To feel hurt by adult DC gravitating towards the callous father that dumped them ?

I think children - however loving the home they grew up in have a need to fill in gaps in connections and understanding if relatives are missing from their lives. I know of adopted children ( now young adults) who desperately want to meet and connect with birth family members whatever the circumstances.
I am so sorry for the hurt you feel. It must be very difficult for you.

It’s a horrid and unfair situation BUT don’t let it make you sad, bitter or angry, in this situation you cannot win, although in my eyes you ARE the winner as you looked after your family so well.

Good luck

Hi Dazy
I think it's quite common scenario, so don't let it upset you, think they are trying to get what they never had.

My C father left when they were 3,6&9. Left us in a foreign country with no help, no money. My eldest remembers me begging him to stay, but he had too many ladies after him and wanted to be a bachelor again.

My youngest always called him the 'sperm donor'. They saw him a few times per year, he then left to live abroad and so now about every 5yrs for weddings & funeral. Fast forward to when my youngest D estranged me, he has become the dad of the century! My other 2 have little to do with him, my son now ignores any communication from him, my eldest D says she lost her dad when she was 9yrs old and can see he has no interest in his C and never did.

The other thing that comes to mind reading these posts is there are lots of reasons why our grown up children pull away from us while they are finding their own place in the world.

Not all the animosity or distancing could be to do with your relationship with their dad.

Don't beat yourself up.

AmberGran

Sounds like your children are still young. When they grow up a bit and have children of their own and realise a bit of what you went through they may have different ideas. He is probably in the 'unknown and exotic' category at the moment. You can't expect young children to remember things as you do, even if they were upset and hurt by what he did. But when they have a bit more life experience they be better able to understand.

Please don't make them play piggy in the middle. No matter how hard it is just tell them 'I love you very much. I have always been there for you and I always will. You're old enough now to make your own decisions.' Of course you may have to be there for the fall-out at some point.

No, Dazy does NOT have to "be there to take the fall out ".
She's already been there, done that, got the emotional scars.
Taking the shit /picking up the pieces is what she did for decades, bringing them up from early childhood , singlehanded.

They are not helpless children now ; they are adults ; old enough to know the score, making their own choices. Bad choices; selfish thoughtless choices at the expense of Dazy. Just like their father did. She didn't deserve it 20 years ago and she doesn't deserve it now.

Now they are grown adults they have to take responsibility for their own decisions. If they get hurt; too bad. Their choice, but they have to bear the consequences of it.

Dazy has a choice now , that she didn't have before.

This time, she does not have to pick up the pieces or clean up the mess all over again.

Leopards don't change their spots. Sooner or later, your adult DC will witness his selfish callous nature and may be the victims of it ( all over again).

Meanwhile, when you are with them, don't mention ex, and if they do, just say " Lets talk about something else" and do.

Meanwhile; you can assume that now they are all pals, they will one day be the beneficiaries of their father's Will. So you're no longer their sole future hope. You're off that hook.

Now it's time for you to enjoy carefree freedom from parental responsibility ... just like he did . Please yourself. Don't be available to prop them up . Indulge your own dreams and whims , not theirs.

Spend your time, and your money, on you.

There is a vast emotional difference between being the ex-wife of an unsatisfactory spouse and being the child of a father who is divorced from your mother.

Your children are adults, and have decided to have some kind of relationship with their father. This is quite natural and not done to hurt you,

You are not unreasonable in feeling slightly hurt by this turn of events, but you will do no good, only harm. by expressing your hurt to your children.

Please leave it to them to find out whether they can establish any kind of relationship to the father they loved as children, and whom, I assume from what you write, but I may be wrong, they have not seen during their childhood, after you and he divorced.

Thank you everyone for sharing your similar experiences. I just find reading each one to be comforting. I know the underlying message is to try to avoid making the children take sides, but I'm so terrified about the poison he's spewing out to turn my daughter especially against me. He told me he would once they were adults and now it seems he is- she's gullible, loves him, puts him on a pedestal, I think my son wouldn't take any lies- which they are.

I also worry that I'm not strong enough to handle any rejection from my daughter so I end up trying to rescue the situation by warning them. But they are wary of me mentioning him which ties in with the good advice on here to stay quiet.
It's hard to live on fear but I love what crazyH said - just live your best life.

Got to find a way to suppress the fear and pain.

Sounds like your children are still young. When they grow up a bit and have children of their own and realise a bit of what you went through they may have different ideas. He is probably in the 'unknown and exotic' category at the moment. You can't expect young children to remember things as you do, even if they were upset and hurt by what he did. But when they have a bit more life experience they be better able to understand.

Please don't make them play piggy in the middle. No matter how hard it is just tell them 'I love you very much. I have always been there for you and I always will. You're old enough now to make your own decisions.' Of course you may have to be there for the fall-out at some point.

Hi Dazy I, at 76, was once a young adult who was in exactly the same position as you describe your children. DM's husband (I no longer think of him as my father) left her with 3 very young children, the youngest a baby, also for one of his many lovers.

We never saw much of him all the years we grew up. In my late teens, I was the one who led the reconciliation we siblings then had with him.

However, in time, I (we) saw him for the weak, selfish and unfatherly person he had been all along. It took a while. I must add, I was never not close to my Mum. She said nothing, but it must have hurt her.

So - my point it, it's a process, probably a necessary one that your children are going through. Let it run its course.

Unfortunately my lovely Mum died before I could tell her how I now understood what a waste of space he was.

Live your best life and let your children find their way in this.

Your ex-husband sounds very much like mine, although it was his father who despised me; I quite liked my mother in law.
Don't feel betrayed by your children's relationship with their grandmother despite what she did in the past; let it go.
As for their father; again try not to let it upset you; don't retaliate and hopefully they will soon see his self-indulgent, selfish ways.
My adult children see their father infrequently, his choice,and have no illusions about him; they were far more aware of what was going on when they were younger than I realised. I was pleased when my son said once, unsolicited, ' you never tried to make us take sides like (friend's) parents are doing, and he hates it.' He also said, 'Dad treated you like sh**' much to my surprise.

Yes Dazy - it happens. I have a daughter who is Daddy’s girl. Growing up, she always favoured him - still does.
Twenty years ago, he left, divorced me and married his lover. We have 3 children who are now adults with children of their own. They visit their father. The ds.i.l seemed to get on well with their step-mother-in- law. It was upsetting at first, but now, tbh, I just let them get on with it. They give me enough of their time. I see the grandchildren fairly often. That’s all that matters. I am too old to care. Btw, I have neither remarried or dated anyone else.
Just live your best life

Thank you Grammaretto, I'll take the hug! That's good advice. It's hard because I hope for loyalty/solidarity but realise it doesn't work that way when a parent is involved...

I do understand how you feel ( been there, got the t shirt). The hurt from betrayal never goes away but I guess it’s good that mine and your children have a good relationship with our ex’s and their families.

I don't have any experience but couldn't pass by without offering you a hug at least!

I have read about people like your ex and knew a femme fatale once whose children forgave her despite the trail of broken families she left in her wake.

I suppose the best thing you can do is to try not to let all the nastiness consume you and make you bitter.
Love your DC but never make them take sides.

*one bit