DH says I spend too much

With so much home delivery now, and retired husbands, it can be a bit more obvious to them that we are buying things than when we brought bags home from the shops while they were perhaps at work and stored it all away. "Is that a new frock?" "What this? I've had it for ages!".

It always saddens me when couples have money issues with one or others spending.
We were married 64 yrs before my husband passed away. From day 1 we shared..no matter who earned the most or spent the most..in the early years there was barely enough to go round but we got through those times somehow. Never ever well off.
The only time he questioned my spending was in the last 6 weeks of his life he was in hospital. I had a taxi (£22 ) every day to visit around lunch time to help feed him..he worried I'd run out of
money..I joked and told him I'm spending his pension since he wasn't. He knew id more than i needed really. My mobility is very poor so public transport not an option. I'd given my car up a few months earlier as I became nervous on the road. Family picked me me to take me home..

I am hoping to live at home, till the end. Ofcourse, it’s not entirely in my hands. I have some savings and will use that to pay for care at home.
I don’t have a lot, but I think I could manage well for about 2 or 3 years.
My next door neighbour has just had a chair lift installed. I’m not there yet….maybe in a year or two, if I live that long.

Apparently money is one of the most frequent things couples fight about, and it is likely to be also about listening to each other well. There are a lot of resources to help couples who disagree about money - but here is one well reviewed book :

Ramit Sethi – Money for Couples (2025) A practical 10‑step plan for couples to reduce money fights, build teamwork, and align spending habit

Its a best seller and at just under £13 in paperback, may be the best money ever spent by any couple struggling with managing money well together. Good luck!

HowVeryDareYou2

Savings of £130,000 IS rich. Your husband sounds ridiculously tight. That's a miserable way to live. My brother is the same.

£130,000; isn’t a lot of money if it’s your joint savings, depending on your ages, pension etc, if you needed care, the money would just disappear.

The rabbits for primary school children maybe, but for your older GC, especially the 16 year old?! Ask them what they would like - computer games for example maybe? I can see that when his spending is practical (what he really needs) and yours are things that you just want (more on a whim than really necessary) why he feels that you waste money. It might be that you're addicted to the temporary feel good rush that you get when parcels arrive for you, especially if you don't have much going on your life life excitement wise?
You could try leaving items in your basket over night and asking yourself the next day, do I really NEED these items or just want them and are the gift items age appropriate or just wasteful and embarrassing for the recipients? Sometimes just doing the shopping and browsing and filling you basket can satisfy an addiction enough without actually buying!

I didn't want to explain every purchase to my husband so I had my own bank account.Why shouldn't I when I had a job until I was 64?

Astitchintime

Just remind him that there’s no pockets in a shroud!

My thoughts exactly! If you haven't been saving to spend on grandchildren and perks during retirement, then what are the savings intended for? Is he anxious anout how you are going to cope later on? Sounds like you both need to sit down and have a calm, adult 'business meeting' about finances. (My husband got a bit antsy about Amazon purchases showing up on the statement too before I sat down with him at the computer and showed him the amount of stuff that was 'housekeeping' items.)

Dempie55

He buys ear wax??? Is that car wax?
I think he’s just being cautious, not necessarily being tight. (My own daughter has a bit of an Amazon habit, too, and I do think there is a risk of overspending when it’s so easy to order stuff and have it arrive next day.)

Duh! Yes, it will be car wax of course.

Apparently that doesn't meet the threshold for financial help!

That makes me 😡
As well as hospices having to find all the additional costs with some having to close.

A friend is having respite care and I think the costs are about £1,600 pw. The home is lovely and the staff very caring.

He buys ear wax??? Is that car wax?
I think he’s just being cautious, not necessarily being tight. (My own daughter has a bit of an Amazon habit, too, and I do think there is a risk of overspending when it’s so easy to order stuff and have it arrive next day.)

Pomgirl

My husband is like that.We are realtively well off..but just is a scrooge.I dont tell him what I buy..just say i I bought it in a sale.Or charity shop lol...

Or you’ve had it ages 😂

My DH has always managed our finances, we share everything that comes in and have joint accounts. He has been very careful over the years, we were never well off and I think he is very proud of the money he has saved for our senior years. It is a good amount and I thought that we would have some nice holidays but he says he has been saving in case either of us need knee/ hip replacements, or if we need care in the future. Although it’s ‘our’ money, and in fact, my pension is higher than his, I wouldn’t dream of blowing it on trivial bits and bobs, he has had this plan for years, although it’s been my money as well, he’s the one who kept an eye on savings rates and moved it around , it wouldn’t be fair for me to upset his retirement planning.

fancyflowers

*Are the cuddly toys jellycats? ...if so I'm sure they will be a hit with the GC ....its the 'in' brand of soft toys at moment....I wouldn't risk any other brabd of cuddly toy with a teenager though*

Not jellycats, here is the rabbit.

Not really the point, but do you have a link for the rabbits? I have grandchildren who would love them.

Allira

^It's not really especially if one of them is going to need a place in a care setting. That wouldn't buy 10 months in my Mum's nursing home.^
I know care can be expensive but that's over £3,000 per week! Is your Mother entitled to any help with costs eg for nursing care, it might be worth investigating.

We pay 10 and half thousand a month, the nursing allowance is paid on top directly to the care home. We have investigated all avenues of help but CHC won't pay anything and because we sold her house, it meant she is considered to have the means to pay. She cannot dress herself, feed herself properly, walk or ask for any of her needs to be met. She needs constant monitoring to ensure she doesn't choke on her food and has diabetes which needs to be properly managed as she keeps going low. Apparently that doesn't meet the threshold for financial help!
I keep reading about care costs being about £6000 per month. Not around here and when she was in a home which was £8500 about 3 years ago, she nearly died through lack of care. In this area, you just have to pay what it costs.

Dear Fancy Flowers, I do appreciate that with poor health and sufficient money you will be tempted to buy what appeals to you. I am very careful with my amazon basket and try to send it off after things have waited in it a week or so and I have decided if I really need them, what they might replace, and whats more if I have space for them. I employ a wardrobe lady to visit me once a year. She is a consultant from Colour me Beautiful and she comes to my house each year for 2 hours, a friend visits for 3 hours and the friend arrives first, the wardrobe lady take photos of me on my phone, in my put together looks, we look at things that I havn't worn and put them into 'new outfits' and if they dont make the grade into a black bag for the charity shop. We also look at what I have not got in my wardrobe that might be helpful. Also when I am thinking of buying clothes on line I email the person and ask her advice. this makes it easier to turndown catalougue offers of something off if you buy one more garment etc.
It is quite hard work to ignore some types of marketing

All the very best.

I’m afraid I sympathise with your husband. You admit that you have very little pension, or money of your own, but you are more than happy to spend your husband’s money. Don’t you feel guilty? Or perhaps you think your various illnesses etc. entitle you to be so rash with HIS money.
I’m sorry you have health problems. I do too, but I don’t resort to frivolous, possibly unwanted purchases to make me feel better. If that sounds unsympathetic, I apologise, but I must admit that I lost patience with you when I saw how you were happy to spend your husband’s money so freely, all the time making out it’s your money.. He must have the patience of a saint and I don’t know how you can that he needs to accept that you buy things. He might, if you were buying them with YOUR money, instead of purloining his all the time.

Even when I was a SAHM my husband never discussed my spending. We are both retired and frankly he never says a word. That said, I wouldn’t buy teenagers cuddly rabbits!

Retroladywriting

This all sounds just a little odd to me. You said he buys "ear wax' and "underpants" (ear wax!!!?) Then you mention a carpet cleaner as examples of things he buys for himself. Really?

Perhaps the OP meant hair wax?

Ear wax comes free.

It's not really especially if one of them is going to need a place in a care setting. That wouldn't buy 10 months in my Mum's nursing home.
I know care can be expensive but that's over £3,000 per week! Is your Mother entitled to any help with costs eg for nursing care, it might be worth investigating.

This all sounds just a little odd to me. You said he buys "ear wax' and "underpants" (ear wax!!!?) Then you mention a carpet cleaner as examples of things he buys for himself. Really?

HowVeryDareYou2

Savings of £130,000 IS rich. Your husband sounds ridiculously tight. That's a miserable way to live. My brother is the same.

It's not really especially if one of them is going to need a place in a care setting. That wouldn't buy 10 months in my Mum's nursing home.

I would have thought that the best way of organising spending is to have an agreement of how much one's monthly send can be with both sides compromising if necessary. Maybe if the OP were to calculate her spend on things other than the usual household expenses she might either find her annual spending added up to more than she realised or she could get her husband to see that it wasn't as bad as he thought.

My husband is like that.We are realtively well off..but just is a scrooge.I dont tell him what I buy..just say i I bought it in a sale.Or charity shop lol...

Why don't you ask your DH to order the Amazon purchases as they are his GC too or do it together then he wouldnt point the finger at you and would understand, just a suggestion!

That was to Bea65