Six month Visit by Step daughter and granddaughter

Escape the winter? Are they not used to it by now? Im sure children live there every day quite ok,even with the weather conditions. they have not even got grandparents to escape to maybe.Sounds to me like you were taken for a ride by the mum Yes its lovely to see GC, but i have a 4yr old one among my gc and i certainly couldnt manage with her on a daily basis for 6months! - you need to sort this out with your step daughter. If shes staying then she should be seeing to her own child most of the time- the WFH can be done while shes in a nursery or reception class.Then have a work finish time around that.(she could always do an extra hour or so when childs in bed to catch up?)And did she already discuss this with her dad prior to coming? My guess is she did, and they chose not to tell you.In that case, make him entertain his GD!

Canadian school system begins around age 6 or sometimes 5 in certain provinces, so your grandchild isn’t in school yet - but probably in a nursery school. They are privately run and there are many in Canada.

I would certainly make a trip to your local infants school and arrange a conversation with the headmistress to ask if they would accept her in the entry class.

The school year in Canada finishes the last week in
June and we had an English born family living near us who visited family in England annually for 2 months (June and
July) and their junior school age children went to a local primary school for those 2 months. So it is possible.

Goodness that is a long time .Didnt your Step Daughter ask if it was ok ?🙁

I was flabbergasted when you said the visit was for 6 months. I'd assumed when you reverted to a visit was you meant for Sunday lunch or a long weekend at best!

Surely she didn't really expect to impose on you for a full six months. Is her marriage/ relationship with the little girls father rocky and you are part of the escape plan?

I agree however that if you are to have family lodgers for six months, the terms need to be discussed and clarified such as contributions to costs etc, and the little girl would need to go to nursery for several days a week if she is relying on you and your husbands good nature for the other days during their stay.

Hope you resolve this - 6 months without warning is ridiculous. Probably most importntly make sure you are wholly unavailable next winter!

Good luck with finding a nursery

I don’t know which province the stepdaughter lives in, but here in Ontario we have had really mild winters for the last few years with little snow.If she is escaping Ontario she might well find it just as wintery in a parts of the UK.

I don't think I've read this in any of the comments...but six months is a long time to be separated in most relationships. Is everything okay on the homefront with this stepdaughter and her partner, whom I assume is your son?

Have you actually asked stepdaughter if she has made, or is looking to make, arrangements for childcare? Is it possible she already has this in mind? You need to actually ask her what she has planned for the child and let her know that your DH still works part time and you will obviously be extra busy with 2 extra people in the house. Let her know how much child minding you are prepared to do and ask if she wants you to try to arrange some sort of nursery place for the other days.
As she's coming to escape the winters then this could turn into an annual trip in which case you need to set the ground rules sooner rather than later.

Everybody has the option to say no.
Op, say no!

Many years ago, my ILs wanted to visit for months and my husband had agreed but he also would ask me.
Nevertheless, it did not happen.

If it makes you unhappy and it will harm the relationship with your husband and your guests, say no! Don't let yourself be taken advantage of

Wow!! Possibly it's up to your husband/her father to tell her that this arrangement is unacceptable.

If she and the child do come, please seriously consider not changing your life style. Be determined to not take part in any of the childcare duties.

"No, this will not work for us." needs to be said now and often in the future.

Good luck~~~

I think I would be very busy most days and go out a lot.This would illustrate that you ate not going to be there just to childmind as it’s a real cheek and it would bring out the worst in me !
I would welcome having them around but not to be servant and nanny when I haven’t even been asked. Having a few days out will be fun but please don’t cancel your life.

Allira

Another thought - how do you keep a four year old quiet all the time if her mother is working from home?

Regarding this - as there is a large time difference between UK & Canada, will SD be working (Zoom meetings etc) mainly in the evenings? If so, is GD a good sleeper..? If she isn't, then let your DH know that he'll be on duty for settling her back to bed....🙄

That’s an excellent idea. I dearly love my three grandsons but having a d-i-l WFH plus an active wee one is quite an ask! Everyone would benefit from a nursery/crèche break.

How inconsiderate and disrespectful of step daughter! What is her father saying? Was this not discussed with both of you prior to her coming? Does she not have a job? Are you expected to 'keep' them both? What about the child's father?I really feel for you.

The child should be in some sort of education. Your daughter in law is very inconsiderate and "entitled" You need to have a word with her before they arrive to sort matters.

I’m also beyond understanding how she could assume you would be happy with the situation. Even if there is a nursery place available for her, or a reception class, she will probably finish around three. Then what? I would just make sure that everything is sorted out before she arrives. I had a daughter, son in law and two boys living with us for six weeks while their house was extended, it worked out quite well but I wasn’t sorry to see them go!

I had a very shaky relationship with my daughter and her daughter was a nightmare but when the family came to stay with us for 6 months, it was surprisingly much easier than I thought it would be.
For those saying the 4 year old should be in school, children in the UK do not have to start school until they are 5. However there are playgroups so maybe your Step-Daughter will be able to go to them and meet other parents with children. That could lead to her having time out with them and the children.
I think it is important to negotiating the ground rules BEFORE she arrives. Just say that you think it is better to manage expectations so everybody feels happy. Be honest about sometimes needing down time. If your SD is anxious, it might be tricky and I would always be finding a way of making my needs seem like something that is better for her.
You can make this work if you all want to. My children aren't entitled but they know that there is always a home here if they need it for whatever reason.

What’s the Grandad doing?

eazybee

So stepdaughter lives with mother in Canada because she has 'anxiety' but not apparently with the father of her child. Sounds as though mother has had enough so she has decamped to England. Are you sure she intends to return at the end of six months?
Really serious talk needed with her father, now, about length of stay and date of return. Plus childcare.

I think you may be right, and granny has suggested granddad takes his turn! I’m wondering if granddad agreed to it and just didn’t let on.
No matter the whys and wherefores, you either need to spell it out or just put up with it, so, if she hasn’t arrived yet, there’s time to change her plans.

Has she already booked her flights? Did she discuss the possibility of staying for 6 months, with your DH, prior to doing so? If not, then you both need to discuss this with her, and tell her it's simply too much. Or, at least ask how she plans for everything to work out ... what hours will she be working? ... how does she plan to look after her child when she's working? ... make it clear that you have a life of your own and will not be available for childcare whenever she wants/needs it.

If she did discuss it with her father, and he agreed to it, but he did not discuss the facts with you, then you need to have some serious words with him! Tell him, in no uncertain terms, that it's up to him to sort out the logistics of it all with his daughter! It's simply too much to ask, and you can't be expected to give up your life for 6 months just because his daughter wants to get out of the Canadian winter!

You can't be expected to give up your home life, as you know it, for 6 months! I find it shocking that anyone would have the cheek to assume that this is OK! The only time I would agree (reluctantly) to something like this would be if there were some serious issues/marital issues/etc., and she had to move out of the marital home, but it seems she lives with her mother anyway, so that's not the issue here.

Put on your big girl pants, and ask you husband what he intends to do about it, because you're not going to be available for regular childcare, or for all of the other work that's involved when you have people visiting. It's difficult enough when you have visitors staying just for a couple of weeks ... but SIX MONTHS?! ... No, just NO!

This sounds so very unreasonable, without discussing and coming to some arrangement regarding a 6 month stay. Why is your step daughter and her daughter coming to the UK for six months? Where is your step daughter’s husband? How does your OH feel about this, and what is he proposing to do whilst/if they stay with you? Whatever the answers are to these questions, you should continue to live your life and enjoy your interests, regardless.

If you are going to land in on someone, don’t you ask?!!!
I don’t blame you feeling as you do, I m pretty sure I would as well.

I think you must get some things sorted for your own sanity! It is yr home after all. And the big question…..is this to be an annual migration, what will happen next winter?

A good day nursery/kindergarten is perhaps a good place to start, it advertises the fact you are not a daily child minder. It won’t address the question of yr loss of privacy I’m afraid.

So stepdaughter lives with mother in Canada because she has 'anxiety' but not apparently with the father of her child. Sounds as though mother has had enough so she has decamped to England. Are you sure she intends to return at the end of six months?
Really serious talk needed with her father, now, about length of stay and date of return. Plus childcare.

This is entitled and P... taking behaviour by your step daughter. No one would dare do this to me. Grandpa is to blame as well, he is taking you for granted.
Say to your husband you are leaving this to him and the step daughter. Let the arrangements be made by them, cheeky buggers.
Go out like you usually do and don't explain. I cannot believe they have the nerve. My partner has Grandchildren in Canada and this would not happen.

If your husband agreed to this arrangement then he should bear the responsibility of looking after his grandchild..