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AIBU

Email addresses, wives using their husbands’.

(78 Posts)
Cabbie21 Thu 06-Mar-25 07:44:30

AIBU to be a bit frustrated with ladies who use their husband’s email instead of having their own?
I have just set up an e-mail group list for a u3a group I am facilitating, but it is really confusing when the husband’s name comes up when it is his wife who is replying to me. She is the member of the group, not him.
Why do some women not have their own identity?

Doodledog Sat 08-Mar-25 06:16:22

Nothing😀.

I wasn’t suggesting they could, or should do anything about it. My points were that it is not always the case that people who are doing something are doing it happily, and that we can’t assume that what are, to us, benign communications will necessarily be so to others.

Madmeg Fri 07-Mar-25 20:51:34

I'm involved with several local charitable/political groups and find that several committee members/group leaders either do not understand the importance of the GDPR rules or do not know how to avoid falling foul of them. For instance, if you are sending group emails (say to 20 members of a u3a interest group) you must use a method that does not identify the email address of other members (usually dealt with using the "blind copy" function). This also clearly applies if the membership secretary emails members who have failed to renew their subs. Similarly with the political organisation - some might have good reason for others not to know their political affinity.

Silverbrooks Fri 07-Mar-25 20:11:03

It may be that the woman is being coerced to share all contact details so her husband always knows who is contacting her and about what.

I take your point but what could U3A or any other ordinary organisation do about that? It isn’t their business to question why someone uses a particular email address.

If someone is being controlled or coerced, and indeed that may include monitoring a person via online communication tools, then it’s up to them to report the matter to the police under Section 76 of the Serious Crime Act 2015. If they do so then they have to be able to prove one or the other that:

• firstly, where the behaviour causes the victim to fear violence on at least two occasions (section76(4)(a) SCA 2015), or

• secondly, the serious alarm and distress caused by the suspect’s behaviour has had a substantial adverse effect on the victim’s usual day to day activities (section 76(4)(b) SCA 2015)

I’d suggest that someone who has joined U3A as an individual and is a regular participating member, would struggle to argue the latter.

Again, under GDPR, what could U3A reveal that would be a data breach?

Smileless2012 Fri 07-Mar-25 17:12:32

No Cabbie we don't open each others letters and we don't read one another's emails.

loopyloo Fri 07-Mar-25 16:17:13

Of course it's up to couples themselves to decide but personally I find it odd that women don't have their own email addresses.
In this day and age.

Doodledog Fri 07-Mar-25 16:02:19

Can you give me and example of where you think a breach of personal data might occur bearing in mind this is a couple who are happy to share an email address.

You are assuming that they are happy to share. It may be that the woman is being coerced to share all contact details so her husband always knows who is contacting her and about what.

As regards something like U3A, a problem could occur with something as simple as an email saying that meetings are being held at 6.00pm in the church hall on Wednesdays, and the woman was using the excuse of a meeting on Tuesdays to see her son, against the wishes of her husband.

That scenario is entirely fictional, but who knows? The U3A is not a secretive organisation that is likely to send private communications, but the point of privacy is that people don't need to make their reasons for wanting it public.

Silverbrooks Fri 07-Mar-25 14:22:08

I don’t see that GDPR is an issue with a shared email address in this context. Your duty is to process personal data in a manner that ensures appropriate security including protection against unauthorised or unlawful processing.

I can’t think of anything that could or should be disclosed by U3A in an email that would endanger that security unless one spouse is keeping the membership secret from the other, which seems unlikely.

I’m looking at the membership form for my local U3A. It asks for name address, phone number and asks for payment by bank transfer or cheque.

Were you to be acknowledging a bank transfer, you should never put the payee’s bank details in an email.

Can you give me and example of where you think a breach of personal data might occur bearing in mind this is a couple who are happy to share an email address.

Astitchintime Fri 07-Mar-25 13:51:24

I have reservations about this - I am on a u3a committee and some of my peers share email addresses with their spouses. As we occasionally have to share sensitive information I am concerned that confidential details are potentially being shared. I have approached National Office over this but no one seems to give a jot.

Cabbie21 Fri 07-Mar-25 13:45:38

OP here.
Yes I have amended my Contacts list to make sure only the group member’s name comes up, not her husband’s or vice versa. Of course we use BCC, then it is up to members if they think it is breaking GDPR rules to share with their partner.

My reference to women not having their own identity was purely with regard to communications. It was not meant to be insulting.
I wonder, do people with joint e-mail addresses open each other’s letters ( Royal Mail)?

Stansgran Fri 07-Mar-25 11:56:05

I have different email addresses for different activities but I never thought to have one which would go to spam for companies which insist on having your email address. What a brilliant idea. I have a friend who shares her email with her husband but I think it’s because they use the name of their house. They are moving so I’ll be interested to see if they get a new address.

argymargy Fri 07-Mar-25 06:52:04

FriedGreenTomatoes2

I looked this up. I’m a Hotmail.com user (had it 20+ years and counting).
I found it interesting:

“ Sree Sreenivasan, a strategist with an accomplished digital resume, ignited a fierce debate on LinkedIn in January when he suggested that an email address that ends in @hotmail.com might be grounds for tossing out a job application.

“When you see a resume with a Hotmail address, what do you do?” he wrote. “Treat ’em same as others? Reject ’em right away? Some other response?”

Responses ranged from annoyed (“That would be the same as poking fun at a 15-year-old Toyota that is rust-free and still runs like new. It works, it does its job, and it’s mine. Get over it.”) to outraged (“If my email doesn’t get me the job, then I didn’t want it to begin with!”) to pointedly bombastic (“While you are on it you should track them, find them and put a bullet in their heads. That would teach them.”).

The furor demonstrated that not only are people using one of the world’s oldest webmail services, they’re zealous fans of accounts that some have been using for decades.

But does a Hotmail domain actually matter to job recruiters? What about other long-standing email services, like AOL or Yahoo or Outlook? Recruiters, hiring managers, lawyers and human resources experts we spoke to largely agree that it’s unwise for businesses to discard a job application because of a vintage email domain.

But it still might be time to consider a switch to something fresher.

Seeking tech-savvy applicants

Hotmail launched in 1996 as one of the first public webmail services. Originally stylized as HoTMaiL to highlight its web-based existence (HTML provides the building blocks for most web pages) and because mixing cases was inexplicably popular at the time, Hotmail offered everything that ISP-based email did not. Most notably, while its contemporaries were tied to a specific device, users could access Hotmail from any computer all over the world.”

I have a hotmail.com email that I’ve had forever but for some things I use a couple of different ones. Hotmail emails have more often been filtered into Junk over the years. However it seems very good at removing spam & junk at my end!

Allira Thu 06-Mar-25 23:02:05

Silverbrooks

It's up to couples how they choose to organise their comms. It may be something that they set up years ago and still suits them, especially if they don’t engage in much e-communication.

I can’t imagine how anything to do with U3A interest group business could breach data protection. After all, the emails are going to the members of an interest group so they shouldn’t contain personal data. What's likely to be in there? Our next book group meet will be on Wednesday 12 March at the Rose & Crown where we'll be discussing ...

If OP is confused about who she is receiving an email from, she can use her own email settings to set up the contact as she wishes to see it e.g. (say) Ann Smith email [email protected]

The emails I receive from U3A only show my email address, not those of other members.
U3A uses the Beacon system, perhaps that is why, or they may use bcc.

Doodledog Thu 06-Mar-25 22:54:13

Smileless2012

Some may not be saying people shouldn't do as they wish Doodledog but are insulting those who do share an email address with their husband.

Apparently that means some women don't have their own identity^; sharing an email comes across as ^quite pathetic and the little woman whose unable to use email by herself and requires her husband's permission.

There maybe drawbacks (we haven't come across any) but there's no need for anyone to be insulting.

That's true. Those phrases are quite insulting, I agree.

Silverbrooks Thu 06-Mar-25 22:39:27

It's up to couples how they choose to organise their comms. It may be something that they set up years ago and still suits them, especially if they don’t engage in much e-communication.

I can’t imagine how anything to do with U3A interest group business could breach data protection. After all, the emails are going to the members of an interest group so they shouldn’t contain personal data. What's likely to be in there? Our next book group meet will be on Wednesday 12 March at the Rose & Crown where we'll be discussing ...

If OP is confused about who she is receiving an email from, she can use her own email settings to set up the contact as she wishes to see it e.g. (say) Ann Smith email [email protected]

Smileless2012 Thu 06-Mar-25 22:27:09

Some may not be saying people shouldn't do as they wish Doodledog but are insulting those who do share an email address with their husband.

Apparently that means some women don't have their own identity^; sharing an email comes across as ^quite pathetic and the little woman whose unable to use email by herself and requires her husband's permission.

There maybe drawbacks (we haven't come across any) but there's no need for anyone to be insulting.

Doodledog Thu 06-Mar-25 21:58:20

I don't think anyone is saying people shouldn't do as they wish. They are pointing out the drawbacks, such as how employers look on shared addresses and how they (the posters) feel when information they thought or hoped would be private is shared without their knowledge, and in some cases consent (eg if information for group members goes to other members' husbands).

Norah Thu 06-Mar-25 21:34:56

Smileless2012

It's never been a problem for us or for anyone who emails us, and I see no need for the disparaging comments because some of us share our email address with our husbands angry.

You do as you wish and allow others to do the same.

Agreed.

Each to their own.

NotSpaghetti Thu 06-Mar-25 21:29:13

Foghorn
Not as bad as students applying for university using names such as bunnybumflooziesuzie or hottietottie or hornyhettie
...and yes, it was usually the young women who chose the most unprofessional names.

pinkwoollyjumper Thu 06-Mar-25 21:28:09

DH is a complete technophobe and neither sends nor reads any emails. I have three different email addresses in my name for various reasons and keep one of them for anything DH related such as the local GP services. If he needs to give an email address for any reason he gives that one but he doesn't read them I do.

FoghornLeghorn Thu 06-Mar-25 21:05:52

When I was recruiting for work, rightly or wrongly I found it difficult to look favourably on somebody who supplied their husband’s e-mail address as their own.

Oldbat1 Thu 06-Mar-25 19:16:59

Each to their own. No way would I share email addresses with DH. He gets many many emails from different interest groups etc. I like to keep incoming emails for as little time as possible whereas he keeps thousands and I mean thousands - many are spam and unread. All of the ones I keep are in respective named folders.

Jane71 Thu 06-Mar-25 19:03:31

I use his email and don't have a problem.

Marydoll Thu 06-Mar-25 18:02:32

I use my email to correspond with friends, including some Gransnetters.
I certainly wouldn't want to share an email address with my husband. He would be bored rigid with some of the chat.

Nandalot Thu 06-Mar-25 17:40:27

We have a shared email in my husband’s name. I don’t know how it started but it has always worked for us except in the case of our GP. I am the techie one and no way am I subservient to DH. It works for us because we have lots of shared interests and groups and share bank account etc. so the emails are relevant for both of us.
The only problem I have come up against is that to register with the Ask my GP service I had to have a different email address so I do now have one in my own name but only use for that purpose.

Smileless2012 Thu 06-Mar-25 17:34:01

It's never been a problem for us or for anyone who emails us, and I see no need for the disparaging comments because some of us share our email address with our husbands angry.

You do as you wish and allow others to do the same.