worrying about death

Hello Dawn62 there’s some good advice written by other Gransnetters.
I’ve had similar experience as you’ve described and my biggest regret was not accepting I was ‘flailing big time’ and that I should’ve sought counselling. I figured we all have to deal with a parent’s death and face grief….
I wish I’d realised by seeking help from my gp would’ve been the first step of doing something for ‘me’ and was not a sign of weakness. I do hope you can find a way forward and arrive at a more settled mindset.

I have to admit I,m scared of who will be next .7 deaths of close friends since the beginning of November most we,d known for over 40 years.It makes you feel very vulnerable.Its something we just need to work through ,difficult as it is.The main problem I have is I cry a lot ,and I have family who have serious illnesses,so ever time the phone rings I panic.

I wish you well on this toughest of journeys I,m sure peace will come given time but grief isn,t an illness and you,ll work through all the different stages in your own way in your own time .All the best for 2025

Thank you all for your messages,i will really try to take from them.I know we all will die,but after loosing dad,seeing mum just existing,just makes me so scared of what is ahead and worrying about not having the other half of me.I know i should be grateful for what i have and at 63 and still fit and healthy a lot to be grateful for.I had dad for 60 years,i just relive that last week over and over and as i said mum exists for now,i did say to her this week if dad came back he would see a big difference in her and it is my job to try and help her,we talk non stop about dad because neither of us has accepted it mad i know 2 years on but he was so alive and seemed fine the last time i saw him how could he be gone,mum was expecting him home from hospital the same day so she never really said goodbye,he always kissed her goodbye that last day i picked him up for the hospital and he rushed out no kiss and that plays on her mind,mine is seeing him sitting in the hospital waiting room as i drove off and the last chat 30 minutes before his op i keep thinking of all the things i should have said,and i know he would hate to see me like this but i cannot help myself my husband knows how i feel and he is a great support,so i have him my mum and my daughter inlaw,my son as yet i cannot talk to and he know i cannot i will one day but i think that is the day that will hurt the most because my dad loved him so much an only grandchild 41 years old now but i feel guilty over that.I think i am a big time overthinker.
Again thank you all it feels so good to ask for help and someone a stranger is kind enough to offer a few words.

A moving post Whiff, and I know life has been hard in the years since your husband’s premature death but thank goodness you accepted his last gift/legacy inasmuch as he wanted you to live your life to the full.
🌺🙏🏾

Deum!

I used to be terrified of serious illness and death but have learned that fearing the future takes away our ability to live in the present. And that’s all we have. No-one, absolutely no-one, knows what lies ahead.
Yesterday’s history, tomorrow’s a mystery so live in the day. See it as a present to be unwrapped, moment by precious moment. Carpe drum.

Grief is a terrible, but very natural emotion .
I have grieved terribly for loved ones .
I get tremendous comfort from going to church and praying everyday at home .
If I feel like doing so I'll pray as many times a day as I want to .
We have a bereavement group.
But I prefer to distract myself with fun things like a film even a children's film .
I'll watch comedy programmes .
I've stood in the crematorium so many times and wondered about my own passing .Those countless funeral plans on TV make me feel upset-I mute them .
Your local church will have a bereavement group and might be able to help you come to terms with it .
Or a counseller could help .
Fill your days with fun and pleasurable things-it helps a great deal .
Take care ,
Love ,
Esmay
X

I would suggest CBT or Mindfulness training to help with these obsessive, intrusive thoughts..

I can only imagine how difficult it must be.

It's not a healthy way to live, though, grieving aside.

MissAdventure

I think the obsessive thoughts go beyond "normal" grief, but it's just my opinion.

I agree. I had an absolute phobia about death, mine in particular, but others as well.

Ironically since my dear parents deaths I’ve learnt not to obssess about it and try to just put it out of my head.

It’s hard to do and I did it with the help of close friends, but I had got to the point where I was considering professional help.

I have anxiety and am currently taking medication which stabilises me and I currently feel fine and calm and relaxed about most things.

I would urge the OP to seek help.

Whiff

Dawn my husband was diagnosed with grade 4 malignant melanoma in January 2021 we knew he wouldn't live 5 years . Once the cancer was removed he only wanted me and our 2 children know he was going to die . And his way to cope as in his words he didn't want to be tried as a dead man walking. So we lived with the sword of Damocles hanging over head . It was very important to him that he was treated as normal. He couldn't have stood being pitied.

The sword dropped October 2003 with 3 tumour in his right lung ,one in his chest and 2 optical nerve in his brain . He was given 4 months to 2 years to live but we knew he only had months . We had to tell everyone and he cut people out of his life who treated him as different .

He died 4 days after his 47th birthday he died live the 4 months . The irony of this I was born disabled with a rare hereditary neurological condition and and hole in the side of my heart .

But it was my fit healthy husband who got cancer and died.

I can understand why you fear death. But you are missing out on the now and future . My husband was a wise man and knew what I needed to live without him and that was a series of promises the main one was to live the best life you can. We had been together since I was 16 he was 18 29 years and married 22.

Because of my husband I don't live with what ifs or if onlies . I only had my 2 diagnosis of what I was born with in 2020/2021 my heart 2022 my rare hereditary neurological condition.

Dawn you and your husband have had 42 years so far you say you are 63 you could have another 20 years together . You are missing out on living your life to the full. I bet your husband is worried about you not sleeping . Talk to him about your fear and get him to hold you while you tell him .

Please do not miss all the opportunities you have now and for the future you have together. Cherish what you have and don't worry about death. There is no point. None of use know how long we live . What was important to my husband was quality of life not quantity. Its important to me to . So I live my life to the full.

I grieve everyday day for my husband and as the years go by it gets worse but my love for him is as strong as ever. Grief for the other half of yourself is bone crushing but you learn to live with it.

You have your husband make everyday count and please stop worrying about death . Death will come when it does but fear of it is you are missing out on living .

You’re one wise and brave lady

MissAdventure

I think the obsessive thoughts go beyond "normal" grief, but it's just my opinion.

This could also be true. Intrusive thoughts about death that restrict everyday life should be tacked by a GP as you said, cognitive behaviour therapy could be helpful in this instance.

Ilovedogs22

eazybee

“Grief is the price we pay for love.” The Queen delivered these words as part of a condolence message she sent to the families of the 250 British victims of the 9/11 terrorist attack. The words themselves are adapted from a passage written by Dr Colin Murray Parkes, a psychiatrist at St.24 Mar 2021.

I'm certain its a quote what wus ritten by that bloke Shakespeare??😶

Actually it was Colin Murray Parkes (slightly adapted)

I think the obsessive thoughts go beyond "normal" grief, but it's just my opinion.

Grief is a kind of trauma we go through, we need to process it in order to move on. You can’t rush this, it will take as long as it takes.
As others have mentioned contact Cruse. But don’t beat yourself up for feeling the way you do, the mind has weird ways of coping with trauma, in time you will overcome your present obsession with death and start to enjoy the kind of life I am sure your father would want for you.
All the best 🌺🙏🏾

I think you need to visit your gp and tell them you're having intrusive thoughts.
You can refer yourself for therapy (or you used to be able to, at least) and one of the antidepressants is particularly helpful for dealing with the problems you're having.

I hope you can find what you need to help you.

henetha

So sorry, Dawn, but we all lose our parents eventually. I hardly ever knew mine, so treasure all your wonderful memories.
Death is inevitable for all of us, but it's pointless to let it spoil our lives. Just get on with living the best life you can.
Sending you very best wishes that you feel better soon.

I can’t improve on this good advice.

I am sorry for your recent losses and worries about the future.

Perhaps you should look for grief counselling?

Or attend to some of the aspects of death that we all put off for as long as possible.

Talk to your husband about your worries.
Make or revise your wills.
Take out pre-paid funeral plans, or at least discuss and write down what you each want .
If you have children or other young adult relatives, discuss these points with them
You should each make out provisional powers of attorny in case either of you are incapable in the latter months of your lives of making your own decisions.

None of this is particularly pleasant to do, but I assure you, having attended to it will lessen you anxiety about the inevitable.

My husband and I did have time to discuss his wishes, whe n we knew he was dying, and after I had attended to his funeral and wound up his estate, I carried out the steps I have detailed above.

By the way, I am ten years older than you and still in good health, so, as you do not mention any health issues, I hope and trust you have twenty or thirty good years ahead of you.

Please do not let grief and anxiety about the future ruin what could and should be good years.

I used to fear death, and I grieved terribly after the death of my mother but since discovering Near Death Experiences on YouTube, I have felt very comforted . Have a look at this Dawn62, and see what you think.

eazybee

“Grief is the price we pay for love.” The Queen delivered these words as part of a condolence message she sent to the families of the 250 British victims of the 9/11 terrorist attack. The words themselves are adapted from a passage written by Dr Colin Murray Parkes, a psychiatrist at St.24 Mar 2021.

I'm certain its a quote what wus ritten by that bloke Shakespeare??😶

So sorry, Dawn, but we all lose our parents eventually. I hardly ever knew mine, so treasure all your wonderful memories.
Death is inevitable for all of us, but it's pointless to let it spoil our lives. Just get on with living the best life you can.
Sending you very best wishes that you feel better soon.

“Grief is the price we pay for love.” The Queen delivered these words as part of a condolence message she sent to the families of the 250 British victims of the 9/11 terrorist attack. The words themselves are adapted from a passage written by Dr Colin Murray Parkes, a psychiatrist at St.24 Mar 2021.

Just to second the recommendation above for the organisation Cruse. Absolutely excellent bereavement counselling.

Dawn you must seek help, you have your DH - cherish him because he deserves that. We are all going to die !
We all loose our parents , you had your father till you were in your 60s, how lucky is that!? My father died when I was in my 20s and we had just given him his first GC. He died at Christmas time. My Mum was amazing and after a very happy marriage she coped well with her loss. If I find myself alone I hope to follow her example. My father missed 9 GC and left my mother a widow for a very long time.
Please don't spoil what you have , you are in your 60s that is not old - and yes you are fortunate to still have your DH . See your GP and get some counselling if he/ she thinks that is appropriate. I wish you well and remember you will get through this - with professional support. Go for it and enjoy being with your DH. 💐

Hi Dawn, Cruse are an organisation that helps the bereaved. I'll put their website link below. I experienced similar to you and once l understood that my totally irrational fears were due to bereavement, and l wasn't losing my mind, l began to cope. My GP offered antidepressants but l didn't actually take them. It did help to get all the post death tasks sorted out, in some cases delegating to other friends/family as I found it so emotionally draining. Please speak to your GP, reach out to Cruse or seek some form of help. Here's the Cruse link
www.cruse.org.uk/understanding-grief/effects-of-grief/five-stages-of-grief/