Maternity finances with DP - does this seem fair?

I might have missed it but has there ever been any consideration of actually pooling all income and then working out from that what are outgoings; savings; day to day expenses; extras etc? That system works for some couples...would it help you?

It sounds like a match made in heaven ConfusedFriend; now that you've laid everything out and explained everything fully, I think you can be as confident as it's possible to be that everything will work out perfectly and you can be rest assured of his intentions and the success of your future together.

As for love comments, I have said my feelings in the page previous. As for my partner feelings, I know they are words but we both said we feel in love instantly. He tells me everyday that he loves me, he fancies me, he is touchy feely, he says I am getting a version of him that's never existed before. That is because he felt he settled in his last relationship. They were together 7 years and didn't speak about marriage or kids. He was .married sometime ago and we both said after meeting early on that we didn't see the point in marriage but then our feelings grew and both wsnt marriage with each other.

As for childcare, my partner said I could go part time if I wanted or not return but we would plan for that and it would be my decision. I've said I at the minimum would consider pt but I won't give up work. He agreed. He thinks keeping a job will be beneficial. When returning to work, my parents have offered to look after baby 1/2 times a week. I can work from home half of the week and he is solely working from home. My job is fairly relaxed and I usually make my work from home days "admin" days. This doesn't mean I do nothing but it isn't demanding and I could easily have baby by my side. Equally my work offers flexibility too and I am able to start later and finish later or vice versa. My partners role is demanding and he is in a lot of meetings so he can't simply look after baby during working hours. However, alot of his clients are american and he has the option of flexing hours so he is working americsn time. This means, we could plan our week out - who is working lates / early this week and who can look after baby. We have of course said that we need tk see what happens. If it doesn't work out as planned then perhaps we need to look at nurseries or changing something at work. My office in an hr away but my mum lives 5 minutes away and i could easily pop baby at her house before going into office.

He does love a spreadsheet and has worked out childcare costs, additional food, spending etc based on an estimation. He might seen boring with his spreadsheets but he is very sensible, he isn't in any debt - well he has taken out a few loans for hosue work but it's managed debt that he can afford. He earns a very good salary and it mostly goes to his house. The house isn't really suitable for us - it's too rural - isn't a bad thing but hardly any public transport .. not great when we've wanted to venture into the nearest city for a night out or dinner (one always has to drive). Also, the backgarden isn't great for my dog and there's things my partner doesn't like now - shared driveway, garden on a slope, etc. So he has good intentions.

For my pension, he has encouraged me to select a beneficiary as he said itll go to hmrc if I pass. He said he doesn't want it changed to him as he doesn't need it and he wants me to think about my family and if someone there could need it. As for wills, I haven't written one (yet!). He said he said to think about my family and bump and to not name him in my will (unless we own property together) as he would rather someone who needs it could have it or it all goes to our baby.

My family all like him and does my friends.

When I first met, I was unsure of 15 years age gap but I fancied him so much and saw he had good intentions immediately. I only ever get green flags from him. The only red flag is he works alot but his work over allocated him and he has said it needs to change in the new year or he is walking (he is quite senior and a few companies are interested in him). He said this because it's affecting his work life balance and because he doesn't want work interfering with us and our baby when they are here x

Why do you not get married?

The first thing I would do is contact a lettings agency to see what their view is of letting your house out and for how much it would rent out for. From there you could explore other considerations such as whether you need to convert to a buy to let mortgage and and also tax implications as financially it's not such a good thing to do these days as it once was. Should you decide to let your house out I would always do it through a lettings agency.
I wouldn't worry about all the spreadsheet business- most men have obsessions whether it be fishing, football, computer games. I think your partner just wants to make sure that everything is going to be affordable, I certainly don't think he's trying to shaft you!
Once your baby is here there will untold expenses for the next 20 years or so. Childcare costs are very high and if you have to travel an hour to get to work and an hour back it will be hard going. Is your partner prepared to help?
As for paying for your own coffees and lunches, well chance would be a fine thing with a new baby!!
As long as your partner is reasonably generous with you I don't think you have anything to worry about. I am wondering if your parents like him and any siblings you may have?
Try not to worry and cross your bridges when you get to them but for now you could see whether you can retain ownership of your house so you have a bolthole to go to if it's ever necessary.
I wish you well and hope that you will enjoy your pregnancy.

I think for many women it’s natural to feel anxious for security in pregnancy. Are you looking after yourself and do you have a friend you can chat and chill with when you need it? We all do things differently but I’m quite a practical person and if I were to be moving in with someone these days I would speak to a financial advisor and a solicitor if I could afford it prior to doing so. If you’re in a union or professional body check out what they offer members in terms of financial and legal advice. Both the professional body and union I am still in do both. Wishing you all the best.

Allira, there will be even more doomsters on Mumsnet - they all seem to assume the worst from men! They also seem to imagine that a breakup with the father of their child is easy.

I did explain why I came to use the phrase "old fashioned" (and believe me I am old!) - in my younger years I couldn't have supported myself financially, whereas my two DDs both earn a lot more than their husbands.

I agree Madmeg that the advice seems ‘old-fashioned’ but that doesn’t make it invalid. We can only advise on what we know. Things do change, including laws on who gets what when relationships end. That’s why the OP would benefit from advice from mumsnetters or even better a solicitor.
Personally I prefer the ‘old-fashioned’ way to this modern dilemma! The younger generation have my sympathy regarding this - it seems so complicated and definitely less romantic.

Sparklefizz

And I feel sorry for his cats with a bloomin' great husky moving in.

Huskies can live outside, in fact it's probably better for them than in a centrally heated house.

I think some of these GNs are being doomsters

Best advise the OP to ask Mumsnetters then.

The one thing missing from this scenario seems to be love and, dare I use the word, romance.
But of course, that would seem rather "old fashioned" to say the least.

It sounds as if the OP has visited his home often with her dog and no apparent problems. TBH I think some replies here are rather "old fashioned" to say the least. The OP has a very healthy salary, she is not a child nor financially dependent on this man for her future. Doesn't everyone take a risk when having a child/getting married - the divorce rate is high these days? Many people on GN have been through it. Nowadays lots of couples shun marriage, it is no longer a passport for security.

I'd agree with her renting out her house for now.

Otherwise I don't see anything wrong with this man. He sounds right up my street! I also love spreadsheets, they help those struggling with their finances as well as those with plenty spare to do the best they can with it. It seems very responsible of him to me. He won't be overdrawn in the bank account within a month as my DH would be!

Good luck to you. I also tinker on Mumsnet now and again and know exactly what you mean, but I think some of these GNs are being doomsters.

Well, of course re the baby Allira.

You can't generalise about cats. My own cat wouldn't cope at all if a huge dog - or even a small dog - moved in. Many cats are not at all feisty and all of them are territorial and creatures of habit.

Sparklefizz

And I feel sorry for his cats with a bloomin' great husky moving in.

🤔 Cats are quite capable of holding their own. The husky might be more frightened of them.

I'd be more worried about this poor little baby.

If you’re a genuine poster then I’d say, If you sell your house, you’re giving up your best asset.
You talk about spread sheets, wills and not wanting to marry just for security but haven’t taken independent legal advice which I advise you to do.
I’m sure you’re aware that in the absence of marriage, or a legal document signed by both of you on the basis of independent legal advice, you’re up a gum tree. You’re pregnant, moving into his house with a financial agreement based on his spreadsheets. Strange start imo

You are receiving good advice from the gransnetters and basically we all are saying keep your house to protect you and the baby in the current situation.
We are all longer in the tooth and have seen life and its realities- hence trying to make you see the vulnerable position you could be putting yourself into.
Having said that, and from what you’ve said about your partner’s expectations, he does seem to have honest intentions.
BUT we all know words are not actions and what a person thinks today could well not be what they want tomorrow. That’s where your (and your child’s) vulnerability lays.

You say getting married while your pregnant looks like it’s for the wrong reasons. You know it’s not from what you’ve said. Your partner has also said he wants to - that’s all that matters isn’t it?

If you can’t keep your house then either live independently as another gransnetter said, use your savings to reduce your mortgage so you can rent it out, or get your name on the deeds.
I don’t know if it’s still applicable today but keep receipts of what you have contributed to living in his house to help you not be out of pocket should the relationship not work out in the future.

Seems cold but again life’s experience!

I really think you should see a solicitor to help both of you deal with this fairly and to have a good understanding of where you both stand should you separate further down the line. There’s a lot oat stake and this getting expert advice shouldn’t be seen as a negative thing to do. Worth it!

Try not to stress, it’s not good for you or baby.

Maybe your hormones are dancing overtime! Don’t worry, you trust your partner, you planned this baby together, just try to enjoy it.

Married or not your relationship will either work or not, we all take that chance, life offers no guarantees.

Good luck

It seems a wee bit one sided to me. If you are in a partnership and expecting a baby, it should be 50/50 on everything, no matter if he earns more than you do.

I am of the old fashioned brigade, share and share alike, what is his is yours and what is yours is his.

When you do have to stop work to have your baby then he supports you until you decide to go back to work and then whatever it costs for childcare.

I would quitely see a solicitor, it will be free for the first hour from what I remember reading, and find out what is what.

Oh no I haven't mentioned love. I didn't wsnt to incase i was told i was being naive. I do really lovd him. He's the only person I've wanted kids with and really wanted a future with. I have been .married before, but with my ex husband, I kept putting off the kids chat as I probably knew deep down I didn't want children with him / I wasn't ready and looking back, I wanted the big fairytale wedding. I can't remember being excited about getting married to him speficually, it was all about the wedding. Within months of knowing my current dp, I knew I wanted forever with him. I don't care about a big fancy wedding anymore, I'm excited to be his wife and call him my husband. With kids, nothing was seen as barriers - my exhusband, everything seemed a barrier, oh let's do this first, I want to chnfe jobs, let's get a dog, etc. - now, I know life isn't perfect but damn I am excited to be having a little family with him. I can't wait for our little one to be here. It Just feels so right and I'm very happy x

You seem so unsure of everything, you are asking us things you should be positive about yourself we don’t know him so really can’t help you If you are needing to ask strangers then it’s best you stay where you are
He sounds very old with all his spreadsheets and you sound very young with all your doubts

I think he is being more than fair, both of you have equal responsibility to the home you live in. How will moving in with him work when you end maternity leave though and 2 hours a day are spent in travel?

Confusedfriend

I suppose i don't want to marry him asap before baby born because it would be for the wrong intentions. Ie making me feel secure. He suggested we do that.. I mean, if his intentions were bad, would he suggest that?@

You don't mention love. Do you love him? This all sounds wrong to me.

I would suggest stay living in your own home if you can't rent it out. Don't move into his place. Keep the arrangement as it is with 2 separate homes.

Well I wasn’t thinking of making you secure I was thinking more about the baby Do you want to marry him?
May I ask how old you are Confused ?

Thank you. I don't think I would be able to rent out my home. I only purchased it two years ago and my loan to value is 20% whereas I've read you need to own 25% x

It all sounds very clinical and a bit depressing IMO. You did ask for opinions.
I agree, unless you are married, don't sell your house, you may need it again.
Sorry, but your situation sounds precarious to me.
Good luck with the pregnancy.

I suppose i don't want to marry him asap before baby born because it would be for the wrong intentions. Ie making me feel secure. He suggested we do that.. I mean, if his intentions were bad, would he suggest that?@