89 year old bed bound mother

My parents, 83 & 85, both well & living at home, recently arranged their Lasting Power of Attorney (LPOA).
In their LPOA they have stated that they both wish to be cared for at home & do not want to go into a Care Home.
I’m a concerned as to how I will manage this, as I’m an only child

I'm with you, Kamj. If my bottom needs wiping in the future, I would prefer it to be by someone calling me " Mrs CLG " rather than mum.

If she's bedridden, this definitely takes specialist care. Unfortunately many people in this position don't recover as muscles atrophy in a very short time.

I made a promise to my mum I'd never put her in a care home, I couldn't do it.. But I've told my children to send me to one, (they're at the stage of saying 'no way' but we'll see what the future brings)

Many social hospital staff are expert at making us feel guilty, it saves them mountains of work and barrow loads of money.
I allowed myself to be guilt tripped into having my MIL to stay, and the decision almost split the family.
Eventually I had to insist she go into a 'home' where she got much better care and I could put what little energy I had left into repairing my marriage. Unfortunately dementia turns some people into nasty vindictive bullies and family members cannot be expected to cope with the fall-out.
Please don't feel guilty.

Some years ago my MIL went in to a care home. She was in her late 70s and had had a stroke and was suffering from cancer. She didn’t have dementia but was vague and limited in her understanding of events. No one in the family could look after her. We all had jobs and small children and she couldn’t be safely left alone for more than a short time.
She adapted very well to the care home. They did all they could to meet her needs and wishes. For example asking the priest to visit regularly and dealing with her dietary issues. She was visited everyday by relatives or friends and those visits were a pleasure for us. Someone else had provided her food and helped her wash and dress. We had all the good time such as taking her out. She came to my house every Sunday for example until she became too unwell for that. I know we did the best for her although others didn’t necessarily agree.

We can’t help feeling guilty but please put yourself and your health and sanity first. You can’t pour from an empty jug and if your mum is in a care home you can enjoy happy visits instead of being buried beneath paperwork and guilt.
Currently in a similar situation; 96 year old dad admitted to hospital a couple of days ago with suspected DVT. No DVT discovered but he has advanced heart failure so they’re keeping him in. He lives on his own (his choice not mine) and I’m pretty sure that won’t be possible any more.

You have done all you can. There comes a time when you do not have the skills to cope with the changes. Dementia care is a specialist job. While she still knows who you are, you can visit, get support for your new role, and perhaps provide all the little extras that care homes do not. If you feel up to it, you can offer help there, and keep an eye on her care without the worry of the work.
You say she is bedridden, but she may well get physio to get her moving a bit

doxford As others have said, no guilt necessary. Visit and enjoy the time that you have left with her. You are entitled to a life as well. You've clearly been a good daughter. After visits, leaving the home will be hard, but you do get used to it. Sending a hug

I completely agree with shelflife. You can visit everyday, or whenever you want to. No guilt please. You have to look after your own health first and it's obvious that she needs professional help and you need your sanity and sanctity to be at home without constantly needing to nurse your mother. She would surely want that for you.

Have not been through this myself but wanted to offer my best wishes to you. A dreadful situation and I can understand your feelings of guilt BUT you have done so well up to now caring for your mum and have obviously thought long and hard about this before making this decision. Stick with your decision and don't be distracted by anything the hospital or social services say to try to dissuade you. You have your own life to lead and you deserve to be able to do this. You are not abandoning your mum you are going to find a suitable place for her to live and you will still be able to visit her and make a fuss of her and be her daughter instead of just her carer. Best wishes.

My mum, 97 is coming to live with us. She doesn’t want to but she lives too far away from any of us so she has to .
She is quite frail but totally with it.
She has always had a horror of going into a home and has, over the years, tried to make us all promise not to put her in one.
We (sisters and Myself) would never promise because you never know how things will pan out. I will do my best but if it becomes too much then I’m afraid a home may have to be the answer.
One can only do so much.

I can totally relate to your situation. We had to do the same with my mother 3 years ago and although we felt really guilty, it was better for her in the long run.
Please make sure that you take good advice when dealing with the hospital. If you are on Facebook, join the Continuing HealthCare (CHC) group which is run by people who are very knowledgeable about what you should do in such circumstances. Also look at the Care To Be Different Website to see if your mother is entitled to Continuing Healthcare funding. Hospitals rarely tell you about this funding.

Don't feel guilty if you have done your best for your mother . Care should be given with love not obligation. It can easily become resentment My mother looked after 3 of my grandparents and then tried to make me feel guilty for not looking after her, even though I was running a business 7 days a week. She had no concept of time and money being applicable. She took the commandment Honour thy father and mother very seriously, but forgot the 6 days for work and one day of rest We all need a day off. I think you have eared yours

doxford I agree with what has been said here, especially justwokeup. Do not agree to take her home "temporarily* because you would end up exhausted, resentful and caring for her 24/7

You are also entitled to a life, and forget about you saving Social Services money. It is their job to find her a home and not your house.

We are programmed to feel guilty aren’t we? And to always think that we could/should be able to do better - that putting a parent ‘in a home’ is a terrible thing to do. But we are human, not superhuman and need to keep telling ourselves that we can only do our best. That sometimes means being able to let go, and have others take over. Because that’s the best thing we can do. But that doesn’t make it easy.

Another care success story for you - my MiL had a very good final 7 years, with worsening dementia, in an excellent care home. The 2/3 years prior to that - struggling on at home with carers etc - were miserable on reflection. And I have friends who have had the same experience.

Chin up Doxford - take heart from those here who have walked that path before you and know you are doing the right thing.

There is nothing wrong in admitting that your mother needs more care than you can provide and no need to feel guilty either. You have done your best but your mother needs medical treatment and care more easily available elsewhere. I hope you find somewhere suitable nearby where your mother will be happy.

I echo the comments here. My experience and that of friends is that the point comes where outside help is needed. The hospital social worker involved with my parents was excellent.
Please don’t be put off by the post from Carriad.

Erica23

I second everything justwokeup said, especially about social services they’ll do everything they can to save money. They tried to put my mum into an assisted living complex when I knew full well it wasn’t suitable, turns out it was to save money as it’s a different budget for the care home.
They also made me feel terrible for not wanting mum at home. They suggested all sorts of ways I could manage working, looking after my DGC DH and my home without a care about what it was doing to me.
Stick to your guns you’ve made the right decision for everyone. Good luck

This!!

Years before it came to it I was fortunate enough to have someone as a work colleague in my office that told me how Social Services operate in circumstances like this (because she used to work for them). She asked me what siblings I had - ie a brother.

She then said "It's the woman they go for. They always go for them - and not the men if they can. They don't care about you. They only care to try and save themselves money and so they put pressure on the female "children". Don't do it if it comes to it". I was very fortunate that she'd said that to me years in advance and I took account of that.

So - years later and it did come to it and my erstwhile brother and his wife and two adult children just tried to shuck things off on solitary me. They were managing the finances and so I told them "Mother is refusing to take back Father and the hospital is refusing to keep him any longer (ie it was just after the start of Lockdown). You have to admit mother has got dementia now". So I chose the very best carehome I could for father and insisted that was the one he was having and told them I wanted the very best carer firm there was and that was what I wanted for mother.

Social Services still tried applying pressure on solitary me - but not, as far as I could see on any of the 4 adults in my brothers household. My erstwhile brothers household still lived/live in England (a couple of hours drive away) and I lived/live in Wales now (5 hours drive away and I can't drive anyway). Despite those circumstances - they still put pressure on me. I had to be VERY firm verbally back that I lived in the "back of beyond/poor public transport - and there are 4 adults in my brothers household and only me in mine".

So - yep.....be very very aware of the pressures they are likely to put on and it's not for your parents benefit or your benefit. It's to save on their budget and time.

Good luck! Take care.

I'm afraid that guilt is the price we pay for having had a good relationship with a parent.
My dad died 8 years ago and I still feel guilty for not having done more for him - despite knowing that if I had done I would have had a physical and mental breakdown.
Not long before he died Dad commented that he felt bad for having put his own father in a home - and that happened 40 years ago!

Only people who have provided 24/7 bedbound home care for terminal illness, can undestand the level of stress and exhaustion you are under.

And. I'm sorry to say this, IME it's going to get harder and worse.
You are doing completely the right thing for your mother, best to arrange the level of residential staff care she will soon need, before her worsening condition and care needs break you.

You may find that she too is feeling guilt (for you) and fear ( when it gets harder) and would find some relief from both, of being in residential care.

Oh gosh, please don’t feel guilty. I was in a very similar situation with my Mum. People really underestimate how difficult it is to care for people with such difficult needs. Even with the help of carers (unreliable, very short visits, uncaring) it was unsustainable. With the support of social services we were lucky enough to find a lovely nursing home. The pressure went off and I got to visit Mum almost every day and enjoy being with her.
If you haven’t already done so get a POA in place which will make dealing with her affairs much easier.
I wish you and your mother well.

Duxford, I have been in your situation. My lovely Mum lived with us for over 3years. I had no intention of placing her in a card home, but .................
Dementia set in , she was then hospitalised and to my horror I realised I was not looking forward to her coming home. I finally acknowledged that I was very very tired physically and emotionally. We found a nursing home.
Remember if your Mum goes into care you have not given up your carers role, you will still be overseeing her care, the bonus being , you can visit whenever you like and leave whenever you like . If Mum was ok I would stay and share cake and tea with her or take her out in her wheelchair to a local cafe . If she was grumpy and unable to respond in a positive way I had the freedom to return home and recharge before my next visit.
Try not feel guilty! Guilty serves no purpose other than to make you feel bad. One last thing if you are not happy with the care your Mum receives - move her, we did. Also bear in mind that even though she may have dementia there may well be an element of truth in what she tells you so never completely dismiss what she says.
I wish you both well , good luck. 🌼💐

doxford, a care home has staff which rotate, so your mother can have twenty four hour care from people who have had time off, sufficient sleep, and training in care. You cannot offer these things.
Please take pride that you have done so well for so long, and seek help in finding somewhere safe for your mother, where you can visit and give her your best time and attention when you are not worn out. Good luck.

Yes. You have done, without a doubt, the best thing for her and you. She has got to the stage of needing professional nursing care. Unless, you want to kill yourself literally in the process, she must go into a care home. You have done all you can for her in the home situation. It will only get worse and more intense. Use this opportunity to put your health and life first. No one will thank you for being the 'good' one. Do you have siblings? Even if you do, your mother is under your care and you MUST think of your self first. When she is in a care home, you may possibly have to forfeit inheritance, you can visit her as a daughter knowing she has the best professional nursing care she can have and she is in the right place. The situation just gets worse and when the final time comes, you will be soooooooooo exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally, that you won't be able to meet the end of her life as you and she would wish and also you will live with the legacy of the caring for the rest of your life. It is not something you come back from. I did it for ten years for both my parents and, in the end, the social worker said to me they have to go into a care home or you will kill yourself. Inheritance and martyrdom are worth nothing when you can't even be aware of the rest of your own life. Sorry to be so blunt but it is still taking me to recover and my parents died ten years ago. No day goes by without me feeling high anxiety, being aware of every 'care' situation. Please, for yourself and your family. You can all go and visit her regularly and be a family together. All the best.