Advice needed please!

This is exactly what my cousin and his wife did 35 years ago - totally understand their wish for a quiet ceremony - their's was in a Church on a mountain .

I've always believed that it's not the day that's important but what happens after. I've been happily married to my DH for 44 years and we had 5 to our wedding. Maybe offer to have a little family gathering to acknowledge the marriage when convenient. As you said you and her father were not on good terms, maybe this is the problem. Weddings also cost an arm and a leg these days. I know it's hard but respect her reasons and enjoy the future.

My daughter did something similar. I was quite happy with it as I knew the couple we very well suited. Some people just don't like a fuss. We had a family meal later to mark the occasion. They are happy, that is all that mattered.

20bbbbbbb1

My daughter did something very similar back in September. Similar family circumstances, I divorced from her dad back in 2009 and we've all moved on. My son and daughter have no contact with their father. Back in September I had my grandson for the weekend while my daughter and partner went on a spa weekend. On the Friday evening she sent a photo of herself and her partner who was now my son in law...they'd snuck off after dropping little one here and got married. So I can understand the hurt you are feeling. They choose two neighbours to be their witnesses...the two neighbours are older than myself. At the end of the day as much as it stung it's what they wanted and I'm glad they've made the commitment to each other for the future and for my grandson. It is hard and hurtful especially when I have friends who's daughters are getting married and mums are involved. But is it worth falling out over and losing your daughter. Hope it helps to know you're not alone.

Smile nicely and agree some other way to celebrate with her later. If you and your ex cannot be amicable for the sake of your children you might expect more events in the future that you will miss. Maybe you need to come to an agreement with him to be polite and amicable for the sake of the family. Holding on to venom hurts no one but yourself.

My daughter did something very similar back in September. Similar family circumstances, I divorced from her dad back in 2009 and we've all moved on. My son and daughter have no contact with their father. Back in September I had my grandson for the weekend while my daughter and partner went on a spa weekend. On the Friday evening she sent a photo of herself and her partner who was now my son in law...they'd snuck off after dropping little one here and got married. So I can understand the hurt you are feeling. They choose two neighbours to be their witnesses...the two neighbours are older than myself. At the end of the day as much as it stung it's what they wanted and I'm glad they've made the commitment to each other for the future and for my grandson. It is hard and hurtful especially when I have friends who's daughters are getting married and mums are involved. But is it worth falling out over and losing your daughter. Hope it helps to know you're not alone.

4allweknow

On reading your post I immediately thought your DD is considering the situation between you and her father. Give her some credit for doing that. It's not as if you have been singled out. Wish the couple well. Would it be possible to have a meal out with the couple to just hear what they have planned for the event.

This is exactly how I see it.

We had a small wedding, as both my parents were dead, and my gran unable to attend. We kept it to immediate family ie my DH’s parents, my 2 brothers, DH’s brother, their partners, and other family members we chose to spend time with. I still look back fondly even after 42years. My son did the same when he got married in August and his brother is getting married in April 2026, in Spain there will 21 people in the wedding party including the bride and groom. It’s the bride and groom’s choice so please honour their wishes.

You know her reasons just accept them and be happy for her

My mother dictated the whole wedding and didn’t even invite people I wanted If I had my way today just get married wherever you want no fuss no rubbish presents how many egg cups do you need hate boiled eggs given away Woukd have loved a wedding with just 2witnesses

I had a work friend, who phoned up one morning to say she wouldn't be in that day as she was getting maried that morning. Her dad had been working nights so she didn't wake him up to tell him as he was back on nights that evening.
My son also phoned from Holland to say he wasn't coming over the next day as planned because he was getting married.

Everyone does things in their own way and you can try and bite the bullet and accept it so that your relationship with your daughter continues as before or you can make a fuss and make her feel guilty and maybe lose her forever.

It’s their day, their choice. Don’t dwell on it. Even when they do invite you, it can end up disappointing. I had so looked forward to my daughter’s wedding, but I never got anywhere near her on the actual day - she just wanted to be with her pals!

It’s her day, not yours, I’m afraid you have to swallow your feelings, wish them well and enjoy the photos, sometimes when I see the money some folk spend on a wedding I have to say I’m appalled, yes I know it’s their money and their day but good on your daughter for having the courage to do it her way.

JulieMc - your daughter has explained her reason to you - she doesn't want the possibility of an awkward situation between you and her father at her wedding. She doesn't trust you both in the same room and as you said, your divorce wasn't amicable, and her father is re-married. You need to get used to this because if she has children and there are other 'family' occasions such as baptisms or kids' birthday parties, the same thing will happen. It's up to you and your ex to get talking and be civil towards each other so that your daughter really buys into the idea that her parents can genuinely put their differences behind them when in the same room. She clearly doesn't believe that's possible right now and she doesn't want to have to, nor should she have to choose which of you to invite. Not inviting her brothers is a spin off of that main problem, designed to enable her to say she wants it very quiet but really they're collateral damage. It's causing a lot of pain I can see but it's not an unusual situation - as a therapist I've come across this many times. It's all about the fear of divorced parents making a scene so that's what you should work on for the future.

I am wondering whether the reason to not invite any of the family is simply because of possible family dynamics, it would be too stressful just worrying about how people may be even if they are polite to each - there could be awkwardness. That may be why especially as you and your ex parted on such bad terms. It is their special day and I think it is understandable to make the decision - no family , just 3 close friends. So it will be a very lovely and affordable + fuss free day. Family can celebrate later - maybe take them out for a celebration meal. If they had invited some members of the family and not you, then yes, that would be hurtful. But no family has been invited as they decided that is the easiest thing to do because the last thing they want to do is hurt or upset people. I would therefore not take it personally .

Try not to be hurt as it is what they want . However when my mother got married again when I was 18 and just happened to tell me 3 months later even tho I had seen her a few times since the wedding - my reply was well I won’t be giving you a present then . Maybe you don’t need to worry about gifts , travel and clothes for the occasion . Just be pleasant when you see them . Just an idea . Good luck 🍀

On reading your post I immediately thought your DD is considering the situation between you and her father. Give her some credit for doing that. It's not as if you have been singled out. Wish the couple well. Would it be possible to have a meal out with the couple to just hear what they have planned for the event.

It sounds as though you have done a really good job in hiding your hurt and disappointment. Well done.
Just support her and wish her well and shower her with all the normal love and attention that you would at such a special time.
A very similar thing happened to my husband and I.
My daughter didn’t invite any of the family, preferring to get married just by themselves, just the two of them.
It was incredibly hurtful as a mother but I tried very hard not to show that I was upset. It all worked out well enough, although it was painful. Especially at the time of day that they were married, to know we were not there.
But like in your case, there was nothing personal in it. My daughter still loves me.
We just have to respect the fact that we’re all different and it’s important for the young couple/your daughter to know that they are loved and respected enough to be able to make the choices that they want to on their own wedding day.
Much love x

@ Lathyrus3 not necessarily… my ex and myself managed for the sake of our Son…

How hurtful this is it's there day. They might be thinking let's have a day to ourselves without worrying about others.
Let the day flow with love and happiness.
My husband and I did the same thing.
Had 2 cousins as whitnesses, plus the day went fantastically well.
40 yrs later wouldn't have done it any other way.
It won't mean she don't love you any less,
Let them have their day and give them your blessing.

Despite what others are saying, I think it’s selfish and unkind to exclude your mother, from your wedding.

I sympathise with the Op. My daughter got married very quietly with just 2 witnesses and told us about a week later. Of course we were very happy for her and didn’t let her see how hurt we were . We knew that she might do a quiet wedding but it made us feel very unimportant that it took her so long to get round to telling us. I would have loved to be there but had no choice but to suck it up, and be proud she’d had the guts to stick to what she wanted. There can be so much social pressure to do a marriage a certain way. I’ve heard brides say it ended up being done to suit the “ family” and was a relief just to get it over with. I would suggest the OP doesn’t let her daughter know how hurt she feels. It’s her daughter’s day. Try to focus on positives.

Upset you may be but you have to remember it’s her and her partners day and it should be their decision on what they want, how they are doing it and who they want their.

As she isn’t inviting either parents or relations it sounds fair to me, just a few friends. Don’t make a fuss, just wish them well.
When I remarried we thought about an elopement wedding but everyone complained so much it ended up as a party for 120

One of our daughters was widowed in middle age, after a few years she married again. We had a family gathering at home, inside and in the gardens.

She'd been happily married, with children and grandchildren - she was sensitive to their feelings missing their dad and papa.

Your daughter is being sensitive to awkwardness between her parents - kind really.