Husband passing and dealing with his children

Andromeda

Maggiemaybe

No.

I’m sorry for your loss, 2Understand.

Your stepchildren are not your responsibility and their behaviour to you over the last 26 years has shown that they do not deserve your generosity. You need to put yourself first now.

Absolutely

Yes..

Maggiemaybe

No.

I’m sorry for your loss, 2Understand.

Your stepchildren are not your responsibility and their behaviour to you over the last 26 years has shown that they do not deserve your generosity. You need to put yourself first now.

Absolutely

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. But the answer is no, I wouldn't go to that expense. It sounds highly unlikely that you will ever see these step children again, or ever want to. What's the position with your home and inheritance? Will that be an issue in future years?

I am sorry for your loss and it is still very early days.
Your late DH's family will also be grieving, so be careful to try to be calm and considered when dealing with the funeral arrangements.
You need all the support you can get at that time so try to remember how DH would have wanted you to deal with things.

I am in the UK so I don't understand why the funeral is so far away, but paying for everyone's accommodation seems extreme and you could favour one person over another.

I'm presuming it was DH's wish to have the funeral so far away from everyone, and maybe he had his reasons for this but he seems to have left you in a difficult situation.

I think the family interactions will be sensitive and open to causing long term rifts that may be a regret later.

I do hope the arrangements go smoothly whatever decisions you make, and that you can get on with grieving and taking care of yourself.

I’m with the majority.
I have been in your shoes, 2Understand, and whilst relationships were cordial we were not close. I did not pay or offer to pay or arrange anything extra specifically for my adult stepchildren, nor did they expect it. Maybe it helped that his will stated that his car should be sold asap and the proceeds split between his children, so they at least had that money to cover travel expenses.

I’m in the minority here. You say you think your husband would have paid for their stay and if that’s the case you would be respecting his wishes in doing so. If you can afford to do it of course.

It’s hard to comment further without knowing more about the funeral arrangements. I’m not sure what the extensive family meal you mention is for instance but I certainly wouldn’t put myself in the situation of a family meal where the only other attendees are people who dislike you. Being civil to them at a wider ‘wake’ gathering after the funeral is another matter entirely.

So yes, if you can bear it, do what your husband would have wished. If it goes pear shaped you’ll know that you’ve done everything you could possibly have done to honour their father’s passing.

I would show them the same attitude as any other person coming to the funeral, so perhaps tea and sandwiches cakes, kind of thing that you would serve to anyone. That way you are not specifically ignoring them, but nor are you letting them be the focus of attention at such a time. Can I suggest that you try and think of some of the places that were very special to you and your husband. They could be just a local walk, or a day trip to the sea or to a garden or wood that you loved together. That you use these to give you some peace and lovely rememberance of your time together, and plan after the funeral is over to visit one or perhaps more of these special places yourself, or perhaps with a trusted friend? I found this helpful when my husband died and it gave my mind somewhere else to go at times when things felt so difficult and sad. Then if any of them are behaving in a disrespectful way towards you,you will have the memories to hold on to to know that whatever they think matters little. You and your husband had a loving marriage and although you feel so sad missing him, you will be able to use these places to remind you of what counts. So you know that together you were right, and whatever they do or say cannot take away from the joy you gave each other. I still go now to specific special places that have meaning for me, when life is hard, or there is some upset I am trying to deal with and I am always calmer for visiting them, and often there have ideas of what he would have suggested that I do, and get comfort from them. I send you my condolences and wishes for some peace and calm now.

First of all please accept my condolences.

I agree with the other gransnetters .
It's the tradition to pay for the funeral and then the wake and that's it .

I have asked people if there is a particular item of sentimental value which they would like from the house and they have taken clocks and some ornaments with permission and with everyone's approval -but as his children are so disrespectful and unacceptable of you -I wouldn't bother .

Usually rejection of a new partner is caused by children not wanting to share wealth.
And this is cloaked by some other objection .
I certainly wouldn't pay for fares ,food or hotel bills for his ungrateful children .

Please make sure that you are surrounded by your own support network of friends at the funeral and wake especially if alcohol is served and insults ensue .
Take care of yourself.

Am so sorry for your loss, look after your own well-being right now, am hoping you have someone there to comfort you. 🌹
Let your step children and their families decide how they will manage their stay for the funeral, and just arrange a low key meal or get together with refreshments after the funeral.
Your husband might have wanted to splash out etc., but they were his children and never really accepted you. So you do you.
Take care
Xx

I am just wondering, as you are American and we are English, whether their may be a cultural mismatch in our replies.

In the UK when someone dies, there is a funeral and usually refreshments afterwards, and that is it. perhaps immediate family will be going back to a family home informally, but otherwise everyone pays their own expenses.

I am just wondering whether in the USA, where more people are widely spread over long distances, it is more common for the immediate family of the departed to pay for hotel and meal costs.

I must say, given how your DH's first family have treated you, I wouldn't spend a penny more than absolutely necessary on them.

I agree with the rest, it’s a no from me too. As foxie says sandwiches and tea/ coffee are usually provided after the service , but meals out and hotels. No.
I am sorry for your loss.

Sincere condolences for your loss 2Understand, like everyone else whose responded; no.

Refreshments for after the service is all you'll need to provide.

2Understand I hope you have some support around you , it's a very sad time for you. In the UK we don't pay for anyone to attend a funeral, we just provide refreshments after the event and give people a time to share their grief. I do hope you will have people who care for you around at that time. Let your step children grieve in their own way and focus on your own grief.

OP, you could consider keeping something up your sleeve for later…
Possibly if appropriate, a family meal and gathering on your DH birthday, or another later anniversary next year - and if their behaviour has been helpful, kind and supportive in the interim, at that time you might choose to do something then?
It takes the pressure off now.

I'm sorry for your loss, so much harder when it's sudden.

The tradition is for the widowed partner to pay for the refreshments after the funeral service, to which all attendees are invited ( usually by the person conducting the service.)
Sandwiches and coffee are fine.

Pay for hotel and dinner for those rude ungracious brats ? absolutely not. They pay for their own hotel and all meals at it.

In your shoes, I would not be having dinner with them.

Keep your distance, and reserved dignity. It will stand you in good stead in the settling your husbands affairs and estate. I regret that during that process, you will almost certainly be subjected to further insults and unkindness from his children .

So sorry for your loss.
I'm in the majority here.. No way ...they can sort it out themselves. They are being selfish and cruel.

You were a couple for 26 years that's a significant time. You hold all the cards and they know it. Be kind to yourself and try not fret about them.

Very sorry 2Understand - not just for your loss but the years of hostility. These family things are complicated and you are part of an older story and maybe conflicting loyalties to 1st wife....it is likely not personal.
Seems that whether you pay or not, you aren't likely to build a relationship with them now. So do what you need to do to reduce the strain you feel about the funeral. If that is to pay, then do it. If it feels wrong, unfair and stressful, then don't. Once a loved one has passed away they really don't make the choices. So please do whatever you feel is right for your own well bring x

No do not pay for their hotel stay etc.. you have enough expense with the funeral. Make sure your stepchildren are kept aware of all arrangments and perhaps ask one to say a few words. Keep it polite and controlled, you are not invisible or to be ignored-- your husband chose to marry you and they have been rude and disrespecful to his wife ! Try and keep close supportive frìends around you, especially at the funeral.bless you.

Another no from me.

No.

I’m sorry for your loss, 2Understand.

Your stepchildren are not your responsibility and their behaviour to you over the last 26 years has shown that they do not deserve your generosity. You need to put yourself first now.

If you paid for the dinner for everyone it sounds like you would just sit there while they ignored you.
Be kind to yourself and don't do it.
They can organise something by themselves if they want to, likewise a hotel room.

Sorry for your loss xx

Sorry for your loss. As Doodledog and Cadenza123 have said, there’s no obligation for you to pay for hotel or dinner.
In fact by doing this I think you’d put yourself in a vulnerable position which could be very upsetting.
Look after yourself.

So sorry for your loss. No, there's absolutely no reason that you should or need to offer to pay for anything. Just do what you need to do, there's certainly lots of things that need to be sorted at this difficult time. Worrying about your stepchildren isn't one of them.

No. I don't see any reason why you should. I would inform them all, invite them to the funeral itself, and maybe refreshments afterwards, but not a family dinner or a hotel stay. If they wish to toast their father after the funeral, they can sort it out themselves.

I'm sorry for your loss, and don't think you need any more stress at such a sad time.