Another click bait post imo
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AIBU
Pregnant Daughter and Boyfriend
(57 Posts)I am conflicted and would appreciate advice.
My 35 year old daughter called me in tears. She is 36 weeks pregnant and moved im with her partner a few weeks go - they live an hr apart and were splitting their time between properties. My daughters property sold and so she has moved in FT with him.
She's told me in the past arguments they've had and when he's pushed her out of the way when she won't let him leave or when she grabs told of him to talk. I don't like hearing this but appreciate everyone has a snapping point when boundaries are pushed and space isn't given. I've told her this too.
She said last night they argued because she told him a work story and he disagreed with how she handled it (they don't work together). She said he raised his voice told her it wasn't up for fucking debate and walked away. She walked after him as she didn't like he implied that he was right and she was wrong end of. He then told her she was clearly incompetent and wacked the food trays off of the oven (no food on trays!). He then walked around not speaking to her. She tried making amends and he didn't want to do that, he wanted sleep. She couldn't understand why they were arguing he said that her arguments in debates are weak and make her look silly.
Fast forward to this afternoon, daughter calls me in tears to tell me this - bf followed her to garage as her car needs repair. They both go home in his car. On way, she asked if they csn stop by Starbucks. He agreed. When they parked up, shetalked about last nights argument, to sort it out. She said after 30mins he was saying he wanted to go home for his interview at 3pm. She continued talking to sort it. After getting her coffee. He got angry in the car saying she had ruined his day, he has little time to prepare now and she doesn't respect boundaries. He said next time she doesn't respect boundaries he will have to be tougher with her by locking himself in rooms etc.
When they got home, he didn't help her out of the car with her stuff (she's 37 weeks pregnant) and went in the house. She followed him and said he should of helped, he said she's capable. Then he goes into his office, she follows him and asks why he's shouting and swearing. He said he wants to be alone to work. She asked for a hug. He then asked her to leave him alone. She said no, she wanted to sort it. This is the bit I don't like, he then grabs her by the wrists, escorts her out the room and slams the door. She goes back in saying he had hurt her and to stop the argument. He then charges towards her shouting saying she is stupid and puts his hands over her.mouth and tells her to listen. He says he wants to work and leave me alone and he didn't want to hear her speak anymore. He turns away, she says she loves him and is sorry and he turns back around and grabs her face and tells her to shut up, he chargers back to his office and slams the door in her face as she followed him. During this, she has pretended that he has caught her fingers in the door and has cried her eyes out saying she needs hospital. He tried cancelling his work interview and appointments, said he was sorry he didn't know her hand was there and she's more.importsnt that work. She told him to work on and she didn't want to be around him. She is now sitting in the nursery wondering if they should break up. He comes up stairs and asks why the baby stuff he has purchased is in one pile, she said because she wants whats best. He asked if she was leaving, she said she didn't know and now he's back in his office working.
Sorry for the long story, some of this was phone call, some was text.
I don't like he got physical- is that abusive?
But her lying about him hurting her is wrong and I think a bit abusive too. She said she wants to make him feel bad.
Please help
There’s no excuse at all for violence so she needs to leave him. But she also must respect people’s space in her next relationship as she sounds extremely irritating and manipulative. Pretending he had caught her fingers is just crazy.
From what you say, your daughter does not respect her boyfriend's wishes or boundaries, and he retaliates by behaving in a very unlikeable way. They are quite obviously both at fault.
They sound like a couple who just do not belong together.
It is too late in the day to teach either or both of them to be more considerate of the other, so splitting up would probably be best.
OldFrill
She's coercive in pretending he hurt her when he hadn't. She's a dangerous woman.
I agree, she pushed every button, lied, and would not back off. She was goading him and he reacted, (wrongly)
I am not certain if this post is true though.
I'm not condoning the man's violent behaviour but your daughter should stop hounding him. Men don't like feeling trapped. It makes them go into a sort of virtual cave and shut themselves off and then communication stops.
It sounds as though they need to see a good couples councellor.
What does your son think, Estatehelp - does your daughter talk to him?
I think people are assuming this is a bot erroneously.
Come back Estatehelp. Some of us have worked with families like yours and can see this happening.
petra
She doesn’t exist. It’s all spewed out of a computer program called a chat bot.
Such a tale of woe 😪
Is it the same daughter?
She doesn’t exist. It’s all spewed out of a computer program called a chat bot.
Honestly, it sounds like reactive abuse on his part.
She won’t leave him alone, demanding his time and attention, physically forcing confrontations by refusing to let him leave or grabbing him, sabotaging job interviews, screwing with his sleep.
And then crying when he finally reacts.
They need to split. Period.
She's coercive in pretending he hurt her when he hadn't. She's a dangerous woman.
Astitchintime
If she were my fdaughter I would be driving over to collect her….. I don’t totally agree with how she behaved but she is heavily pregnant and living with a violent, coercive, controlling bully!
He doesn’t necessarily sound like a violent coercive controlling bully to me he sounds like a man at the end of his tether trying to work and having a partner that won’t leave him alone
He acted badly and shouldn’t be shouting or grabbing her but if the girlfriend is constantly trying to get him to react /talk/ make up/give her attention it ll drive him up the wall especially if it’s in work time
They need to be apart she must have sold her house very quickly so that was a bad move to start with, why not keep her house for a few months while they could see if the fit was right ( it obviously isn’t) but now she’s snookered move to mums me thinks
They don't sound very happy together. Might be best to split up and co parent.
This is not a healthy or safe place to bring a baby into the world.
Please ask her to come home.
I'm thinking this may be a daughter and partner we have heard about before.
If so why did she go back to him?
I thought things had improved living apart?
Oh dear of course he shouldn’t be grabbing her etc BUT she really is in his face pushing all his buttons constantly and would get a reaction from even a saint She is pushing, pushing, pushing, he just wants to get on with his work and she’s like a mosquito buzzing around in his face of, course he’s going to react, and he did overreact but he didn’t hit her, he was just loud and angry he told her enough times to leave him alone but she kept in his face buzz buzz buzz They sound very unsuitable she sounds very needy for a 35 year old
Keep your husband out of the situation !!!
your daughter sounds as if she has few boundaries, now she has overshared all this stuff dumping it on your shoulders.
She sounds very immature probably not helped by being pregnant disastrous situation I would suggest some counselling for your daughter in how to back off when told ‘leave me alone’
If she were my fdaughter I would be driving over to collect her….. I don’t totally agree with how she behaved but she is heavily pregnant and living with a violent, coercive, controlling bully!
I don’t believe a word of it.
Just someone playing with their new ChatBot program.
Have you noticed your daughter has a tendancy towards controlling and manipulative behaviour? That is what I see throughout your story. He is in the wrong for resorting to being physical to push her away and she is wrong to keep forcing his attention and making it impossible to do his paid job. She is also wrong to lie and say he hurt her and to engage in more behaviours to further escalate the situation. I really do not know what I can advise you, this is a recipe for disaster with two people who have low emotional maturity and a baby soon involved.
Had this with my daughter and her ex (then boyfriend). She can be a bit like a dog with a bone but his attitude towards her was dreadful. He punched things, smashed things (she says he never hit her so I take it to be true). We frequently had calls at silly o'clock to get her out of the property as he was ranting. They had a baby and he still punched things, etc, but never hurt his child who he adores. Your daughter needs to remove herself from the situation, it won't improve. Had to collect my daughter on New Year's Eve on one occasion and we told her that if she returned to him we would have to stop contact as it was too stressful. She finally saw sense.
Yes he is horrible and she should move herself back out... but why is she deliberately pushing him when he's about to have an interview - she is setting him up to fail?
Why is she not letting him work?
Why is she "grabbing him" to talk?
...and not letting him go into another room?
Why is she trying to making him talk when it's so obviously not the right time?
Clearly he's not very nice or kind or thoughtful - and is prone to violent outbursts.
But finally, why can't she carry "her stuff" out of the car at 36/37 weeks pregnant? Surely she carried it in?
I think I'd tell her to just come home (to me) if I was her mum.
I think his behaviour is not right but I also think she is making the situation worse, e.g following him into the room when he said he needs to work and prepare for an interview. Has she always been like this? What was the relationship like before her pregnancy? I get the impression it is a fairly new relationship, certainly the living together bit is new, Is he finding it hard to share his space plus the prospect of being a new father. I don't want to make excuses for him and perhaps some time apart may make the consider what they both want out of the relationship and boundaries on both sides. Can you suggest couple counselling as a way forward. Your DH ploughing in isn't going to help.Although I can understand how he feels. But don't forget you only have Her side of the story.
Prima facie, I’ve got to agree with Jewelle. This really is going no-where and your DD needs to back off/away. I wonder how long they’ve been together and if this baby was planned?
Her BF is clearly volatile, but she seems to insist on ‘lighting the blue touch paper’.
Two wrongs really don’t make a right.
She sounds incredibly hard work. Why on earth does she keep going on and on and not leaving him alone when he's told her numerous times to do so. It sounds like she's pushing all his buttons, knowing he can be volatile, and then making out he hurt her and crying.....
They need to split up, this situation is going to get very ugly indeed. Neither party is listening to the other.
Your daughter needs to protect herself and her unborn child. Her partner's behaviour towards a pregnant woman is inexcusable.
She has to leave him alone and deal with relationship issues after the birth. It seems as though she cannot let go of an argument and it is clear going over it endlessly will solve nothing.
Make sure she hangs on to her money from the sale of her property. The future looks bleak at the moment.
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