Husband doesn’t stop talking…

One of the loneliest places to be is in an unhappy relationship, especially if you have no one to confide in. And, from my job I learned that sometimes the thing that someone talks about is masking something else and you have to draw that other thing out of them. So to trivialise something that seems unimportant prevents them from telling you what the real problem is.

Exactly Tickingbird.

Well said, tickingbird.

I agree re “grief olympics”. If the op asks for advice regarding her husband’s constant talking it’s really not for others to tell her she should be grateful. She doesn’t have to be thankful for anything. Her husband’s constant talking is wearing her down. It’s not about other people’s marriages and their loss. As for marrying soul mates or the other half of you, how wonderful but not everyone finds the other half of themself; they just fall in love and marry someone. Just a normal someone and like many of us that someone may have annoying habits, little foibles, especially as they get older. Posters should be able to come on here, let off steam, ask for advice without being lectured on how lucky they are.

ginny I don't remember my husband as a saint as he wasn't neither am I. We both have tempers and stubborn . The children followed us and at times the house was in up roar . My husband was no saint as he was a bugger at times but so was I. I remember my husband as the man he was not an idealised version of him. I never remember the deceased as saints are people are flawed but it's those flaws make them ,them. There is not such thing as perfect or normal . Everyone's idea of perfect or normal is different . People are just who they are warts and all.

Men who were born in the 1950s/1960s may still be heavily invested in their traditional role of "head of the household" and suddenly that role does not exist any more. Whereas many women have a lifelong investment in their role of "mother" even when their children have matured and left the nest.

After my sister died, my parents tended to see her as perfect, but I and my surviving sister made a bond to always remember our deceased sister as she really was, warts and all, because it was the things she did that drove us nuts that made her who she was as much as those traits of character that made her the kind loving person she was.

We still remember with love- that she was always late for everything, that she never passed on messages and so on.

I have commented on GN about one or two of DH's irritating habits. Should he predecease me, my children and I will remember these habits and smile lovingly and talk nostalagically about them.

Bellasnana
Unfortunately, that there are people on GN who are very quick to point the finger of negativity & blame .
😢

I’ve just spent three weeks at my partners and my head feels how it used to when the children were little. I feel as if I want to take my brain out, give it a good airing and then put it back. I often think that, being an only child means that I’m not very good having more than just myself for company ( although I’d give anything to go back to the time when my kids were little…).

I agree . Well said Dickens.

I often wonder why so many people are remembered as saints when they die. No one is perfect , doesn’t mean they are unloved or taken for granted.

Dickens

I understand what you are saying Whiff and I guess we do need to remind ourselves that time on this earth is short - and even shorter after we retire - and no one knows what's round the corner either. But I also think posters should be allowed to have a little moan about their husbands' irritating habits - whatever they are - without being made to feel guilty for talking about them.

I'm sure - well, I hope - everyone now and then takes stock of their luck in life and is grateful for having a husband, a home, and the opportunity to live in the 'luxury' of retirement together and count our blessings - but no one can live life permanently on the edge of despair at what might happen. Human beings are not made like that.

Everyone, however close they might be with their partner, needs their own space sometimes. If your other half is constantly talking to you - yet you are the one who does all the planning and is involved in the running of the everyday minutiae of life, it can make it impossible to hold a thought in your head. It doesn't mean you are taking your husband for granted or that you don't care about him, or that you wouldn't miss him terribly if he was no longer there... it just means you, as an individual in your own right, need that little bit of head space.

Well said Dickens

Ha ha! That's so funny. Luckygirl Mine was the opposite. As soon as a space was cleared he would put something on it. The ironing board became a favourite surface for whatever he needed to put down, books, glasses paper etc.

Luckygirl3 that made me smile as I have one of those too. DH loves nothing better than moving house, I’ve now got very little in the way of paperwork, bedding sentimental bits etc. In fact I’ve just wrote on another thread about my passport being missing … I wonder.

I have lost my OH and of course grieve for him, but there are things I do not miss, just as there would have been for him if I had gone first.

He was very very very tidy - not to say obsessional. I once set out all the items for making a cake - flour, eggs, utensils, bowls, margarine etc. I then went to the toilet. When I returned every single item had been tidied away!

I used to say to the children: "For goodness sake don't stand still too long or Dad will put you in a drawer!" It became a standard family joke.

Marriage is give and take and is never perfect. If gransnetters want to have a bit of a grumble the that is fine by me. I know they can do this and still love their partners.

I understand what you are saying Whiff and I guess we do need to remind ourselves that time on this earth is short - and even shorter after we retire - and no one knows what's round the corner either. But I also think posters should be allowed to have a little moan about their husbands' irritating habits - whatever they are - without being made to feel guilty for talking about them.

I'm sure - well, I hope - everyone now and then takes stock of their luck in life and is grateful for having a husband, a home, and the opportunity to live in the 'luxury' of retirement together and count our blessings - but no one can live life permanently on the edge of despair at what might happen. Human beings are not made like that.

Everyone, however close they might be with their partner, needs their own space sometimes. If your other half is constantly talking to you - yet you are the one who does all the planning and is involved in the running of the everyday minutiae of life, it can make it impossible to hold a thought in your head. It doesn't mean you are taking your husband for granted or that you don't care about him, or that you wouldn't miss him terribly if he was no longer there... it just means you, as an individual in your own right, need that little bit of head space.

I have a couple of friends who are getting quite deaf but that certainly doesn't prevent them from talking!
I'm glad I don't have to live with them!

When DH was alive we were very happy to sit quietly in eachother's company. The companionship is what I miss most.

I talk a bit too much when I am with friends. I must stop now and again and listen

I have a friend like this. She never stops, doesn’t listen and actually speaks very loudly in public places. She is a lovely warm person, however, so I just put up with it. She has got a lot worse as she gets older. Her husband is a talker,too, but not to such an extent. They are both originally from Eastern Europe so I thought it might be cultural,I don’t know.

Gingster

My Dh is the strong silent type. I’d love him to chat more, especially in company. Being deaf (and not wearing his hearing aids) has exacerbated this.

Yes, deaf for years, but refusing to do anything. He would ignore me, not talk and then complain that I did not talk to him.
Finally, a friend of his went on and on about how his new aids helped him, and his wife said that now she could carry on a conversation. DH then decided to get tested, and went through weeks of playing with the adjusters, complaining how loud the TV was, and chattering away.
It did not last though, hearing aids went back in the box unless he is going out without me.

Wow, I really didn’t expect to trigger such a variety of comments. My apologies to those to whom I may have inadvertently offended, my thanks also to those same ladies, and others, for putting things into perspective for me. Retirement, although lovely, is making us think and behave differently and, as some have said, DH is finding it difficult to adjust to having only me around. That said, I am actively encouraging him to reconnect with his old golfing buddies for get together, inviting others to join us for dinner/out for meals/drinks, and he has a close friend who he meets up with a couple of times a week to walk the dogs. While DH is out, I practice learning the keyboard uninterrupted! NotSpaghetti - yes, this is the first time we have spent just so much time on our own, but we are adjusting, slowly. I have to agree with some comments though insofar as I think he vocalises his thoughts, whereas I just think them., and we have discussed the fact that we don’t always see eye-to-eye on some subjects, and that we need to respect that (and not go on about that subject). Otherwise, I am encouraging him to join me in joint hobbies, such as painting (me watercolours and he oils; very different styles). He’s really good at drawing but, although we’ve got the gear, he’s still to dabble. We’ve also agreed that I can tuck myself away to sew and listen to my audiobooks whilst he watches TV programmes he likes, and I have to learn to be more tolerant. All-in-all ladies, it was worth the AIBU entry - win-win. Huge thanks.

So now you're both retired I guess he's been used to having work colleagues as a sounding board - now, unfortunately it's become your "job".

It would drive me nuts......sympathies.

I do sympathise with OP.
My DH often chats to me then when I try to say something he says he doesn't have his hearing aids in.
I need to learn a bit of sign language.
Like " I am reading . May I have some peace please."

I wish Lottidot would come back as several of us have made suggestions.

I also think he's at a bit of a loose end. For some people, retirement is not all joys and happy days - it can be hard to navigate.

zakouma66

It was me. We write from our own perspectives, which I think I am permitted to do. I am going through grief and loss at present and its a rocky and tough road alright. Difficult to pick up the threads and carve out something for yourself.

I do think that this should be a safe space to let off steam without fear though. Sometimes talking to strangers is all we have.

If somebody is struggling, I don't think its helpful to bring up cases of people who have died suddenly and unexpectedly.

Yes of course you are entitled to your own opinion but accusing me (I assume it was me since I commented) of ‘guilt tripping’ with ‘some sort of grief olympics’ was downright nasty .

I feel sorry for the OP’s husband. Poor man is probably struggling with retirement and hasn’t found a way to deal with it. It’s disloyal to go moaning to strangers about him being annoying.
That’s my opinion anyway and there is no need to be unkind.

Oreo

It’s a tricky one, but I would let him drone on OP and carry on zoning out, otherwise he would feel very hurt at the suggestion of belting up!

That rather depends on the person, my husband would listen and try to compromise.

zakouma66

I honestly don't think its helpful to guilt trip people with some sort of grief olympics.

Retirement can bring challenges as can loss.

Very well put and I agree.