Feeling guilty

I think you should probably be honest with her and fully explain your feelings.. So yes. I would write.. but be very clear that you do not want to be her support person.. This will give her time to find some other support.. Perhaps there is a Cancer Support Group or Centre where she lives..

If you don't you could be letting yourself in for years of unwilling caring which neither of you would want..

I can understand you are drained especially given the previous circumstances with your husband and two friends.

I do however think you could be intolerant of other people, the takers yes, I find them obnoxious but the moaners and people you have nothing in common with makes you sound like hard work. I have friends who moan, I change the subject, I have a friend who is very different from me it's interesting and I get a different perspective. You said you culled alot of friends, I dont understand that, you had their friendship once, do they not live up to your standards?

Rockchicknana has obviously had a very hard time over the last few years rafichagran, so I’m not in the least surprised that she has dropped friends who are hard work and add nothing to, but rather detract from, her wellbeing. I think Pascal’s suggestion is sensible.

I haven't been in your situation Rockchicknanna but understand that the possibility of being involved with someone else's cancer diagnosis and treatment is daunting.

Having said you would let her know you would visit when you were free would it not be better for you both if you were to do this? Doing so would enable you to have a clearer assessment; she maybe emotionally stronger than you're expecting and simply looking for a friend rather than someone who will be able to support her through her treatment.

If it is the latter she's looking for, that would be the time to tell her that having done this for your DH and lost 4 members of your family and a close friend to this horrible disease, you feel as you've said drained and have nothing left to give.

I'm sorry for your losses and for your husband's cancer diagnosis and treatment; don't feel guilty .

I agree with Pascal. A letter allows you to put 'your case' whereas if you meet with her, it could be difficult to uphold your reasoning.

Barleyfields

Rockchicknana has obviously had a very hard time over the last few years rafichagran, so I’m not in the least surprised that she has dropped friends who are hard work and add nothing to, but rather detract from, her wellbeing. I think Pascal’s suggestion is sensible.

I agree about the lady with cancer, and I agree with her about takers, but everyone is different like my friends, sometimes it is tiresome as she can argue with herself in a telephone box but on the whole she is a good friend. It's give and take with friendships.

Personally I’d go and visit her for an hour. Listen to whatever she wants to talk about. It’s not much is it?

I’m not sure what you want here? For us to say don’t feel guilty?

The OP is entitled to decide which friendships she continues with, as are we all. Having had such a bad time of late, she doesn’t need those friendships which, as she says, don’t bring her joy - something I imagine is in short supply in her life. Some friends are just too much like hard work.

Yes, except her decision not to visit isn’t giving her joy, is it? It’s making her feel bad with guilt.

So maybe,visiting for an hour is what will really benefit the OP, as well as the person she visits?

Or maybe lots of sympathetic posts saying she’s doing the right thing will be enough to assuage the guilt?

We’re complicated beings.

In some ways these situations really get to me. Yes, I have had cancer twice- I have many relatives who have had cancer and even younger relatives who have died from this horrible disease. I am from a family that seems that have lots of cancer genes.

However, there is another cancer that takes over and that is the one that says people have to be defined by it.
When I hear people talking about the cancer they had years ago (and trust me, many do) I just think 'you're better now- live your life.'

If this was my dilemma I would offer to meet up with this person, but put all talk of treatment and therapy out of the window. I prefer to talk about other things- hobbies, memories, holidays- anything else except cancer!

Why let it define who you are? We are so much more than our illnesses.

When I had cancer for the second time and was undergoing chemo I met up with friends and we kept the conversation about stuff we always talked about.

Even now when I'm with people I know who still talk about their expereinces of cancer I tell them off and tell them it's gone- live your life while you still have it!

So that's my advice to OP- meet her if you want to assuage your guilt but I would try to engage her with things that aren't to do with illness- even if you have nothing in common as you say, be interested in all the other things she is interested in and you may learn something about the nature of friendship.

Lovely sentiments, keeping quiet, but not always practical. In my 80's and tired of giving out and getting not alot back. Time is short. So yes, I am selective and prefer to concentrate on friends who are as interested in my life as I am in theirs.

rafichagran

I can understand you are drained especially given the previous circumstances with your husband and two friends.

I do however think you could be intolerant of other people, the takers yes, I find them obnoxious but the moaners and people you have nothing in common with makes you sound like hard work. I have friends who moan, I change the subject, I have a friend who is very different from me it's interesting and I get a different perspective. You said you culled alot of friends, I dont understand that, you had their friendship once, do they not live up to your standards?

It's not a question of not living up to my standards by any means! One example - my ex-sister in law - for instance I might say to her I was thinking of going somewhere, holiday or whatever. Her response would be Oh that's nice, but..... and then proceed to tell me all the reasons why I shouldn't go - the weather will be crap at that time of year, there's lots of muggings, the food is awful.... and on and on. I used to end our conversations feeling totally deflated. We still keep in touch via Christmas cards and there's always a Round Robin full of woe detailing all the families illnesses over the year - often in way too much detail! I just decided I didn't want such a negative person in my life. Another friend I'd known for many years asked me to do some work for them. The husband told me to invoice him when the work was done which I did. The 'friend' threw a strop and tore it up telling me that 'friends do things for each other for love not money!' It made me reflect on our long friendship and realise that she'd always been a taker.

Rockchicknanna
If I was in your situation I would feel I had to visit this person or I would feel terrible if I didn’t. However, I do understand your reasons for not doing so. Perhaps visit her once and take with you some information of support groups or counsellors that she could talk to and encourage her to contact them. They does sound rather lonely.

Adelaide66

Lovely sentiments, keeping quiet, but not always practical. In my 80's and tired of giving out and getting not alot back. Time is short. So yes, I am selective and prefer to concentrate on friends who are as interested in my life as I am in theirs.

Well I've a long way to go thank goodness!

Rockchickgran The 'friend' who tore your invoice up and was stroppy is not a friend, she is a user, takers and as they say on Mumsnet a CF.
I am talking about people who moan or have a different opinion to you, like some of my friends. I handle it by changing the subject or saying we will have to agree to disagree.
I agree with you about the lady with cancer, and about users and takers.

I cannot see how she is wanting you to be support for her though her cancer, more a meeting for an hour to chat, does it matter if you are different , I would see her for a coffee or the guilt would eat away at me. I haven't ever been in your position with too many friends, just a few but I do like people. It's just an hour or just over.,

Rockchicknana. My opinion is it is your life so live it your way. You have ‘served’ your time of caring and worrying about others. Why should you feel guilty or be told to be more tolerant of others requests/demands. I’m sorry but as we get older we need to be a bit more wary and concerned for our own needs. We recently attended funeral of husbands 89 yr old Aunt, a song played at service was Shirley Bassey’s This is My Life, and this Rockchicknana is your life so live it!

I would just carry on making excuses until your acquaintance as you call her, gets the message.

I don’t think a letter is a good idea.

keepingquiet

In some ways these situations really get to me. Yes, I have had cancer twice- I have many relatives who have had cancer and even younger relatives who have died from this horrible disease. I am from a family that seems that have lots of cancer genes.

However, there is another cancer that takes over and that is the one that says people have to be defined by it.
When I hear people talking about the cancer they had years ago (and trust me, many do) I just think 'you're better now- live your life.'

If this was my dilemma I would offer to meet up with this person, but put all talk of treatment and therapy out of the window. I prefer to talk about other things- hobbies, memories, holidays- anything else except cancer!

Why let it define who you are? We are so much more than our illnesses.

When I had cancer for the second time and was undergoing chemo I met up with friends and we kept the conversation about stuff we always talked about.

Even now when I'm with people I know who still talk about their expereinces of cancer I tell them off and tell them it's gone- live your life while you still have it!

So that's my advice to OP- meet her if you want to assuage your guilt but I would try to engage her with things that aren't to do with illness- even if you have nothing in common as you say, be interested in all the other things she is interested in and you may learn something about the nature of friendship.

I so agree. I’ve had cancer twice myself and never mention it socialising. Can’t stand people going on about health matters and ailments. Neither could my mother and called it rather ‘common’. She quickly moved on if someone engaged with her on their operations etc.😁

I’ll assume a decision has been made as OP was a month ago