In co-dependent relationship with my brother

Well done for recognising the issue. Many people don't. My brother sounds very similar. He has been difficult all his life but moved from Scotland to London and worked in a highly specialised field where he was well regarded. He was left a smallish sum of money in an inheritance and promptly gave up his job and travelled the world following the English cricket team.
I tell you this to show how he could organise himself and his finances. However the money ran out and he ran back to Scotland, leaving debts galore and lived with our parents which was the worst thing to happen. He became dependent on mum and vice versa, particularly when dad died. I could see what was happening and took a huge step back. My relationship with mum didn't recover and I have very little relationship or respect with him.
I think you are correct that you are falling into that role. Does it fulfill a need in you? Do you have a saviour complex? I, possibly, did throughout my life. Why do you have to do anything when he lives with your other brother? Let your brother deal with him or not. Step off the wheel. But you will have to be prepared to let things happen out with your control. And it could get messy. My mantra is, you are not my problem. Tgats the only advice I can offer. I hope someone can give you better help. Good luck.

Thank you for your kind reply Grandmabatty and yes, I think I might have a saviour complex! Not sure why, it must be based on some sort of fear which I’ll try and explore.
Our other brother is very kind in letting him live with him but that’s all he does. He’s made suggestions but they fall on deaf ears and recognises he needs to look after himself.
I will repeat your mantra and try and learn what’s in my control and what isn’t.

LaCrepescule
There is a very true saying: Don’t rescue to the point where you have to be rescued.

That’s how I’m beginning to feel!

Could you go.with him to the psychiatrist? A couple of times maybe and they could set things out for both of you to.see clearly what is happening here.

A suggestion made with much sympathy but ZERO knowledge:- might Assisted Living accommodation suit your brother?
As a side note, my brother behaved similarly and is now hard up, though not in debt. However what I’m aware of is that in company he can talk to anyone, reminisce about so many places and experiences, whereas Goody2Shoes here, who always turned up for work and was never in debt has almost nothing to add to any conversation!
As other posters have said, you must step back. Best of luck

'Could you go.with him to the psychiatrist? A couple of times maybe and they could set things out for both of you to.see clearly what is happening here.'
I disagree with this. It keeps you firmly in the enabler role. Definitely step back now. If he doesn't look for somewhere to live, it's up to your brotherwho is hosting him, to deal with it. If that brother complains to you about him not taking advice etc, ask him what he is going to do about it. Sorry for all the 'hes' and 'hims'. I hope it isn't too confusing.

No, don't go with him... consider the idea of low level assisted living, except again there you are in the role of enabler..

I thing you are great what you've done but time for you and have you considered a bit of warm supportive counselling for yourself if you'd like it to get though?

Possibly your depressed brother doesn't want to live alone. If so, that is something for the two brothers to work out for themselves. You are not empowered to take his depression away from him, unfortunately. You don't have to abandon him but neither are you a bad person if you can't resolve his issues. Your mother couldn't. It is good that you care but you are not duty bound to be his carer. Well done for giving up alcohol. Care for yourself as your first priority, enjoy treats and pleasures, take your mind off your brother when you are doing other things. Try not to be angry with him. His illness is not his fault. But neither is it your fault. If you have a breakdown, what help can you give anybody. Good luck to all of you.

I’m so glad that I posted and am very grateful for all your suggestions.
I have indeed taken over from brother B who brother A is living with and not even considered that B could be involved in helping A find his own place.
This was always the family dynamic; the bossy older sister telling her younger brothers what to do. I’ll try to stop behaving like this.
I’ve also recognised recently that I can be very controlling in certain situations (although thankfully not with my daughter or friends) and that it does neither me nor those on the receiving end any good whatsoever.
I especially like what Chaitriona pointed out: my mother couldn’t help him despite devoting her life to this.
Thank you again to all who took the time to help me 🙏

Thank you for coming back to the thread. I would let your brothers know that you are stepping back and it's now up to them. Look out for either or both of them ignoring that and asking you to still do stuff. If they ask a (leading) question, I would reply, "what do you think you could do?" Answer every question with a question too which forces them to think about it. Such as, "how could you do that task?" Or, "what is your next steps?"
You will get wailing especially if they are used to you taking over, but persist. Google coaching conversations for help with this.

And thank you. The only thing is that brother B has done so much having A live with him (he’s been there for 18 months) that I don’t feel I can ask much more. I couldn’t have A living with me, that would definitely drive me to a nervous breakdown!

Then tell brother A that you appreciate him having brother B live with him (I'm pretty sure you already do) but you are unable to help anymore because of your health. Perhaps a compromise - you talk to an estate agent to arrange a viewing then pass the details to both brothers and that's all. Tell them this will be the limit to your involvement. That way, you are supporting both but not taking over. If brother B doesn't engage, that's down to him, not you.

Remember the advice given on airplanes- put on your own oxygen mask before helping others. If you don’t look after yourself first then you won’t be able to help your brother.
He’s 66, soon to be a pensioner, not a little boy. He’s also your brother, not your child. It’s so good of you to want to help him, but maybe help rather than take over.
You are supporting by getting him counselling. That’s a big help and will hopefully show him how to cope with his own life. Your other brother is supporting by giving him a temporary home, it doesn’t mean that that’s all he can do. He’s in a position to kindly but persistently let your younger brother know it’s time to grow up. You two won’t always be there to bail him out.
(Because you have your own needs)
Stepping back from house hunting and potentially taking over might just be the best help you could give him .

Thank you Dizzyribs

If poorly brother doesn't want to live alone then tho he is a bit young - the blocks of flats for older people with communal lounge, food if you order it, can buy in some care, might be good - but this all depends on costs of course unless he can get hep via Social services/MHealth services onto their supported housing accommodation list.

The question is why do you feel the need to be his new do it all and nip it in the bud....

I just post and not seeing it. Try to understand what drives your desire to do all for him now and nip that tendency in the bud

You're doing so much already, and it’s clear how much you care. But you're right, he’s an adult, and unless he starts taking some initiative himself, nothing will truly change.

It’s okay (and healthy) to step back. You’re not abandoning him, you’re allowing him the space to grow and take responsibility. You’ve helped set things in motion with therapy, and that’s huge.

Most importantly, protect your own recovery and peace. You can support him without losing yourself. You've got this 💛

Thank you 🙏
Yes Milsa, why am I doing all this? Our mother behaved in this way and I can’t be her. There’s something co- dependent going on here and I’m recognising it.
It’s as much as it is about me as it is about him.

What does your other brother think? What input does he have in finding a home for his brother?
Most importantly though, you need to give yourself time and space. The brother isn’t homeless and him taking the opportunity to overcome his situation by accepting therapy is a good way forward.

LaCrepescule I have no advice apart from please look after yourself.You have done so well for two years please don’t let this situation undo your hard work.

He needs his own place, maybe sheltered accomodation, don't take over from you mother, that didn't change him.