Stay or go

Time2

OldFrill

vintageclassics

Husband & I own two properties (mine in which we both live and his former home) neither of us are on the deeds to the others property but both wills state we each have a lifetime interest in the others property. It's a simple request to ensure if anything happened to either of us the other has the ability to live fairly comfortably for their remaining years - once both of us are no longer here the residual passes to his 4 adult children and my adult child and they would get a house between them or each. If OP can't persuade their partner to draw up similar then that is unreasonable and I'd question why they are with someone so clearly selfish!

I would only think it selfish if they jointly owned the property. Why should she live in his property after his death when she has her own property. Gold digging comes to mind.

I think the comment about gold digging is completely out of line 'Old Frill', you should be ashamed of yourself! This lady has said nothing that indicates she's a gold digger, she is simply trying to ensure that if her partner dies first, she's not forced whilst grieving, to leave not only her home, but the area, where she's made a life, and probably friends too.

For all we know they've been together a matter of months. Not in the least ashamed of myself, just a realist.

I'm not sure about this but it may be worth your while to talk to a solicitor to check your position. If you have contributed to the house/mortgage you may have some rights.

I own my house and have been with my partner for 15 years. He has no property. My Will states that my children inherit my house and belongings but he can stay in the house until my children decide they want to sell. My partner is to cover the bills. They do get on really well with him. He can take whatever furniture etc he needs when the time comes. We have discussed this fully and as it is at the moment my children can see no reason why he cannot stay. They both have their own homes and at the moment are financially secure. I have also left a proviso in my Will for my partner to have a lump sum,
In your position Tilda I would have to weigh up my feelings, his feelings, and discuss the future should the worse happen. I would be sorely tempted to move North. Have you any family to support you?
Best wishes with whatever you decide to do.

I understand at that age why the partner doesn't want to marry - I would never remarry, to protect my children's inheritance, which has been built up by my DH and myself. No one I met after my DH would be entitled to the house and money I own in any way.
It doesn't mean he doesn't care about the OP necessarily. But I agree with the PPs who say move back to your own home. He can come and stay, you can still see each other. But you are protecting yourself too.

I knew of a very elderly man who married a woman younger than his children and then died suddenly. It was a beautiful, very expensive house and he left it to his new wife. It caused no end of anger.

This happened to me. I was with my partner for 32 years but I knew he wanted his house to go to his son. He made provision for me to stay as long as I wanted but after he died I felt like the lodger- couldn’t change anything without sons say so. In the end I got a deed from the solicitor reverting the will so that his son could directly inherit ( it makes a difference if a blood relative inherits as far as inheritance tax is concerned. He did leave me some money and I bought my own property

I don’t think it is a case of gold digging, OP has invested her life in him and the social people around. If he dies she moves to her place, if it is empty, and leaves all her social life there. If she moves now she is young enough to find other friendly people. He, however has a live in care/housekeeper.

A widowed friend sold her large home to downsize into her mother’s old bungalow, she had to wait months sofa surfing until the council could rehouse her tenants.

Oh this is a complicated one.

Perhaps the partner feels resentful that Tilda21 wants a lifetime promise in his property, but hasn't reciprocated in any way. We don't know, for instance, if Tilda21 has any children of her own that she will leave her property to, whereas she is asking him to delay any house proceeds to his children until she dies.

I'm surprised that, as this is a recent purchase of his that finances weren't sorted out before they moved in together. Perhaps the partner assumed that Tilda21 would be happy to move back to the north if he did predecease her?

Think we need more information.

I’m sorry I’m going to go against the grain and tell you about the other side of the coin so to speak, how the adult children will probably feel. My own parents worked hard and paid off their mortgage at the age of 35. Dad left my DM for another woman in his late forties leaving 4 children, DM was awarded the house in Court as 2 children were still very young. DM met and married another man who moved in with DM after a few years, he already had his own home in his name which he rented out for many years meanwhile living rent/ mortgage free with my DM. Over the years he did his upmost and kept pestering my DM to have his name added to HER deeds which she rightfully refused to do and couldn’t (which he failed to understand) because the Courts & my DF had allowed my mum to keep the house on proviso it must be passed onto her and my fathers children on her death (willed to us 4 kids of the marriage in other words) My DM was taken extremely ill with a life limiting illness and I asked her what would happen if she died first as was the probability about my stepfather and where he would continue living if she passed first. She said he would stay in her home until he died, even though he owned another property? Us ‘the children’ were not happy about this at all! Now, I hear you ask, surely he should be allowed to stay there as he’d lived with her for 30 years until he died? NO is my answer for several reasons
1) he had already started to let my mothers home get in a state of disrepair as he became older and begrudged doing anything to her house knowing it was being left to her 4 children of the first marriage.

2) if allowed to stay in my DM’s house after her death I doubt for a moment he would of kept up with the upkeep or spent any money on it as he had his own property that would of needed money spent on its upkeep for the time until his death which could have been another 20 odd years after my DM passed away!

3) My Mother had a beautiful home with many beautiful ornaments, paintings, photo frames, personal items she’d collected over the years and she happened to be taken into hospital on one occasion when ill near the end of her life and the whole lot suddenly disappeared. When we enquired what had happened to my DM’s home contents he said they were in storage, no they were not, we never found them again. My DM went blind towards the end so didn’t see or get the gist he’d emptied her home whilst she was still alive and lived in it basically ! Valuable and sentimental items all gone!! Even some of our childhood photos he’d got rid of.

Fortunately he suddenly got very sick and very quickly within 6 weeks passed away before my DM, but God only knows what sort of a derelict home he would of left if he hadn’t suddenly died, it would of probably been a right state if he’d stayed in it after our DM had died. It would have cost me and my siblings a great deal of money to get it in a habitable and saleable state if he’d lived in it for any length of time on his own.
On the other hand my DF had remarried and bought another property with his new wife. Only two of us siblings still spoke to him as he got old and he’d left his half of his house with 2nd wife to us 2 siblings and the woman left her half to her 2 children, with proviso she live in it until her death. My DF passed away and within weeks of his death my father’s wife went completely quiet on me, turns out she sold their house and bought a flat in another town somewhere on her own and in her own name. Given her kids some of the money and there was absolutely nothing we could do, to be honest could be bothered to do but that’s another story. My father would have been horrified if he’d known she moved, disappeared and kept all the money he’d worked the second part of his life for plus he couldn’t stand her DC!
So that’s a small part of why I don’t agree with the law on Wills and blended families. Something better needs to be made lawful that protects the adult children. The thing is will you repair the home of your partner, keep up with the decorating, what if it suddenly needed a new roof or you had major problems with it, will you be happy to keep it in good repair?
Just a thought why don’t you sell your home up North next year and maybe buy a nice bungalow or flat near this home now in the South so it’s ready for you to move into if you’re partner passes first?

Tenko

Hi Tilda21, Are his children behind his decision not to provide for you ? If he allows you to stay in his house , that’s going to impact on them . I only ask because a similar thing happened to a male friend of ours , he moved into his partners house , cared for her when she had cancer and after her death , he had to move out because the house had been left to his children . He claimed she wanted him to stay but the AC vetoed it.
I agree with other posters , move back into your house when your tenant leaves . If you love him , that’s going to be hard but you need to consider your future .

One of our friends died a few years ago and left his wife their house for her lifetime, with the remainder to be divided between his siblings and his daughter after that. They'd not been married long and several sisters were very resentful because they'd always expected to have a hefty inheritance. One actually told his wife that she had no pension and was relying on inheriting.
He also had a daughter whom he had supported all her life, though he had never lived with her mother. He had given her money before he died to help her with a mortgage deposit, which the greedy sister felt should be deducted from her share of the inheritance when the time came.
Our friend had made a will before he died which was not as clearly written by the solicitor as it might have been - had he not written one then I understand that everything would have actually been simpler as his wife and daughter would inherited everyting in a way that is predetermined by law in the UK.

It's even more difficult for Tilda21 as she is likely to have nothing as the law stands at the moment. Personally I feel it is very mean of her partner not to sort things out properly in a will before he dies, and wonder if he has not done this because he doesn't want to have problems with his children when they find out.

I think you may be 'reading' your partners thoughts and feelings incorrectly. Of course, I cannot know. But it seems to me that people are complicated and he may not fully have 'tuned in' to how you are feeling and thinking. If this has become a sore topic between you, it makes it perhaps hard for him to step back and see it properly from your point of view. If you are on balance happier living with him than living without him, I suggest you prioritise finding a way to talk to him openly about this, without it becoming an argument.
Just a chance to speak to each other and listen as deeply as you can to each other - and after listening, instead of disgreeing (if you are inclined to) first feedback what you have understood. For instance "I think the key things you have told me whch matter to you are xyz. Have I got that right?" and the other either says 'yes - you got it!' or maybe modifies it till you really have 'got it'. After listening deeply for understanding of the other, you then do it the other way round. At the end you might find that things have changed significantly.
Deep listening like this can transform a relationship and might well solve this painful issue. If you don't think you can easily have a conversation like this, you might want to look for someone who could help. Maybe a marriage counsellor (though I know you are not married), or a mediator, or a therapist. Where you live and who you live with are very important to your happiness and worth going an extra mile or two to clarify and probably improve your relationship. I wish you well.

Get out while you're still fit, it may even make him realise how callous he's behaving. At least you have a bolt hole.

OldFrill

vintageclassics

Husband & I own two properties (mine in which we both live and his former home) neither of us are on the deeds to the others property but both wills state we each have a lifetime interest in the others property. It's a simple request to ensure if anything happened to either of us the other has the ability to live fairly comfortably for their remaining years - once both of us are no longer here the residual passes to his 4 adult children and my adult child and they would get a house between them or each. If OP can't persuade their partner to draw up similar then that is unreasonable and I'd question why they are with someone so clearly selfish!

I would only think it selfish if they jointly owned the property. Why should she live in his property after his death when she has her own property. Gold digging comes to mind.

I think the comment about gold digging is completely out of line 'Old Frill', you should be ashamed of yourself! This lady has said nothing that indicates she's a gold digger, she is simply trying to ensure that if her partner dies first, she's not forced whilst grieving, to leave not only her home, but the area, where she's made a life, and probably friends too.

To be fair to the OP’s partner my ex husband has a new’ish partner and it does worry me that, if he dies first, she may continue to live in the property for many years when our children would want to sell the property which would help them financially. I won’t co habit with my partner for the same reason. We all acknowledge that our children come first.

agree

Why on earth would you choose to stay with someone who thinks and cares so little of you, your security or your future? It's a no brainer. Quietly squirrel away what you can, make your plan and get the hell away as soon as is feasibly possible!

I would suggest that you make some plans , and these will help you to make decisions . Firstly, go through drawers and spaces and get all your photos that mean a lot to you and collect them together, and any small things like perhaps an ornament that your mum gave you or whatever. Think to yourself , what would you rescue if the house was on fire? It doesnt matter what other people think, you need to know what means a lot to you, and make sure that they dont get left behind. At the worse he or someone else could spoil them and wreck them on purpose or they could be accidently lost, and you would be sorry. Then now is the time to collect up bank statements, documents that show what you own or have paid for, details that you need to have available to you in the future. Decide if there is some furniture that you own and would like to have with you, but you could actually enjoy leaving all the mess behind and just go to your own home. and then you will have no memories to drag you down.

Mentally you will be the one making your own decisions , about your own life. Stop thinking or worrying if anyone else likes or doesnt like , just enjoy sorting your new home and turning it into your own place. You will have the pleasure of walking in and being happy about what you have done. Then when you have your own place in the way you want to live, you can make a decision whether you still keep in touch with this man or just leave him behind. You can only live your own life, and personally , being in charge of my own life and not being beholden to anyone else, is far more important.

Only you can know what matters to you,dont be at the beck and call of this man. Sort out all the paperwork and photocopy things to make sure you have all the details you might need. We will all be here to bolster you up in whatever you decide , and applaud you for making your own choice and not be pushed around by other people. Good luck to you

vintageclassics

Husband & I own two properties (mine in which we both live and his former home) neither of us are on the deeds to the others property but both wills state we each have a lifetime interest in the others property. It's a simple request to ensure if anything happened to either of us the other has the ability to live fairly comfortably for their remaining years - once both of us are no longer here the residual passes to his 4 adult children and my adult child and they would get a house between them or each. If OP can't persuade their partner to draw up similar then that is unreasonable and I'd question why they are with someone so clearly selfish!

I would only think it selfish if they jointly owned the property. Why should she live in his property after his death when she has her own property. Gold digging comes to mind.

I sold my house and moved in with my partner- the relationship lasted 8 years but we bought a house together as tenants in common and then sold it, allowing both of us to move on.

I has the chance to rent out my property though, and sometimes wish I had- I would be much better off now if I had done so- so be glad that at least you still have that option.

I wonder that you didn't think of these issues when you moved in and you haven't said how long you've been there. I know it was hard for me to leave as I had made friends and become part of the community, in a way I have missed since moving away.

You are right to be thinking of these things now though, and I wish you well whatever you decide.

You are in a really good position to escape! Do it!

Move while you are both fit. You can start a new life back in your own home. Leave him to stew in his own juice!

Husband & I own two properties (mine in which we both live and his former home) neither of us are on the deeds to the others property but both wills state we each have a lifetime interest in the others property. It's a simple request to ensure if anything happened to either of us the other has the ability to live fairly comfortably for their remaining years - once both of us are no longer here the residual passes to his 4 adult children and my adult child and they would get a house between them or each. If OP can't persuade their partner to draw up similar then that is unreasonable and I'd question why they are with someone so clearly selfish!

This to me is an issue about understanding, mutual care for each other's wellbeing and the need for good communication. You and your partner recently moved in together, into a property in the South of England ( you are from the north of England?) and you were fully aware he was purchasing it in his sole name. At some stage you also became aware he had no wish to marry and this may or may not be something you were hoping for or expecting. If that is a dashed hope how much will that dashed hope also contribute to any growing resentment? After moving in you asked your partner to consider your circumstances and your expectation to be able to remain living in " his property" if he were to die first ( for a designated period or until your own death?) as you became aware of his intention to leave his estate entirely to his children and had made no provision for you. So far he has neither refused to make such provision but neither has he agreed to make any provision or taken any action as you requested. You admit you are becoming resentful and ask should you stay or go. I would suggest you need a little bit more information to be able to make the best choice. If you care for each other I would suggest asking for a further discussion- along the lines " please can we have a heart to heart discussion so I can fully understand your position, which I respect, and also share my concerns and feelings with you" Hopefully that type of language and approach will focus the communication on your feelings for each other and help you understand the extent of his empathy and care for your well being on his death rather than on property, finance and inheritance. If and how he approaches that discussion and the reason he gives for the choices he makes one way or another will tell you all you need to know surely? Hopefully you both care about ( and love?) each other and prioritise good communication. If not why would you want to stay in a relationship where those things are missing as you both continue to get older?

I'd leave right away. The writings on the wall by the sound of it. He doesn't give a toss. Go, get out of it and start afresh if you can. Don't take chances, when it comes to assets and money after a bereavement, it's pretty cut throat out there.
Best wishes and love to you. Take care of yourself.

Move while you healthy to take advantage of living your live as you want. Being a free live in cleaner and carer for him is probably all he and his children think of you at the moment.

He can always visit you on your terms when you find your new life.