What advice can you lovely ladies and gents give me?
My neighbour and I are both mid seventies and live alone. We have been neighbours for years, but not really friends. We have very different personalities.
When my neighbour was diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer she needed chemo and a major op. When the cancer came back a year later she had a second major op, leaving her with a stoma and many other difficulties. She had a really hard time and I genuinely sympathise. We weren’t close before all this, certainly not on visiting terms, but I supported her by cat sitting and tending her garden while she was in hospital, then caring for her when she first came home, helping with housework, meals, shopping, hosp appointments, getting prescriptions, etc.
A year on and she is much improved but still not back to where she was 5 years ago. However, she is certainly not housebound, can do most of her housework, keep her garden tidy and so on. She comes into my house about twice a week and, mean as this makes me sound, leaves me feeling really down, and used. She is upset because I can no longer take her to her hospital check ups (at the Christie in Manchester). I am not being awkward; I no longer drive. She asked me to do her heavier housework, but I said no. She does have a daughter who lives 30mins away but seldom visits and I have my own health issues and get tired very easily. I suggested she get a cleaner (she gets attendance allowance) and that didn’t go down well. My biggest bugbear is that she comes to my house and simply moans constantly. I understand she needs to unburden herself, but she totally drains me. Recently I damaged my Achilles tendon and have had pain and trouble walking. I mentioned this to explain why I wasn’t going out much. She didn’t even comment. Nor, next time she came round, did she ask how I was.
She is not the sort of person who takes criticism well. Anything that goes wrong is always someone else’s fault and I hate confrontation. I am at a loss how to deal with this. Sorry, I know this is a rant but how do I extricate myself without falling out with her?
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AIBU
Needy neighbour who doesn’t seem to want to help herself.
(22 Posts)It’s very difficult as many people are only concerned about themselves. You really need to drop into the conversation how tired you get these days in the hope that she might get bored with you. When she mentions an ache or pain try saying that you get something like that as well. I know how you feel because I’m a soft touch too.
I think you should have an urgent appointment somewhere (anywhere) next time she turns up.
She sounds quite over bearing and sees you as a soft touch. I'm afraid if you don't stop now it will be a life-long task.
I would say you are unable to do anything because of your tendon and low bloods. You need complete rest and could she please not knock as you're sleeping during the day. You could also present her with a shopping list and ask her to do the washing up.
When she rings the bell/knocks on the door. Ignore it.
If she says anything tell her your hearing is failing, If she does come round, keep asking to repeat herself because your hearing is not good and then missubderstan what she says.
But mainly, duck out of sight when you see her coming and do not answer the bell/knock.
Maybe sit down & have an honest talk with her.
Not easy.
But always best to be honest
It sounds like your helpfulness has backfired on you and she now considers you much closer than you actually are!
Could you put up with her once a week? If so, then tell her you'll see her next Wednesday or whatever day you decide. Be firm. If she turns up outwith that day, be firm and tell her you have plans and you'll see her on Wednesday. And close the door.
You don't have to open the door to her, although I know how difficult that can be!
This is why I keep neighbours at a healthy distance. Most of them you do one favour and then you get lumbered with allsorts. I had quite a demanding neighbour and quite frankly I'd had enough and told her so, she then moved. I don't get involved with neighbours. Too many p!$$ takers nowadays.
Can you contact the daughter and tell her that her mother needs more support and prob a cleaner, and that you no longer drive and have mobility problems? Are there others in the road who could provide listening ears?
I'm in favour of being honest with her - and not make excuses (which she may - or may not - interpret correctly).
She was lucky you helped as you did back along.
Maybe the suggestion of "once a week" might be a basis to work on - and take your 50% of the conversation (if it's not "given" by her so to say). See if that works. If it doesn't - then I guess that would be the time to clearly/honestly say "I'm sorry - but I do not regard x/y/z you are expecting from me as something I can keep doing. I need time and energy for my housework/my social life etc and I don't feel this is being a 50/50 equal give and take relationship". She may (or may not) apologise at that point and say "I didn't realise you see it that way"...and my suspicion is that she won't.
A lot of people are all about themselves - and I expect she's one of them from what you say.
CariadAgain
I'm in favour of being honest with her - and not make excuses (which she may - or may not - interpret correctly).
I wholeheartedly agree.
The problem with making excuses is that they can sometimes backfire on you, you also have to retain them in your memory... and often invent new ones.
I think Flippinheck you might have to bite the bullet and tell her as diplomatically/civilly as possible that your own 'life' and health issues are such that she can no longer rely on you for the help she needs. And be prepared to 'fall out' with her. From your description, she appears to be entirely self-centred and unreasonable, so there's no easy way out of this.
She is in receipt of Attendance Allowance, and she has a daughter - the Allowance is for the very purpose of buying-in help - what is she doing with it... stashing it away whilst leaning on others? She is her daughter's responsibility, not yours.
I don't mean to sound harsh; stage 4 bowel cancer is horrible - I've had Stage 3a - also twice - with chemo, and it has taken its toll - but I think your neighbour needs structured and regular help with daily life. You have been a good neighbour / 'friend'; you've done your bit, it's time for the daughter to step up and organise something now.
Thank you, all of you, for your support and suggestions. I think one of my issues is that I can’t make excuses which feel is dishonest, so I know, deep down, that I need to bite the bullet. I probably just needed someone to tell me that. I will see how that goes.
We had a needy neighbour, she did nothing to help herself.
It was infuriating.
We moved, not because of her but the relief is immense.
Buy a flowery card, and write her a little note.
"dear susan, How strange it is that nature weaves a pattern to provide for our needs. Once it was my turn to support you and now you are strong again. Now I am the one in need, seeking support from old friends. I need to make a list of job for my helpers, and would be so grateful if you can offer some of the following once a week:
Shopping at supermarket
Putting my bins out
Help with changing bed
(whatever else you can invent)
Can you let me know please?
........................................................................................
I don't think you'll hear from her again.
You have stood up to her twice, with regard to lifts to hospital and in refusing to do heavier housework (what a cheek!) and I think the suggestion of using the attendance allowance for a cleaner was sensible; that is what it is for.
A good idea to contact the daughter, although you may find out there are reasons why she doesn't come frequently (?).
Suggest she contacts the hospital about transport.
But the weekly moans; difficult.
Can you simply not answer the door and say you are instructed to have periods of total rest next time she comes.
Does she ever invite you round ?
Please do note the bullet just tell her that your own health issues and well-being mean you can’t help her anymore and suggest she rings her daughter who should arrange help for her mother if she can’t do it herself.
Am afraid you have been taken for granted.
I have lived in the same street for ten years. Husband & wife (no children) he never acknowledged me, wife would speak when she felt like it. Both academics & I.T literate.
Wife died recently, husband asked me to drive him to registrar’s/ then flu jab/then chiropodist. I, willingly obliged.
I invited him in for coffee ,explained that I am at working & not always available. Spoke about him having a walk each day or maybe get a taxi.
Calmly, explains to ME that a taxi costs money!!!
No more empathy from me.
butterandjam that made me laugh. If only I was brave enough.
Flippinheck
Thank you, all of you, for your support and suggestions. I think one of my issues is that I can’t make excuses which feel is dishonest, so I know, deep down, that I need to bite the bullet. I probably just needed someone to tell me that. I will see how that goes.
It's not easy but yes, you do.
I read on here once that some people are drains and some are radiators.
You sound like a radiator, giving warmth and comfort and your neighbour is most definitely a drain, she is very needy and is draining you of your energy.
The attendance allowance can be used to pay for help, that's why she has been awarded it. Her daughter needs to step up to the mark and help more or arrange help for her mother.
butterandjam 😁
I just announce cheerfully “No moaning allowed today “ or No health talk allowed today” or whatever it is that I just can’t listen to any longer.
If something starts popping out I just get more cheerful and say “No no no“ straight away, laugh and launch into something else.
After you’ve stopped her talking about her favourite subject a few times she’ll either give herself a shake or stop coming round😬
I think it's best to be honest but kind.
Remind her of the help you have provided in the past but say unfortunately you simply can't manage those things now. Do you want to continue supporting your neighbour .....?
Personally I would limit her visiting to once a week and suggest she pops round for an hour on eg. Thursdays at 4 when it is convenient for you. Then if she knocks at the door at other times say you are in the middle of something and will see her on Thursday. I would try and steer her away from negative conversation and even go as far as saying that you find it draining. Good luck
Perhaps next time she turns up on your doorstep tell her you are not feeling well and really not up to having her visit. Day you’re sure she will understand. Then next time do the same , tell her a list of all your ailments, real or otherwise, and say you’ll let her know when you feel better. Hopefully she will eventually take the hint. If not, as others have said, be blunt and say due to your own health you are really not up to listening to her problems or offering her any further support.
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