Stay or go

I’ve been with my partner for over 20 years. We did discuss him moving in with me many years ago. I assumed he would sell his house and buy half of mine. I would then lose the allowance I get as part of my divorce settlement. However he said he would rent out his house. Which meant that if it didn’t work out he would move back to his house and I would no longer receive my allowance. This set a few alarm bells ringing and since then I’ve kept our living arrangements separate. Our priorities are making sure our children inherit whatever is left after any future nursing home expenses we might incur in the future.

Nice one, butterandjam

If you decide to make a new start in your own property you will be a very brave woman. It would be good if still have family & friends in that area.

I think I would leave the shared home and take your assets with you, I can forsee major problems.

My father remarried to a lady who had previously divorced twice, she didnt get on with the family, after 5 yrs gradually fell out with father.
She had a house of her own which she rented out but begrudged paying for food out of her own pocket, reasoning that she should be “kept”, she divorced him, alledging all sorts of financial abuse, the judge was not sympathetic, because she had a house plus investments she got no money but kept her car, dad kept the dog.

Aww poor man doesn't want to be tied down. What a jerk

Where would you be happier? Moving back to the North to your home or selling it and buying a place of your own in the same town as your DP? Do you still have family and friends in the North? If not, and if you wish the relationship to continue, I would consider selling it and buying a place where you live now. Win, win. Continue relationship on your terms and with security.

Absolutely agree, get out now plus your belongings.

Sleepy

What were the financial arrangements. Did you pay towards housekeeping and upkeep or were you everything provided free . Did you keep the income from your rental. Really as you have your own home he does not need to provide for you. I would keep your dignity and move back north when the lodger leaves .His kids will kick up a hell of a stink if you are cared for in his house when you have a home already. They would be banking on a good inheritance and making plans ahead of receiving same. I think it is unreasonable to expect support when you are financially independent. The point about him needing care is a good one you could be tied to someone you resent for years and the kids will use you, you will be older and harder to make a new life.

I wouldnt have believed the (adult) children "making plans ahead of receiving" an inheritance - but I have seen it with my own eyes.

I figured out one way or another that my erstwhile brother and his family (wife and two young adult children) had literally already spent a (very) large amount of money that he probably had very little of himself a while before our parents died. I was gobsmacked that he'd leapt in and "started spending" even before it came to it - and I presume he'd taken out a loan (on the assumption he'd be able to pay it back come the time). It was very very presumptuous of him to act like that - but I could see the evidence all pointed in that direction - ie that he'd spent a noticeable amount of money he 99% certainly did not have.

So - yep....there are people out there who will literally spend an inheritance before they even get it. He must have been pretty wild with me (as he made sure he and his wife were "in charge" of dealing with everything) when I made it very loud and clear that, as it became obvious our father had to go into nursing home, I had chosen the very best one I could find there (and probably the very dearest one too....) and was insisting long and hard that that was the one he would be going into - and he wouldnt hear the end of it if he insisted on a cheaper one. I got the one I had chosen and was going grey-haired wondering if they had enough money to cover it - but that was the one I chose and insisted upon. I was not happy about not being given any of the facts to know what was what - even though I asked - as it was scarey having to insist on that when I had no idea if they had enough to cover it.

Erstwhile brother and his erstwhile family got cut off by me after the event when it came to it - and part of the reason was because he'd been bargaining and planning on what he'd get come the time. Whereas I'd been thinking "I'll just wait and see what's what and won't start spending any money unless I've actually got it there in my bank account".

So - yep....there most certainly are at least some potential inheritors out there that do "spend in advance" - as I could see clearly when erstwhile sister-in-law tried to skip a legally mandated stage of the process to deal with things when it came to it - and was obviously not happy when it became clear to her that she was going to do it all properly and legally - even if it took months longer (which it did......) - as I was going to land her straight in it if I saw she had skipped that stage of proceedings (even though it did mean it all took 3 months longer - and I had my "you and your family can go and get lost - I don't wish to see/hear from any of you again" email I'd already drafted to her sitting there in my drafts on computer ready to push the "send" button the second it was all over and I was feeling very frustrated at not being able to send that email until it was all concluded.

Perhaps its because you have a property in the north you could always move into should anything happen to him,it would be unfair that he left his house to you when you already have one and nothing for his children, I agree with your partner, I also wouldn't want his property I'd want his children to have it.

What were the financial arrangements. Did you pay towards housekeeping and upkeep or were you everything provided free . Did you keep the income from your rental. Really as you have your own home he does not need to provide for you. I would keep your dignity and move back north when the lodger leaves .His kids will kick up a hell of a stink if you are cared for in his house when you have a home already. They would be banking on a good inheritance and making plans ahead of receiving same. I think it is unreasonable to expect support when you are financially independent. The point about him needing care is a good one you could be tied to someone you resent for years and the kids will use you, you will be older and harder to make a new life.

I totally agree.

She said they are not married, that is her problem!

He can include a ‘right to reside’ statement in his will which would allow you to live in the house that his children will inherit for as long as you wish to. After you either die, or move out the children would then be able to sell it.

Smileless2012

My advice is to move back into your house Tilda. You can continue with the relationship if you want too, by dividing your time between his house and yours.

To me that sounds like a possible solution.

In fairness - in his position - is he getting half the rent you are receiving from your house? From his pov I'd be thinking "She is only able to get rent on her house because she's living in my house with me" and be expecting to receive 50% of the rent after expenses. If he is receiving that consideration then might he give consideration in return re ownership of his house when he dies?

To me - I would just return to my own home if he dies first and my thoughts would be along the lines of how well (or otherwise) the tenants wishes to stay in my home would coincide with my own wishes to return to my home (eg what notice period would be necessary and whether they would leave at the expiry of the notice period). I would be thinking how much my savings had increased from receiving that 50% (or 100%) of rent from my own house and wondering how best I was going to use that money - leave it there as extra savings or something else.

There's also the thought of how much extra time his inheritors would have to wait to get that inheritance if OP was still living there and whether that inheritance is a need (ie they're in debt and/or not got a forever home house yet themselves) on the one hand or whether it's a wish (ie they're perfectly financially comfortable/in a forever home/no debt/living at a reasonable standard of living and don't have a need for the inheritance to be financially sorted out). It's nice to receive an inheritance at any age obviously - but there does come a stage where it feels like too late to get it, because there has been a huge number of years where one has had money problems not of your own doing (but just because of receiving inadequate income to cover a reasonable standard of living despite having a full-time job/or trying to).

So are his inheritors (ie adult children I imagine?) people you wish to retain a reasonable relationship with? Or are they people who would be visibly upset etc, need the money and think of it as themselves being poor for years longer because their father got "remarried" (aka partnered-up) if they didn't get their inheritance immediately when he dies?

I feel it is necessary to put things from his and his childrens point of view...

win, your seven years, though a long time to you, would seem nothing to adult children.

Smileless2012

My advice is to move back into your house Tilda. You can continue with the relationship if you want too, by dividing your time between his house and yours.

This is what I would probably do if I enjoyed his companionship. However, I would forever resent that he would leave provision for me to stay in his house indefinitely. I obviously has to be written in to his will as otherwise the children will have you out before you can say knife. My partner and I did not live together however we were together for 7 years and I cared for him most of that time the last two years I practically lived there. He left me a lot verbally and in his little book which gave all the instructions, but nothing in his will despite promising me his pension. I never saw a penny, the children made sure of that.

IMPORTANT !! in England - you need evidence that you are a couple and have been so for at least 2 years continuously. You also need evidence that you are and have always been financially dependant on him for all of the time that you have been together. This is the only way you will have ANY claim on ANY PORTION of his assets if he dies before you, UNLESS YOU ARE MARRIED and there are no guarantees (unless you marry). It will have to go to court and then the judge will decide unless the family (HIS) agree a settlement - this is all unbelievably expensive, and the family will very likely fight you (which takes time and costs even more money) to get the house and if you get anything it may be a small pot of money. Marriage is your only security (its only a process and a piece of paper, just you two and a couple of witnesses). Your house will be seen (by the court) as an asset and accommodation (unless derelict) which you can move out to. This will weaken your claim ( if you can afford to make one). If there is not a significant amount of money in his pot then no solicitor will take on your case. Please get your ducks in a row NOW as dealing with this whilst grieving is impossible. Do not worry about how he is now, he possibly doesn't understand all of this and the consequences for you. Please try to get the marriage sorted and make a joint will. Please also be aware if others (his family) come out of the woodwork to claim an inheritance then the current Will will be challenged and possibly overturned but not to your advantage, as you have no say in anything (UNLESS YOU ARE MARRIED), it will just be divided and it will further weaken any claim you may have by taking from the overall "pot". NB: if he dies and you have not married, DO NOT MOVE OUT OR LET ANYONE IN IF YOU ARE MAKING A CLAIM.

As your partner has indicated the property or any interest in the property will not be left to you move out as soon as convenient for you. Whilst not bequething the property many others would give you the right to remain in the property until you die or choose to move out or due to health issues require a care setting. Suspect he feels you have a property of your own so no need to have any interest in his.

I hope you will pause and reflect - this is an important life decision. Leaving may be the best way ahead, or it may not. Earlier I suggested a particular kind of conversation - one we rarely may have, but which can transform things. He has his point of view, as you do. I hope you will be able to talk with him with both of you committed to listening for understanding, not seeing it as a kind of battle, but focused on getting a good outcome for you both. It may not end up as you'd like - but nothing in life is certain and if you try this it may lead to a far happier outcome. I wish you a happy way ahead, whatever you decide.

I think you answered your own question. You feel resentful. If you stay you will end up just getting more resentful. Make plans to move back into your own house when the tenants leave.

Just a thought. Have you made provision in your will if you die first. I don't know if you have children but would he continue to receive the income from your house or would the house go to your children.

Colls

AuntieE

Your partner does not want to marry you, and the house you are both living in is his and will be left to his children when he dies, and he has made no provision at all for you in his will.

So the sensible thing, unless you love him too much to contemplate it, is to move back to your own house as soon as your tenant leaves it.

Even if you do love him, the sensible thing is to move now, as you say, you can still make a new life for yourself. You can, if you want, give him the option of coming with you and renting his house out for a while.

Don't procrastinate!

If you do not move back to your own house now, you will presumably have to rent it out again, and then what happens if your partner suddenly drops dead? You cannot just evict your tenant, but your partner's children can, and probably will, make no bones about asking you to move out, as the intend to sell the house.

Dont wait and see Tilda!
I think Auntie E. is absolutely correct!
And don't forget the tenancy laws are changing - you will be less protected than any tenants in your house in the north!

Tell him straight - give him a plan of action - and if you don't have an appointment with a solicitor TOGETHER by the end of next week, book a removal company! Good Luck!

The change in tenancy laws will nit impact a landlord wanting to move back into their property

I think you need to ask yourself important questions about how you view your relationship with your partner:

Do you love him?
Does he love you?
Do you want to stay with him?
Does he value you?
Do you value him?
Would you miss him if you moved out?
Would he miss you if you moved out?

If the answer to these is no, then really, moving on would be the better option, but if the answer is yes, then you need a frank discussion with him to get things sorted out, outlining your concerns and worries for the future. How he responds could determine how you move forward.

Taking legal advice could be helpful, as I believe long term partners do have rights, especially if you are contributing equally towards all bills, maintenance of the property, insurance, etc. Finding out just what your rights are would be a good starting point, and help you in your decision making process.

AuntieE

Your partner does not want to marry you, and the house you are both living in is his and will be left to his children when he dies, and he has made no provision at all for you in his will.

So the sensible thing, unless you love him too much to contemplate it, is to move back to your own house as soon as your tenant leaves it.

Even if you do love him, the sensible thing is to move now, as you say, you can still make a new life for yourself. You can, if you want, give him the option of coming with you and renting his house out for a while.

Don't procrastinate!

If you do not move back to your own house now, you will presumably have to rent it out again, and then what happens if your partner suddenly drops dead? You cannot just evict your tenant, but your partner's children can, and probably will, make no bones about asking you to move out, as the intend to sell the house.

Dont wait and see Tilda!
I think Auntie E. is absolutely correct!
And don't forget the tenancy laws are changing - you will be less protected than any tenants in your house in the north!

Tell him straight - give him a plan of action - and if you don't have an appointment with a solicitor TOGETHER by the end of next week, book a removal company! Good Luck!