Help surviving Christmas with Alzheimers Dad and difficult mother

Oh Tararh sorry to read the difficult situation you are in with your parents. I don't have any helpful suggestions but I feel for you and hope you are all able to have a nice Christmas and all the best for 2026

Sounds a very difficult situation. Do you have to go to their house?
Hopefully others here may have suggestions.

It doesn't sound as if either parent wants to be bothered with christmas at all. or would get any pleasure from it.

Why not enjoy christmas at home with your other family then visit parents in the new year.

I agree with butterandjam on this problem.
Why not enjoy Christmas with your kids and visit your parents later ?
You are only going to wear yourself to a frazzle trying to have a nice Christmas with your parents.

On the one hand, if your father is cognitively intact enough to make his own decisions, he has the right to decide that he does not want carers. However, YOU also have the right to decide how much care you are willing and able to provide.

If you're concerned that your father is not receiving the care he needs, I'd recommend that you contact Social Services. They may be able to do an assessment, and while I don't know the details, I would be shocked if they didn't do an assessment of your mother's coping abilities and ability to provide care. (Assessing family caregivers for burnout is a vital part of any district care/home care service.)

Keep in mind that while Christmas is meant to be a special time, given your father's condition, any change in his routine can be very distressing and cause issues for him. It's not unreasonable to decide that for his sake you can't do as many special Christmassy things as you would have done in past years.

One thing I have used at christmas time in the past is to start making a pattern of breaks for yourself. In my case I am a gardener, and many years ago I began my tradition of walking round my garden first one way and then the other, and noting any plants flowering , showing shoots etc, and I do the same on New Years Day. These have actually been useful as I lived in one place for 20 years, so it was the same garden all that time. The RHS asked gardeners to give their earliest dates for flowering to help to see what change there was in the climate etc. But that was not the importance of it. The plan was to have this "escape" route available to me at any time during the day, so when things were getting fraught, or something was burnt or whatever, I would announce that I was just going to do my check round the garden, and escape with secateurs in hand!! That allowed me to both calm down, take a deep breath, but at the same time do quite a bit of savage snipping with the secateurs!! Found this very therapeutic, and the family got used to my disappearing out every so often. Perhaps you could do something similar, even if it has to be blaming an upset stomach and disappearing to the bathroom for a few minutes to calm down. Having that little escape place arranged might let you feel a little more in charge of your own time if not your parents. The other thing is that of course you are just seeing them at their worst , because you have just come into the scenario. I dont say that they like it , but it could be normal for the way they now live and they do not see it as so bad. Then could you think of a couple of different things that they each like, so that you would have the opportunity to spend time with one of them on their own, whether perhaps baking or doing a jigsaw or playing cards. whatever you can think of that the other parent would not want to join in with. At least that would also give you and them a breathing space. Also if you are a driver , dont forget the possibility to have a short drive to somewhere either they like , or suggest a drive to see some places you havent seen for a while. Often people are quieter and calmer especially if you have one in the front and one in the back. Doesnt actually matter if they look out of the window, shut their eyes or read a paper, you will probably get a bit of peace whilst you are out. Dont forget when you shut the bedroom door you can also give the pillow a good punch or two to relieve feelings. Wishing you the best you can manage and whereas the children count down to christmas day, you can count down to the 12 days of christmas and the way home.

If I had young children I would want them to have a good Christmas not go into the scene you describe. Personally I would come up with excuse not to visit until after boxing day, if your mother cannot agree to a cease fire for the sake of her grandchildren, I would tell them that most all grandparent are not like theirs and we must be kind when we visit, sometimes excusing bad behaviour, it depends on the age of the children, if they were very young and get upset being there because they don’t understand I would be reluctant having them there. Your mother surely understands that for a few days at least she puts her grandchildren first. If she can’t I would visit alone nearer to the date.

I agree with Allsorts. You will never get these Christmases back with your children.
Your parents have had Christmases galore in the past. It is your family which is the most important now.
So visit before Christmas on your own if necessary. Make sure they have all the meds, presents and food they need. Ring on Christmas Day.
Visit after Christmas in that time between then and New Year.

At some stage could you stay with Dad and your mum have a couple of days away in 2026? She sounds like she needs time away. They both need a break from each other I expect.

I think Alzheimers UK have a helpline which may help you.

Probably a bit late to change arrangements for this year. But let 2026 be a year of change on your part.

How old are they? And boe old are your DC?

You need to make some changes. If your parents won’t change - it’s up to you. Get social services involved, get an assessment of their needs, they could get some help with someone going in on a regular basis. You need to concentrate on YOUR family - as someone says, this time is precious with your immediate family which you won’t get back. It makes sense to have Christmas Day at your house and arrange to be with your parents on say Boxing Day.

its very hard to be around and upsetting and yet your taking 2 children into this situation at a time that should be happy and joyous, why 🤷‍♀️

Thanks all my mother I suspect is also in the early stages of dementia. My brother is now coming for a few days with his daughter between xmas and new year. He confirmed yesterday. This takes the pressure off.

They live in a very rural location. I think this makes it all a bit tougher as there is not a great deal of places to escape too when we stay. Also I think it makes them more isolated.

I should say my kids are 10,8 and 5. I don't think I can leave them alone (the parents) over Xmas. Id doesn't sit nicely with me. They are in a difficult situation and I can't help them very much due to the distance. My parents in law get on well and are very hands on. Especially my father in law. They are a good bit younger too so my kids know that this is not normal behaviour and we have explained that sometimes illness makes you behave in ways you don't usually.

Rural and isolated. The 2 red flag words.
I know a few in the same position. Wonderful when young, but a real problem for the elderly.

Maybe that should be sorted in 2026. Hope it goes well this Christmas. Good that other family will be there. 500 miles away is a long trek for you all.

Don't go if it's that bad. Your non arrival might be just what they need to become best of friends.
If they've got Alzheimer's they won't be too bothered.
Also maybe it's a massive strain on them if you constantly are aware of their shortcomings.
Send a giant Xmas hamper instead.
Of course you don't have to agree with me, but personally I would prefer a Hamper and an Excuse rather than a difficult, stressful and tiring xmas.
Maybe they secretly suspect you want to upend them and put them in a home.
That would be beyond stressful!

You sound like a very caring and loving daughter but first and foremost you need to be a very caring and loving mother.
Your children are too young to be in this stressful environment at Christmas.
Stay at home and enjoy your family Christmas.
Don’t feel guilty, a wasted emotion. Your parents have had good Christmas Days.
I also think that the pressure of a full house and disruption this causes is not in their best interests.
Send a nice gift and phone them on the day.
When the weather improves in the spring take your children to visit when you can be outdoors and create good memories.
A fraught atmosphere on what should be a magical day for children is not a good memory of time spent with grandparents.
Have a nice time whatever you decide.

Some of the comments on here are really not helpful. The only tip I can offer is honestly please dont go. I understand your concern for your parents but the happiness of your children has to come before anything and anyone else. You are travelling hundreds of miles to take them into a toxic environment. Your 10 and 8 year old will pick up on this which is not fair on them who deserve to have a happy christmas not one where their mother is stressed out coping with her parents. You dont deserve it either. Easier said than done I know but maybe phone your mum, tell her you cant make it xmas day, ignore her pleas, then arrange to visit in new year. Then in new year help to support mum by getting in touch with people who can help with Dad. GP for dementia assessment, social services etc. Good luck but put yourself and the children first x

I think Christmas is to be got through. Try to keep it short and include nice long walks. In the new year maybe help them get more support. Your poor mother is trapped as a carer for someone where the love died some time ago. Are day centres for him an option? My mother found some space from constant care for my father a great relief and he became calmed as well. As others suggested, get a social worker involved. Find carers support groups for Mum.

I had one really weird Christmas with my in-laws before starting a family and vowed that if we had children I would never put them through it and nor did I.

I would be unhappy about GC using up one of their precious childhood Christmases in such a toxic atmosphere.

The thing is some times it is ok. I think this is half the battle, the unpredictability of it all. I had a lovely call with them at the weekend and then felt incredibly guilty about saying things about them.

The first few days will be nice but it will soon wear off. Honestly, if they weren't so isolated and my mum got more help I would not go. But I just feel that there are literally only a few weeks a year where I can be any use to her. he is basically like a 10 year old who can go to the shops in the village but not much else. I am also conscious that this will kill him and I want to see him while he still recognises us and at least has some sentiment of what is going on. We all know what is in the post and it is not good.

My Dad has vascular dementia and can't cope with lots of people or noise.
A couple of years ago he came here for a family get-together and asked to be taken home quite early.
I wonder if your dad will cope with extra people in the house?
It might be all too much for him, in which case is there a plan B?
At the very least I'd suggest you look into staying in a Premier Inn or similar nearby rather than actually in their house.

The first few days will be nice but it will soon wear off.

How many days are you planning to stay for?