Maternity finances with DP - does this seem fair?

Is there a reason you are not marrying him Confused

He can easily put you in his will, pension and deeds and he can also easily take you off these agreements. Please don’t sell your home.

MissAdventure

I think it sounds fair, so apart from if you think he is somehow feathering his own nest, then you have nothing to worry about.

Its a bit of a leap of faith, I suppose.

That’s my instinct too.

MissAdventure

I think it sounds fair, so apart from if you think he is somehow feathering his own nest, then you have nothing to worry about.

Its a bit of a leap of faith, I suppose.

I agree, but you are asking Gransnet, which is OK, but I get the impression you are unsure, in that case, do not sell your house, and maybe only move in when you are sure.

It all sounds very clinical with all the spreadsheets etc He would drive me mad with spreadsheets for everything I bet he has one for how many times he goes to the toilet in a day 🤣

Seriously I would nt be giving up my house I d rent it out certainly for the first few years anyway
A husky, 2 cats, a pregnancy and a move sounds a heavy combination to start a new life off
No way would I have a husky and a new baby but that’s just me

He is 15 years older. Ex wife from many many years ago. No contact. No children.

He didn't just tell me, he showed me and it's in his will x

And I feel sorry for his cats with a bloomin' great husky moving in.

Confusedfriend He is older than you, you mention he could retire early. How old is he? Does he have a first family and ex wife?

There are several red flags here. Don't sell your house though. Rent it out, it's your security. Talk is cheap - he can say he's signed his pensions over to you, he can say anything at all. Actions speak louder than words. Love can go out of the window. You have a child to think about.

It all seems fair enough to me Confusedfriend but I would strongly advise you to keep hold of your house and rent it out. I asked if he could move in with you, apologies if you've answered and I've missed it.

Don’t sell, rent your own home. The money from the rent you can put into a pension fund for yourself, your maternity pay can pay for your keep until you go back to work.

It is his child as much as yours so he should step up to pay the extra you will need, for you and your child. Don’t count your chickens before they have hatched, meaning you are not married and not on his house deeds you have the responsibility for your child’s future and pension to think about.

Go onto mumsnett they are more up to date on these matters.

We did plan it out and said this would always happen. I suppose worry has crept in because I've read so much negativity and stories where it has gone wrong.
But I make a good salary, I have plenty of savings that are mine and he doesn't have access, nor wants access to, and the sale of my house is going into those savings too, I'm saving them so it's my half of the deposit for when we buy somewhere. But apart from that I have 30k in savings additional to the house. I am not spending this during maternity leave and have had these savings for some years so I am not going to spend them now on nothing.

OP is one of what?
If you have a snide remark to make, just come out and say it. Or better yet, address me on here and tell me. Don't post passive aggressive comments.
The reason I am not on mumsnet is because it's a rather toxic place where everyone puts everyone down and the original poster is usually bashed in someway. I thought gransnet was a little better. Well, it is, if you removed the likes of the poster I am addressing.

Maybe this is an old fashioned way of thinking but would it not have been better to have discussed finances properly before you decided to start a family? You're presented with a bit of a fait accomplì now and, in your predicament, I'd be making plans to secure my own future and financial security independently. But I'm sure you'll have already considered this?

No, he isn't looking for any rent money from me or any payment towards his mortgage. Adding me to thr deeds was becaude I said I wanted to feel secure. I.e he can't Just kick me out. He was pretty hurt by that statement. He said he would only ask for his mortgage to be split between us if we decided we wanted to live there forever. But we agreed that won't happen 🤷🏼‍♀️

So basically apart from my own personal bills, and what I've outlined. He doesn't want me to contribute to anything else and is encouraging me to save my money for maternity. If my house sells quickly I will save £900 per month. He isn't looking for any of that. He said it wouldn't be fair.

No don't think he is. Although he is on a higher salary. He is putting most of that into pension and doing his hosue up. He has told me, and all his family (I've been present) that he will put it for sale at the v.latest at end of next year. The house has great potential and he has a spreadsheet where he has worked out the highest and lowest value he can get. He said he wants the highest value, hence the work he wants to do. He even has our wedding on the spreadsheet so his house sale will pay for the lot. He did say that if needs must he will sell and get lower for it if we find living there full time, albeit temporary for 1 yesr, isn't for us.

You're right, he is open, transparent and all his income is listed on spreadsheet which i have access to. There is nothing hidden and he's leaving everythubg to me and we aren't even married.

I think the OP is one of those 😉

Get married to get the security you need.

TBH you probably need a solicitor to make it completely fair. It’s quite complex when houses/mortgages/ savings etc are part of the deal and without knowing a lot more financial information it’s hard to advise you.

A modern day problem. But do take care I’ve seen a few couples get it wrong; one lost an inheritance, another took on a mortgage without going on the title deeds; another ‘lost’ all their savings. Another whose relationship is ok has put themselves in a precarious situation should the relationship end for whatever reason.
Good luck.
BTW without marriage (or even with) I’d keep my own home and rent it out. Then just pay him lodge.

I think it sounds fair, so apart from if you think he is somehow feathering his own nest, then you have nothing to worry about.

Its a bit of a leap of faith, I suppose.

Cold

You might get better replies on Mumsnet rather than Gransnet for grandparents.

Agree.

I did say I felt a bit insecure like what if he ended things and I'm left with no hosue to go to. He felt hurt by that and said he would put me on the deeds if if doesnt cost a crazy amount - only because that money could be spent elsewhere. I'm now on his will, we are engaged and he's updated all pensions to be left for me. He is a little bit older and has enough to retire on at the moment - if he were single- but he's planned to work for another ten years so he can save enough pension for me to have when I reach pension age (my pension is tiny, I've only started taken it seriously last year or two.. unlike him, his dad made a point in Telling him lots about pensions when he was little and he puts 1.5k in his pot every month). He also has another spreadsheet created (he loves a spreadshee), where he has listed all his pension contributions, and the likely inflation and he checks this every week and updates (he loves data). He has worked out on my private pension, it won't be much to live on, unless I want to live very cheaply and that's why he is working longer to big up his pension so he can leave it to me). When we visited his parents last week, him and his dad were talking pensions and he told them all of this and that he wants to provide for me when he is gone and that it's all being left to me.

When I mentioned feeling insecure again, he said he feels hurt as every week he is planning for our future. He said the only way to make me feel better is to get married asap before baby is born. I said I didn't want that, intentions seem wrong, he said he doesn't know what will help then.

So basically, when me and my pooch move in, he only wants £70 per month council tax, whatever i can contribute to electricity, even if it's £20, he just wants something even if its tiny, and me to pay towards food, as we have been doing. He doesn't want any other payments from me. He said if I've not paid off my car loan before maternity he will pay thay monthly for me. He said he wants me to think about what I need to spend and to save for that as he said ill probably want to meet friends and have coffees. He said if it's joint expense he will pay the lot if I cant but he said he only wants me to do a cash flow model on what I would want to spend each month on myself (clothes, coffees out, lunches with friends). He said he simply can't afford to pay that on top of everythubg else. My question is: isn't his bills going to be the same as they are now? If I'm paying council tax increase, paying what I can for electricity and food?

Or does that all seem fair?

He isn't looking for any money from my house sale, he has encouraged me to upgrade my car as its really old but he has his own car so this would be mine only. He has also suggested getting rid of my car and sharing his but once I'm in employment again, he would want me to contribute to fuel / maintenance, especially as I'll be driving it to my work (1 hr away) whereas he works from home.

Do you think it all sounds okay?

I suppose i keep reading things online about break ups and then being left with nothing but I would have my savings that are not joint, they are purely mine so I wouldn't have nothing.

Opinions, please x

Why are you asking this on a grandparents’ forum? Surely you’ll get a more useful response on mumsnet?

My husky is coming too. I already live there half of the week. I work from home on a Thursday and Friday so I have an office set up at his house and spend Wednesday night to Monday evening there. With my husky too ☺️ the husky and cats don't get on but there seperated. Luckily they are outdoor cats so they are mostly away and my dog is usually around the house or out with us for long walks and days out x

Perhaps marry, stability for your new family?

Keep your home, make sure (solicitor) it's protected at yours.

Where will your husky go when you move in with him and his cats?

Also, my partner hasn't told me to sell my house. He said i should look at renting it out as an income. He isn't telling me to sell me house nor has he asked me for any house sale money. He already knows about my savings currently and hasn't asked for a penny. He has a higher salary than me