Feeling mugged off but do I have the right to?

Sorted, apparently.

You and your husband speak to your son and simply tell him you are physically unable to cope with the kids and a puppy so they need to put off collecting the dog if they want you to stay with the kids. If he gets angry or tried to brush it off with "oh he'll sleep a lot," repeat this but add that he knows you both have health issues , that you're prepared to cope as best you can for the kids but not a puppy. If he still tried to insist it will be fine a very firm no is needed followed by its best you ask friends to have them in this case then or hire a temporary daily nanny who like dogs. Puppies are a lot of work and you will very possibly struggle a lot. He's a fool if he thinks otherwise. You do this once it will be expected you do it again. Out of interest what's happening with the pup once everyone's back to school? He and your DIL are being very selfish, this is their family so they make other arrangements

HowNowBrownCow

Norah

HowNowBrownCow

To be fair to them they work extremely hard both are in senior leadership roles. After I said no, DS said that they only ask for help when necessary and said they try every other way before asking us. They say it is what it is, and that they have no alternative but then DS said that’s their problem.
I had my accident that caused the SCI when he was little and we shielded the kids from what was going on and kept everything as normal as possible for them so their understanding is little and they have always just respected that I am as I am without questioning why or what goes on with me.
I too would feel peeved if I thought that childcare was in place to be told next morning it’s all change so I do understand it from their perspective. In their naivety perhaps they thought as a family we will all enjoy having a puppy around because we used to have dogs as they were growing up.
We need better communication I think.

Did they find a childminder and a dog sitter 2-6 Sept?

I haven’t asked but my son has said that we must all draw a line under it and move on focussing more on quality time together. He says life is too short for ill feelings when I said I hoped there wasn’t any. I feel so much better now and we are communicating more. He has said that their thinking behind the puppy is to train it as a therapy dog to help the children and staff in school. That means the puppy will accompany them.

Glad there are no ill feelings. Your DS is correct - it is their problem, but it's understandable that you want to help if you can.

It's good that you are communicating more too, so hopefully in the future life will be a little easier.

I’m glad it’s been sorted out and I hope they don’t ask you again. It’s always hard to hear criticism about our children isn’t it but tbh they were being selfish asking you in the first place weren’t they. I don’t know how we’ve managed to breed a generation like this as so many of our adult children seem completely self absorbed. Or maybe it’s the society and culture that we’ve created….

Young puppies need taking outside every hour or 2 to house train, and also when they wake and have finished eating. Also need 3 meals a day minimum until 6 months old.
I very much doubt the school will allow a puppy in all day that isn't housetrained and fully vaccinated. If it's crated at home, it will be covered in bodily fluids by the time they get home after a 9 hour day. And it can't go to daycare as most don't take young puppies under 6 months. They really haven't thought this through.

Freshair

You have my sympathies. Those two are s couple of users. Ask yourself if they would pull out all the stops to help you with anything in your hour of need. You probably wouldn't ask them...

No, they not 'a couple of users'. Please read the thread properly.
It's all been sorted out actually.

My inlaws put me straight when I first got pregnant. They were there for emergency only childcare. Genuine emergency like son rushed to theatre for appendix and OH in bed with slipped disc at the time. They came in a taxi and picked up the other DGC from school and cooked their tea. Another time husband fell off a ladder at work and they had the 3 children for me.
I made arrangements with a local Childminder and also had an agency daily mother's help, and babysitters for work commitments.
Tell them to do the same your health isn't up to this.

Hownowbrowncow I'm so glad you have sorted out this . I think communication is the best way forwards too. Interesting that they want to train the dog as a therapy dog with kids. I'm not sure how that works, but I'm sure there's a way and animals are beneficial for kids.

You have my sympathies. Those two are s couple of users. Ask yourself if they would pull out all the stops to help you with anything in your hour of need. You probably wouldn't ask them...

M0nica

If they are both in senior leadership roles, they can afford to buy in the childcare they need.

When I and others were pushing for our rights to have careers and not be banished into the kitchen and nursery once we had children, the lat thing that occurred to us was that we were making rods for our own backs because, for our children, both partners working would be essential and they would just assume that their parents would skip on retirement and just work through it as child carers.

Mind you we have only ourselves to blame, as we were the ones that did not say 'no' or 'so much and no more'. heigh ho, the biter bit.

Oh it occured to me.

I knew enough about economics back then to realise that extra household money would mean increase in prices.

What I didnt realise was how bad it would all get, particularly house wise.

madeleine45

i would say NO NO NO. in case they did not understand the first NO. They are being totally unreasonable, selfish and greedy to say the least!! They have not thought of you or your needs one iota. Where they should be thinking what you might need and helping you, they are being totally self centred and should be ashamed of themselves. In any case why is it only you that is asked to put yourself through pain and hassle? Is it just that they know that the other lot would tell them where to go! Well if you say No and they dont immediately say sorry for not thinking things through, and realizing that they had no right to ask so much of you , then just forget them as they forget you. I would be blazing mad with them especially the added insult of the dog! Do they ever consider anyone else in the world besides themselves? Steam coming from my ears at the audacity and arrogance of these people who think the world is there to suit them!! Alternatively you could play them at their own game and announce that you had forgotten that you would be away then and promptly book yourself a pleasant b and b in somewhere pleasant and dont give them the address.You sort your life out and let them sort theirs. Whatever you do this time just dont ever let them take control of your again.

If you read her post, you will see that Hownowbrowncow and her family have sorted things out among themselves.

The bit about the grandparents asking for help around the house is genius! Go for it!

i would say NO NO NO. in case they did not understand the first NO. They are being totally unreasonable, selfish and greedy to say the least!! They have not thought of you or your needs one iota. Where they should be thinking what you might need and helping you, they are being totally self centred and should be ashamed of themselves. In any case why is it only you that is asked to put yourself through pain and hassle? Is it just that they know that the other lot would tell them where to go! Well if you say No and they dont immediately say sorry for not thinking things through, and realizing that they had no right to ask so much of you , then just forget them as they forget you. I would be blazing mad with them especially the added insult of the dog! Do they ever consider anyone else in the world besides themselves? Steam coming from my ears at the audacity and arrogance of these people who think the world is there to suit them!! Alternatively you could play them at their own game and announce that you had forgotten that you would be away then and promptly book yourself a pleasant b and b in somewhere pleasant and dont give them the address.You sort your life out and let them sort theirs. Whatever you do this time just dont ever let them take control of your again.

Why get a puppy at the end of the school holidays? As others have said, they are hard work. Our DGD goes to a holiday club on the days we can't have her. It works out fine for us all and not at all expensive. Your health needs to take priority. Practice saying "no" in front of the mirror

I think we’ve all been there, though, and suddenly realised that our parents are ageing and so are their roles.
Glad it’s all sorted out now.

If they are both in senior leadership roles, they can afford to buy in the childcare they need.

When I and others were pushing for our rights to have careers and not be banished into the kitchen and nursery once we had children, the lat thing that occurred to us was that we were making rods for our own backs because, for our children, both partners working would be essential and they would just assume that their parents would skip on retirement and just work through it as child carers.

Mind you we have only ourselves to blame, as we were the ones that did not say 'no' or 'so much and no more'. heigh ho, the biter bit.

I’m glad it’s all sorted out

maybe now's the time to share your medical notes with DS.
he's a big boy now.
keeping it from him when a child was appropriate.
now he is a man.
all the best.

Is this the standard of teacher's intelligence nowadays? They have known for months the school timetable, don’t appear to have involved in-laws re childminding or else they haven't cared and areanged holiday, and they know your health issues. All of that is bad enough but then a puppy is being added to the situation. Who does that knowing no one will be at home to train the poor thing. Tell them to delay the puppy and get childcare for the children. Unbelievable!

Put yourselves first they are using you. Surround yourselves by people who support you and don't take advantage I am so sorry for the position that you have been put in x

HowNowBrownCow

It just goes to show that they can find an alternative - like my family could...
I know you will be relieved to get your relationship back on a better footing and now you have said "no" the next time will be easier... or they won't ask if they can find an alternative.

We genuinely would drop everything in an emergency but we aren't asked to do unreasonable things and our adult children arrange things mainly with other parents and with days off work when they can.

I am really pleased you feel better.

As others have said I don’t think they realise just how much work a puppy creates. My son and DIL have two young children, and when their elderly much loved dog died against everyone’s advice they immediately went out and got a young puppy. Even though they had been dog owners they had no idea how much hard work it would be - their previous rescue dog was 18 months old when they had him. The strain of having a puppy weeing and pooing everywhere and chewing up things nearly broke them despite my DIL working part time mostly evenings and weekends when my son was there so the puppy was never left for long. It was upsetting for the children as my DIL was so stressed she kept saying the puppy would have to be rehomed as they couldn’t cope.
(Thankfully everything settled down eventually - the puppy is now 2 years old and now much loved part of the family)

HowNowBrownCow

Norah

HowNowBrownCow

To be fair to them they work extremely hard both are in senior leadership roles. After I said no, DS said that they only ask for help when necessary and said they try every other way before asking us. They say it is what it is, and that they have no alternative but then DS said that’s their problem.
I had my accident that caused the SCI when he was little and we shielded the kids from what was going on and kept everything as normal as possible for them so their understanding is little and they have always just respected that I am as I am without questioning why or what goes on with me.
I too would feel peeved if I thought that childcare was in place to be told next morning it’s all change so I do understand it from their perspective. In their naivety perhaps they thought as a family we will all enjoy having a puppy around because we used to have dogs as they were growing up.
We need better communication I think.

Did they find a childminder and a dog sitter 2-6 Sept?

I haven’t asked but my son has said that we must all draw a line under it and move on focussing more on quality time together. He says life is too short for ill feelings when I said I hoped there wasn’t any. I feel so much better now and we are communicating more. He has said that their thinking behind the puppy is to train it as a therapy dog to help the children and staff in school. That means the puppy will accompany them.

What a lovely positive reply from your DS and I hope this allows you all to enjoy future quality time together.
Despite all our collective concerns regarding the puppy it seems that they have actually considered what this will mean and the commitment it will be, and intend it to be positive to far more than their own family.
Hats off to them, and to you Hownow for being honest and communicating your concerns. Considering these developments I think it has been the right time to stand your ground.

Auldwifie

I feel your pain! My husband and I help out with our three grandchildren who are 2, 6 and 10. My husband is 72 with mobility problems; I am nine years younger and somewhat fitter so we do what we can. Between ourselves and our son’s partner’s mother we were all already struggling to plug the gaps caused by their weird shifts/school hols/boys football classes etc when our D.I.L. decided to get a puppy. We ALL told her to her face it was a bad idea but she just shrugged off our concerns. She is rarely around to care for it; it has destroyed a lot of the furniture, a lot of the kids toys, I feel obliged to pick-up its poop otherwise the kids can’t play in the garden. It’s not a small breed so has quickly outgrown its crate and jumps all over us, biting us. Over time, despite this, we have grown fond of her and we feel sorry for her because none of this is her fault; she needs more attention than any of us can give her. I’m sorry to say we think she was bought with an eye to having pups to sell - God knows how we’re going to cope when she starts coming into season and worse still if she does go on to have pups! I think we are all in danger of making martyrs of ourselves for frankly some astoundingly inconsiderate young people!

Sorry but this animal breeding doesn't sit well with me. Sad.

SO they are off back to work full-time and bringing a poor puppy into the mix! Personally I think this is totally irresponsible of them, who's going to care for it when the kids are also out all day? BONKERS! And yes they are also taking advantage of you, they knew they'd have child care issues and assume you won't refuse! Start thinking of yourselves please.x