols with grandparents may stop them having a holiday with just their own children.
I can understand you are upset but for the sake of DS and family harmony I would just keep quiet, you can't do anything about it, the decision has been made. Maybe you can make some other arrangements to see more of DS and grandchildren?

MEH. The son id an adult too. Again let’s not make out the woman the DIL out to be the evil villain just forcing the poor innocent son to magically follow her lead.

He is a big boy and can open up his moti as well.

Plus yes BOTH parents need to sign off on taking the kids away. It is a 2 yes situation.

I disagree with the posters who are essential making the DILs out to be some villain while painting or portraying the sons as some innocent helpless victim.

All these examples I am seeing of the MIL being pushed out like the one where she was pushed out of the Christmas dinner while absolutely terrible and wrong I still see the DIL being blamed. Where is the son’s responsibility in all of this? It is the son’s job to provide the environment for his mom not his wife’s. Yet every time someone says their son’s family doesn’t want to see or vacation with them it’s always labeled as the DIL’s fault or doing? Blame the person who comes from your family in that case your son. Don’t blame the third party.

Guess what? This may come as a shock to some of you but even if your DIL came up with the idea and your son doesn’t agree or still wants to vacation with you ultimately he went along with it because he is the other adult in the room. I don’t want to hear well it’s too hard to fight with his wife oh well so sad too bad that’s part of a marriage discussing things with your spouse.

The whole idea of going behind your DIL’s back to just invite your son on a vacation bc he needs a break and seems stressed well hello you don’t think raising kids and working isn’t just a shard and stressful for the mother/your DIL? If anything the mothers bear the brunt of the childcare if we are really being honest.

And yes BOTH parents need to sign off on their kids going away. Like another poster ever so perfectly put it that is one of those situations where it requires 2 a yes from both parents.

Please please stop villainizing the DIL and weaponizing her while viewing your son as a poor helpless innocent victim as if he bears no responsibility in maintaining a relationship and helping his kids to do so with his own family.

It reminds me of if my spouse were to cheat on me I’m not gonna be pissed at the other woman I’m gonna take that up with my spouse bc he is the one who made vows to me and who has the loyalty to me the other woman has no loyalty to me.

I think that almost every year since we married we have spent some time on a holiday, short or long, with family, first our parents, now our children

It has always been entirely adhoc, no one counted up how much we spent with each family, often it was short weekend breaks and it did not stop us having a holiday every year that was just us and the children. We are currently selling a holiday home in France, where we have had family holidays every year for over 30 years. It hasn't stopped our children and grandchildren having lots of holidays without us.

We do not live in each other's pockets on holiday, different groups go to different places during the day and meet in the evenings. We live in each other's pockets even less in the UK as we live 200 miles apart.

Perhaps we are unusual, as mine and my DH's parents always got on well and became friends, my parents having my MiL to stay after she was widowed. In turn we are good friends with our DiL's mother and usually stay with her when we visit our son and family and will spend time with her separate from time spent with the rest of the family.

This sort of situation happens so often in families. It's unfortunate that when you marry, you become part of someone else's family as well as your own. It's taken for granted that you'll spend time with both.
Personally, I would prefer not to spend holidays with any relatives. The children don't always get on with each other, never mind the adults.

Why do some parents think they should be invited on holidays don’t they think their children want to have their own holidays
Good grief I expected my children to go off where they want when they want and was happy for them

I did go on a few holidays to help with the evening babysitting when they were little and have been on some other holidays since, when asked, but NEVER expected or asked to go I accepted fully that their own family was their prioririty
I did go on one holiday with my youngest and her then husbands mum and dad it was ok w all took a turn and came together for an evening meal

I don’t believe in living in your children’s pockets let them go where they want, with who they want, and be happy

I ve never understood this rivalry My son moved to the other side of the world and lives around the corner from her family and that’s just how it is His choice entirely, made no difference to us
Accept their views and leave them to live their life……. stop expecting to be always in their lives

It seems odd to me to go on holiday with in-laws regularly.
Occasionally is ok, but only occasionally.
I only ever had one holiday with my son's in-laws. There were quite a lot of us. It was great actually, but I wouldn't want to do it all the time.
So, no, I wouldn't feel hurt. But I can understand that you feel hurt, as it was a regular occurrence. I hope it will be resolved.

No I wouldn't be upset
The key here is they choose who they go away on holiday with.

You nearly died last year? Are you sure you are well enough to go on holiday? Maybe your Dil is concerned whether you are well enough or not, holidays are precious and I wouldn't one to spend it taking care or worrying about anyone. I want to create memories with my family. Let it go, focus on getting better, don't be bitter.

There are so many possible reasons though Ali08 - including health as you say - the health of the OP, that of the daughter-in-law's parents or even the health of the daughter-in-law herself...
Who knows...
If MoaningTurtle doesn't know this is all speculation.

My own speculation is that the idea of doing holidays with both grandparents individually every year will become a "habit" soon that is easier broken now than in another 5 years.

It's a bit like Christmas (as someone suggested earlier) and sometimes things develop gradually without you noticing. Making changes always upsets someone.

It is I believe an anthropological fact of kinship relations in our society , that sons generally accede to their wives ' preferences.

I bet Google has statistics that show the OP 's experience is common.

She could be worried that it was too much for you and you might be taken ill again. If the children are young, they may not have understood your illness and might be scared you'll be ill again!
Or, she could be tightening the money belt and not want to tell you they can't afford 2 holidays this year.

I'd be interested to know how many years these holidays have been going on for, and how old the grandchildren are now?
As we age, and as our grandchildren get older, I'm sure everyone has different ideas about how they spend their precious holiday time. Things change, and don't always stay the same.

Personally, even though it's upsetting to you that DiL has still arranged a holiday with her own parents, I'd just let things be, and try to accept that, for whatever reason, she doesn't want to spend holiday time with you. Don't dwell on the reasons why, and don't push for answers, as I think this could have the potential for causing more upset to you, or it could annoy your DiL and make your future relationship difficult ... it's really not worth it.

Holidays are important, and most folks want to spend time away doing what they enjoy doing, with people who they enjoy the company of, and not feeling obligated to spend time with others when they would prefer not to. Your DiL possibly doesn't feel as comfortable around you as she does with her own parents, and that's only natural, we're all different.

Concentrate on spending time with your other family members, who enjoy spending time with you.