Struggling and Don't Know What to Do

I am sorry that you are feeling like this. You could always ring the Samaritans - I have done so on a couple of occasions and they are a good listening ear for sure.

I am faced with my life closing in a bit because of assorted health problems and I do understand about keeping chipper requiring a lot of effort which sometimes is very hard to muster. I always tell myself that of life chucks things at me that are hard to deal with then I just have to bite the bullet and carry on. I have managed so far, but it is not great.

I have a friend who keeps telling me how much she admires me and that when her life gets tough she thinks of me just carrying on - I always think - hmmm, little does she know how close I sometimes get to not ploughing on!

I can only send you a hand hold.

OldHag - I’m also having one of those days, due to family relationship issues.
You have everything to live for - your husband, child and grandchildren. I understand you and your husband are disabled. But you do a lot more than I do . You are so talented and you do so many things. I don’t want to sound facetious but I’m surprised you have time to feel depressed.
Please shake off this negative feeling and get on with the rest of your lovely life.

Luckygirl for you

That's the problem though 'crazyH' I just can't find the motivation to do ANY of those things at the moment, and really wish that I could shake off the negative feelings, but I think after 24 years of constantly making an effort to be positive, and keep going, I've just run out of energy to do it any more.

Thank you for your understanding and the hand hold 'Luckygirl3', it's good to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way, so if ever you need a chat with someone who understands, please do send me a private message. Meanwhile, I will keep Samaritans in mind, although last time I was desperate enough to call them, they really weren't terribly helpful.

Thank you too for the flowers 'Luckygirl'.

I hope you were paid a heap of compensation for your operation failure! Can you plan something to look forward to? A delivered fancy meal, perhaps some time away if you are able to? Some little treat that you would like? Do you have a faith? Sometimes that helps in very difficult circumstances.

OldHag I'm sorry you are feeling a low. You have mentioned that you've found medication to be useful for depression. I'm wondering if a visit to your GP would be of benefit. Perhaps this medication needs a little adjustment. Just a little extra support.
I wish you well.

I agree with going to the GP, as you say it's different from before, and it may be that counselling as well as meds adjustment might help. xx

Hello OldHag. I am sure you are beautiful and if you are a hag witch, you are the "good one". I read your post and was moved to go find my DH to respond to your post. I have no experience with ailments or pain but he does and barely makes it through each day. So this is what he has asked me to write for you, in his own words, in response to your post:

^I'm a 68 year old man. I have been in your exact position with the same attitude and ideas.

Both of my knees are steel. Both of my shoulders have been rebuilt including having cadaver parts added. Weather can create a problem for me. I have kidney that has been rebuilt so I understand your pain. I had to stop taking morphine pain medications and I have lately discovered (because I also can't get up out of a chair) that meditation - actually chakra meditation - can at least help me sleep.

I have never tried anything remotely like this in my life. Now, sleep is my pain remedy but in using meditation, I can talk myself out of pain. If that is all I have left, it's working. Still my DW has to take care of me because of other physical problems, I only have one and a half lungs, so like you, I can only walk and work for so long before I have to get oxygen. I've thought about ending it but I don't want to leave a mess for my DW. I might also add that my brain doesn't seem to work so well.

I have found this new meditation thing seems to help. The book I am learning is "Telepathy - Unlocking the Secrets of Sending Telepathic Messages and Psychic Development" by Mari Silva beginning on page 74. I am reading all of the time because I can't really get up and do anything else like I used to.

Give it a try. I'm on your side. I hope you feel better.^

Sent with love, from my family to you.

OldHag it always saddens me when people say they don't want to be here anymore. I am not pro life at any cost but believe quality of live over quantity and a supporter for assisted dieing if the person wants it and it's there decision.

I was born disabled and can't remember when I haven't been in constant pain it was just in my legs until I was 29 when the limb jerks started it's my arms as well now . The only time I don't feel pain is when I am asleep. After having a hysterectomy aged 38 was put on a morphine drip helped take the pain from my wound site but did nothing to touch the pain in my limbs .

I take Amitriptyline for nerve pain since 1992 and upped it to 3 x 10mg a day 2 years ago from twice and co codamol a general pain killers. My body has learnt to tolerate the pain . I know my pain is worse not it's just my body adjusts.

I have fallen all my life ,have problems with my co ordination and many others problems . I didn't finally get my diagnosis of what I was born until April 2022 and only because I moved to the north west 5 years ago and my new GP sent me a well known neurological hospital January 2020 . My neurologist didn't know what was wrong with me but put me on Clonazepam and after 32 of limb jerks and 4 seizures which started September 2019 and I had one a month last one December 2019 they lasted 8-10 hours and took my speech for few hours. Within 2 weeks my limbs where still and no seizures . He had my blood sent to have the whole genome genetically tested to Cardiff. But didn't get the results until March 2022. When I saw him in April 2022 I finally know what I was born with and it's rare he had never had a patient with it nor his colleagues. But thanks to the rare disease society I joined a Facebook group which is world wide and there are 1,049 members .

Also I found out because my GP sent me to see a cardiologist and had echocardiogram then bubble echocardiogram and MRI on my heart I was also born with a small hole in the side of my heart between my heart and lungs I have PAF as well.

I was born disabled but it was my fit healthy husband who got grade 4 malignant melanoma and given 5 years to live . He lived 3 . He had 6 tumours and died 4 days after his 47th birthday nearly 21 years ago.

He was a wise man and knew what I needed to look after him which was a series of promises which I have keep everyone. But couldn't live my life to the full until I moved here. As I had both parents and mother in law to look after until they died.
I am now 66. My disability is giving me more problems as I age but I will not let it stop me living my life to the full. And until my diagnosis I was always refused disability benefits since 1988. But even then had to fight to get PIP and only got it because of the Brain Charity getting a solicitor pro bono took over a year to get to tribunal but I won . My solicitor told me to apply for UC and my caseworker sent for the health UC forms which I was awarded. Until last year I had nothing but money worries but not anymore. And went on holiday twice this year my first hols for 19 years. Only in this country as I am not capable of going abroad . I went via train with the help from travel assistance.

Please OldHag read the Black dog thread on the health forum and you will see you are not alone feeling the way you do . I went on last year as I thought my problem was trivial compared to what some are going through but they welcomed me . It's a lovely friendly site no nasty posters . Have and read and write there you will get help and support you need and friendship . It's not doom and gloom and write whatever you want you will not be critised or judged.

But you don't realise how strong you are and the courage you have shown by starting and writing on this thread .

Oldhag I feel for you as I’m in a similar position I’ve started jaunting around the globe looking for holidays to go on and I found a company called Limitless travel who provide carers to support me. This has given me a new lease of life. Please try it I’ve been to Sicily, Blackpool, Tenerife and I’m going back to Tenerife next year again, I’ve met so many interesting friends.
Please pm me if you need further information and I’ll try and help you.

Sounds a bit organised but a therapist once told me to make a menu for my day i.e. bake a cake, watch a certain programme, read a good book, meet a friend etc and actually record these activities on a sheet to have proof of what you have done that day. I did it for a few years following bereavement and it really helped me to feel that life was worth living. She also told me that everything we do has meaning, we just need to give it our meaning. Good luck!

Old Hag, I totally understand how you feel.
It is exhausting and draining trying to remain positive in the face of adversity, constant pain and and the restrictions in your life. There comes a point, where you have had enough.

Please speak to your GP. 💐

I am sorry you feel like this, but perhaps you have been almost too brave putting on a happy front to people. It is ok to let people know how you feel sometimes, if they are true friends they will understand. You have a lovely family and they are worth living for. Please speak to your GP and get some professional help.

Thank you all for your kind wishes and advice. Just knowing that you have been good enough to spend a few minutes thinking of ways in which you might help me, to help myself, has given me a bit of a boost, and I actually made the effort to do a little job today, that I simply haven't been able to get enthusiasm for previously.

I will make an appointment to see my GP for a chat.

Dear oldhag ....agh ...so sorry for what you're dealing with.....chronic pain is so debilitating. Sounds like you manage so well normally but have hit a wall and need a break from being heroic. Maybe its okay to give yourself a 'wallow holiday' and take the pressure of yourself to have hobbies and be productive. Take care dear gransnetter xx

That's the trouble though 'Frankski', I'm afraid that if I give in and have a 'wallow holiday' (love that phrase), I might not ever come back from it, and the last thing I want is to be one of those miserable old people who always goes on about her aches and pains. I actually grew up living next door to an old lady, who the moment you asked her politely how she was, would regale you for hours, given the opportunity, about how poorly she was. I watched and listened to how adults dealt with this, and realised that they went out of their way to avoid her, which is so sad, and something which clearly had a huge effect on me, bearing in mind it's still in my memory 60 years later, and has taught me to never harp on about my health. Thank you for your kind good wishes.

Sending you huge good wishes. I do hope things improve for you. I don't think you will take those tablets as you know how it would affect your family. But I can understand the feeling.
I'm feeling quite pointless too at the moment.
Big hug to you.

Dear OldHag, I bet you are a great person. How resilient and interesting you are.

That " pointless" thing is horrible , it builds and builds and you feel in your own little bubble. Isolated, thinking these dark thoughts.
Well done for being brave enough to share these thoughts.

Best Wishes to you from a fellow sufferer.

So sorry, I know how it feels not to have the energy to do the things you love. I've been seriously ill and often bed bound this year and have missed a lot of things I've wanted to do.

All I can say is, apart from getting Talking therapy, is know you're going to be in bed or resting and plan websites to look at on your laptop, books to read, things to listen to, maybe online games like scrabble to keep your mind active... I think rather than think about all the things you can't do, think of things you can do from bed. One of the things I like to do is close my eyes and dream. In the dream I am young and vibrant, can do anything I want and I go to some really nice places!

Back in my thirties I was badly bullied by one of my parents (historic abuse) and I lined up the pills to take my own life. What actually stopped me was the knowledge that it would probably have been one of my kids who found my body. I talked to the Dr and was able to refer myself for talking therapy.

I really hope you can talk to someone professional and find brighter days

OldHag

That's the trouble though 'Frankski', I'm afraid that if I give in and have a 'wallow holiday' (love that phrase), I might not ever come back from it, and the last thing I want is to be one of those miserable old people who always goes on about her aches and pains. I actually grew up living next door to an old lady, who the moment you asked her politely how she was, would regale you for hours, given the opportunity, about how poorly she was. I watched and listened to how adults dealt with this, and realised that they went out of their way to avoid her, which is so sad, and something which clearly had a huge effect on me, bearing in mind it's still in my memory 60 years later, and has taught me to never harp on about my health. Thank you for your kind good wishes.

Mmm, interesting. I think we live in a time of toxic positivity. Happy Clappy, smile through gritted teeth.

It's OK to not be OK.

Thank you for that 'jasper16', an interesting thought.

I’m so sorry to read of your difficulties Oldhag and the feelings you are experiencing. I’m glad you have decided to speak to your doctor, as it sounds as if some kind of therapy may be of help to you. You say it feels different to previous episodes of depression, but it still could be, so reaching out for some support and advice is not going to be a waste of time. Another poster suggested contacting the Samaritans, which might also be a good thing to try.
I think this time of year can drag you down, too, with drearier weather and long dark evenings.
I wish you well and hope that you can receive help and support. 💐