DH says I spend too much

Allira

I think if I bought my teenage DGC floppy eared rabbits they would politely say thank you and wonder if I was ok!

Best to agree with your DH what you're going to give for Christmas, which in our case is money plus a small present for each family member and presents for a couple of friends and extended family we'll see on the day.

Is your DH worrying that he might have to pay for care costs and that is why he is worried about spending?

Well, lots of teenagers still have cuddly toys that were bought for them when they were younger, so why not a fluffy rabbit now?

I'm not sure if my DH is worrying about future care costs for me. Probably not. I will ask him.

When I do go out, which is not often, then I like to look put together, so I order handbags in different colours to go with different outfits, and similarly shoes and boots to match my coats.

DH always objects, saying that I've already got a handbag and enough shoes. My usual response is to tell him that all my friends have loads of handbags and shoes.

Is the income you have yours, ie you earn it, or the pension is in your name? Well, in that case, its your money and providing you are paying you share of household expenses, then the money is yours and how you spend it is nobodies business but yours.

If your income comes from is work pension, tell him to decide how much you get and what you pay for and providing you do that, again it is none of his business.

However, the questions that must be asked, are; Has he always been like this, or has this sudden parsimony only come on since he retired or because he has got himself into a state about the effect of the budget and this government's incompetent economic management.

If he has always been like this, you should have dealt with it by now. If it is recent or since retirement, consider the possibility he is depressed, feeling insecure now he cannot get outnto work to deal with problems. Generally stick to your views. It is your money and how you spend it is your decision, but treat him kindly.

Desdemona

I read this article yesterday.

www.dailymail.co.uk/lifestyle/family-parenting/article-15329105/shocked-mother-garage-sad-truth-Boomer-junk-CLARE-FOGES.html

I can't access that, Desdemona but I got the drift of too much stuff before it asked me to subscribe.

Quite often married couples have differing ideas on spending, what you might see as just buying a few extra gifts because hey you have enough savings, he might see as a waste of money, and hey you have enough savings but what if you hit a rainy day?
Neither of you is either right or wrong, there is a middle ground and am sure you will find it as you obvs have been doing for some time.
All the best.

I think if I bought my teenage DGC floppy eared rabbits they would politely say thank you and wonder if I was ok!

Best to agree with your DH what you're going to give for Christmas, which in our case is money plus a small present for each family member and presents for a couple of friends and extended family we'll see on the day.

Is your DH worrying that he might have to pay for care costs and that is why he is worried about spending?

Lathyrus3

Were they presents that the grandchildren had asked for or more stuff you bought just because it took your fancy?

Sorry , I’m going to push you a little bit on this🤔

The grandchildren's presents were nearly all what their parents had suggested we buy them.
In addition, I bought all of them couple of additional gifts that I thought they would like ( such as the really cute flop eared rabbit!).

Were they presents that the grandchildren had asked for or more stuff you bought just because it took your fancy?

Sorry , I’m going to push you a little bit on this🤔

It would be sad to have to break up now, but we have enough to deal with at our age and we need to feel that we have happy times ahead, or find a way to improve matters

There isn't any question of separating. We both have our faults but we do love each other.

I read this article yesterday.

www.dailymail.co.uk/lifestyle/family-parenting/article-15329105/shocked-mother-garage-sad-truth-Boomer-junk-CLARE-FOGES.html

Lathyrus3

It’s not really about what you spent today is it? That wasn’t excessive.

It’s whether you spent yesterday and the day before and the day before that on stuff that is nice, but really just impulse buying.

I admit I’m a bit iffy about the cuddly toys for teenagers🤔

Only you know whether he is tight with money or maybe has a point.

When you put it like that, then yes he has a point. I do a lot of impulse buying. I did spend yesterday and the day before, but all these orders were for Christmas presents for the grandchildren.

Could you not have some of your joint savings transfered to a bank account of your own, in which your pension also goes? He won't stress about what you are spending then as he won't know?

It’s not really about what you spent today is it? That wasn’t excessive.

It’s whether you spent yesterday and the day before and the day before that on stuff that is nice, but really just impulse buying.

I admit I’m a bit iffy about the cuddly toys for teenagers🤔

Only you know whether he is tight with money or maybe has a point.

Just remind him that there’s no pockets in a shroud!

I would let christmas come and go and in the meantime think what you would like to happen. So you could have a news year resolution to perhaps have a certain amount of money each, and then have the right to spend it however you like with no comments or looks about how much it cost or anything. This perhaps could be sorted if you have a general talk about how money is going, check through all your payments and see how things are going. Being kind I could understand that if he is now retired it is a worry to him that he will not be able to replace savings.

On the other hand he may just be trying to be controlling, whether not realizing it or doing it deliberately. Again if he now is not in charge of anything else he might be trying to be in control of his own life or possibly yours. If you can explain how he mars all you buy with his attitude then perhaps you can find another way to deal with this. If not then you may have to look at your life and see if the way ahead is going to be possible together . It would be sad to have to break up now, but we have enough to deal with at our age and we need to feel that we have happy times ahead, or find a way to improve matters. Wishing you good luck

People have different attitudes to money. My DH was brought up in a poor household and is always asking what things cost even though we are not short of money. It’s hard to change one’s mindset.

Has he always been like this , or is this a recent thing ?
I’ve always worked and had my own money and my dh isn’t bothered what I spend , ditto for me . We now have our pensions and savings but neither of us guards the wallet .

MollyNew

Do is views on spending extend to himself? Surely he must buy things sometimes and if so, does he consider his spending to be a problem? You each think the other has a problem so you have to reach an agreement somehow.

Try to find out what he is upset about. He hasn't stopped you from spending so does he object to particular things such as buying for the grandchildren or buying clothes or is it your spending in general?

It's my spending in general. He gets upset that every day I have a Amazon order. But I buy everything on Amazon, including all our household needs such as bin bags, bleach, drain gel, pans, ceramic dishes, baking trays etc.
He does occasionally buy for himself, but not often. He buys ear wax, new underpants and new shirts.

Savings of £130,000 IS rich. Your husband sounds ridiculously tight. That's a miserable way to live. My brother is the same.

"His" views, not "is views" of course.

Do is views on spending extend to himself? Surely he must buy things sometimes and if so, does he consider his spending to be a problem? You each think the other has a problem so you have to reach an agreement somehow.

Try to find out what he is upset about. He hasn't stopped you from spending so does he object to particular things such as buying for the grandchildren or buying clothes or is it your spending in general?

V3ra

You could offer to economise by not buying each other Christmas presents? 😉

We don't buy for each other anyway. We buy for brother and sister-in-law, our 2 daughters and our 3 grandchildren.

You could offer to economise by not buying each other Christmas presents? 😉

How awful he’s there watching & feeling justified commenting on what you spend! He must just about suck the life out of everything money related.
I wonder who appointed him ‘guardian of the purse’.

When one partner has a stranglehold on the wallet this control must have a definite impact on the other persons freedom I’d imagine, and leads almost inevitably to sneaking around and secret spending. To heck with him, don’t let him take the joy from your purchases, be strong stand firm.

Sorry, I ordered 3.