89 year old bed bound mother

Only just noticed this thread . You have to make the right decision for you and your husband. There are nursing homes that care for dementia and Alzheimer's patients if you can get your mom in one of those that would be best.

I had my mom live with me last 18 months of her life she had cancer and dementia. Dementia killed my mom 4 months before her body died . Some people who have no understanding or cared for anyone with dementia or Alzheimer's say the violence is abuse . But it's NOT it's fear . My mom would wake up not knowing who she was ,where or who I was she thought I was here mom . Even though she would never have attacked her mom .

We all have the fight or flight reaction dementia and Alzheimer's patients fight . First time mom bite me I was so shocked I shouted at her why . She said what mom . Everything time mom when to sleep and woke I didn't know what she would be like . This is going to sound wicked but every night I hoped she had died in her sleep. My mom would have hated what she became . When mom attack I always tried to get the duvet round her to hold her gently as I didn't want to hurt her.

I couldn't put mom in a home as I knew I could look after better myself and anyway I would have visited her and spent the day in the home with her. Dementia took everything away from my mom expect she always knew when she needed the commode . Mom never wet or soiled herself.

Mom's greatest fear was wetting the bed so when she came to live with me she insisted on a towel under the sheet and wearing a pad but it was just a thick tena lady .

When mom became bed bound had pressure mattress and blow up bootees . I still had the bed bar from the children were young so put it on the bed when she first moved in .I padded it with pillows so she wouldn't hurt herself.

It was my choice to look after mom on my own no carers as I knew even though I was born disabled and other health problems I could look after her better than strangers.

Mom's lucid moments I treasure but it took me a year after she died nit to think of mom without the violence. But I am proud my mom never had a sore on her body . If I saw the skin was getting thin I covered it with a dry pad of dressing .

If I had known what mom would have become I would still have looked after her . But I paid a heavy price healthwise . Everyone has to make the best choice for themselves and their loved one . We are all different and whatever choice you make is the right one .

If my mom realised what she would become she would have hated it and not wanted to live .

I hope you found a good home for your mom . Always remember you had to make the right choice for you and your husband. You had to put yourselves first . It's takes a lot of courage to say you can't look after someone.

Like I said I paid healthwise but I had already looked after my husband,dad and mother in law until they died when mom came to live with me .

But I know if I ever start getting dementia or Alzheimer's there is no way I will let my daughter look after me and made my decision what to do .

Mel1967 - see my post re POA quoting you.

Mel1967

My parents, 83 & 85, both well & living at home, recently arranged their Lasting Power of Attorney (LPOA).
In their LPOA they have stated that they both wish to be cared for at home & do not want to go into a Care Home.
I’m a concerned as to how I will manage this, as I’m an only child

Mel967
Your parents will.need carers coming to them at home. I have friend in this situation. Her brother is also elderly. He has POA lives a 2 hour drive away and visits a few times a year. The carers contact him if it's something they and friend can't sort out. Doesn't happen very often.

Especially when dementia is involved, there will so often come a point where 24/7 care is needed - someone on hand ALL day, ALL night, 365 days a year. And this is usually impossible to provide in any normal domestic setting.

I did it for nearly a year with my FiL, and am not in the least ashamed to say that when it came to my mother, a couple of years later, there was absolutely no way I was putting myself through such stress and exhaustion again.

No prizes for guessing how my user name came about!

Heya, I have COPD too. I started a facebook group called COPDLIFE UK CHAT which you can join and not feel so alone. It’s only a small private facebook group but we all either have COPD or we care for or about someone who has COPD. Why not join us?
www.facebook.com/groups/401852520504994/?ref=share_group_link

I wouldn’t tell them it’s priced at under the going rate. They will calculate it as sold at the market price if funding is needed, as a deprivation of assets.

That said, priced to sell seems reasonable and like butter and jam says whatever money it raises will be spent on care anyway.

The OPs mum has multiple medical needs. She will have to stay in hospital where those needs can be met until a care home with similar facilities and expertise can be found. Personally I wouldn’t feel comfortable about a rota of home care assistants who didn’t have that level of expertise.

butterandjam

doxford

Thank you ladies your kind words and your advice have been a great help, so kind, mum still in hospital who desperately want to discharge her to a nursing home but because she has a property which is unsold finding a nursing home who will take her is proving to be difficult and Hampshire adult social services won’t put her on the 12 weeks disregard scheme quoting “ we hold the purse strings of public money and are responsible for spending it wisely “ oh my word I nearly hit the roof you really couldn’t write it all l am looking for is accommodation for her now, which will be paid for when her house is sold l really feel l will have to take her back the situation is dreadful and I am sure l can’t be the only one in this situation

The priority is getting your Mum a care placement.

I would consider drastically reducing the price so that it sells quicker, to get her into care faster.

The sale price is going to end up paying for her care anyway; until it's spent down to the level at which she qualifies for council funding. In effect, a reduced price for the house just means she qualifies sooner.

www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/paying-for-care/paying-for-a-care-home/

That does sound very logical approach to me.

With that - you could provide absolute proof you are doing the best you can on this (ie show them the proof of what equivalent houses are priced at and then go "Look - you can see it's priced at 90% of the going rate price for that sort of house").

As stated - they are going to be grabbing for the money tied-up in the house anyway and so it will be, in effect, their loss.

That's explained something to me - as I did wonder why I occasionally see houses priced at less than their true value as far as I can see. One near me was sold recently for what I would say was about £50,000 less than its true value. Difficult to tell - as it went in the "unofficial under the counter" sort of sale that some houses in this area get sold by - so was never up there on RightMove on the open market.

Doxford, if you like I can ask my daughter in law what the total costs are.
Have you tried reducing the price of your mother's house? I would have thought a vacant possession house would sell okay at a reasonable price.

PS my daughter in law feels not the least bit guilty.

ideal

My clever daughter in law has a mother like that, bedbound early dementia, obese. My daughter in law engaged, instructed, and oversees a continuous service of local women who come to the old lady's bungalow , which is near the younger woman's home. She has a P of A.
It is idea and the old lady can still keep her little dog.

Grandma70s so pleased you say you are happy.
I hope to be able to do the same (and also be happy) in due course.

I am on the other side of this. I am 85, and live in - not exactly a care home, but a retirement flat with optional care. My son found this place for me when I had been in hospital and it was obvious I could not go back to my large-ish house with a big garden. I am happy here. I would feel terribly guilty if my offspring had to look after me.

doxford

Thank you ladies your kind words and your advice have been a great help, so kind, mum still in hospital who desperately want to discharge her to a nursing home but because she has a property which is unsold finding a nursing home who will take her is proving to be difficult and Hampshire adult social services won’t put her on the 12 weeks disregard scheme quoting “ we hold the purse strings of public money and are responsible for spending it wisely “ oh my word I nearly hit the roof you really couldn’t write it all l am looking for is accommodation for her now, which will be paid for when her house is sold l really feel l will have to take her back the situation is dreadful and I am sure l can’t be the only one in this situation

I’m not in Hampshire, but most funded discharge schemes are to enable people to be discharged from hospital to receive a period of recuperation or rehabilitation, either at home or in a care home. Your mother is not in that category by the sounds of it, she needs long term care, not rehabilitation. Social Services cannot insist that she returns to your care, but they can move her without your agreement to a care home which can meet her needs, to free up the hospital bed, which would be paid for from the sale of her house ultimately. That is a last resort for them, which is why they are pressing you to choose a care home quickly. You haven’t mentioned whether you have attended a Best Interests meeting to discuss the position regarding the discharge, and if you haven’t, I would ask the social worker to arrange one, so that you can put forward your perspective, and the social workers can help broker a payment deal with the care home of your choice pending the house sale.

She probably needs a nursing home. IME of one such home the physical care was excellent and my mother's condition improved as a result. Just hold onto the fact that several carers will be able to provide better care than you as one person.
Also tell the SW you want a continuing healthcare assessment to find out if NHS will fund it. Even if they do not it may be that she is entitled to a contribution for nursing.

Can you or your mother afford to pay for a nursing home? Otherwise the social worker might decide she can come back to you with carers coming in. Our local authority will only pay for a nursing home if you have dementia. Do not feel guilty about your decision. You have done everything possible for your mother but you also have to look after you and your husband.

doxford

Thank you ladies your kind words and your advice have been a great help, so kind, mum still in hospital who desperately want to discharge her to a nursing home but because she has a property which is unsold finding a nursing home who will take her is proving to be difficult and Hampshire adult social services won’t put her on the 12 weeks disregard scheme quoting “ we hold the purse strings of public money and are responsible for spending it wisely “ oh my word I nearly hit the roof you really couldn’t write it all l am looking for is accommodation for her now, which will be paid for when her house is sold l really feel l will have to take her back the situation is dreadful and I am sure l can’t be the only one in this situation

The priority is getting your Mum a care placement.

I would consider drastically reducing the price so that it sells quicker, to get her into care faster.

The sale price is going to end up paying for her care anyway; until it's spent down to the level at which she qualifies for council funding. In effect, a reduced price for the house just means she qualifies sooner.

www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/paying-for-care/paying-for-a-care-home/

It s a problem for social services and the hospital to work out.

The situation has not changed. Your mum is too ill in multiple respects for you to be able to meet her needs.

Please keep saying that. I cannot meet her needs. It is the truth.

You wouldn’t let her be sent to accommodation that was clearly unsuitable, and your home and the care you can give is no longer suitable either. She cannot come back to you.

Stand fast for both of you. 💐

Thank you ladies your kind words and your advice have been a great help, so kind, mum still in hospital who desperately want to discharge her to a nursing home but because she has a property which is unsold finding a nursing home who will take her is proving to be difficult and Hampshire adult social services won’t put her on the 12 weeks disregard scheme quoting “ we hold the purse strings of public money and are responsible for spending it wisely “ oh my word I nearly hit the roof you really couldn’t write it all l am looking for is accommodation for her now, which will be paid for when her house is sold l really feel l will have to take her back the situation is dreadful and I am sure l can’t be the only one in this situation

Mel1967

welbeck

Mel1967
Do they funds to pay care workers ?

Yes, but they don’t want them

Mel1967 my Mum had Alzheimer's and Dad was looking after her at home, doing everything himself.
Mum had a fall and ended up in hospital.
The hospital staff refused to discharge her until she agreed to have carers to help Dad, ie do her personal care.

Mum refused to agree, Dad went along with her even though he'd been on his knees with exhaustion before her weeks in hospital.

The social worker told me that as I had power of attorney, I could overrule them.
Faced with being kept in hospital unnecessarily, Mum agreed.

Doxford: I hope the hospital staff are listening to you and being helpful.

Mel1967

welbeck

Mel1967
Do they funds to pay care workers ?

Yes, but they don’t want them

Mel, this is not reasonable by any stretch of the imagination. I hope you can find a way to tell your parents that you will certainly need help should it be necessary. Otherwise they are expecting you to be at work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

welbeck

Mel1967
Do they funds to pay care workers ?

Yes, but they don’t want them

When someone needs help/care both day and night, day after day after day, night after night, it I’ll soon become exhausting for the carer, so a care home will eventually be needed.

Please don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for feeling that the time has come. Those people who like to tell you oh so piously that they’d never put a parent in a care home, have hardly ever known the stress and exhaustion full time carers so often experience.

Mel1967
Do they funds to pay care workers ?