Did you give your spouse a chance to correct before you file for divorce?

Mende

There more.

I know he will need the money for his mom, as his salary is not enough to keep continue on like this, as it been 4 YEARS, 4 YEARS and ongoing, this is year 5

I ask him would he sale our martial home, meaning the home that me and our, the child of me and him together. Would he still sale it?

He tell me he WILL. And that me him and our son all 3 of us will go rent. The house of the money will go to his mother medical expense.

Even if that means sacrifice me and our toddler all 3 of us go rent, while the house will be sale to save his mother.

Can any woman here actually can accept this? Because I cannot. He show me times and times over that his mother is more important than me (his wife) and his own child.

As your husband has comfirmed that he will continue to fund his mother to the end, your only alternative is to divorce him and salvage what you can. Because he will contest it dont expect it to be quick or easy

Mende, honestly, you are like a dog with a bone.

It is a testament to the good will, patience and forebearance
of posters here that you have had any responses.

This as you noticed, is a U.K. site, we cannot help socially or legally, take the excellent advice kindly offered and cease your increasingly combative diatribe.

There more.

I know he will need the money for his mom, as his salary is not enough to keep continue on like this, as it been 4 YEARS, 4 YEARS and ongoing, this is year 5

I ask him would he sale our martial home, meaning the home that me and our, the child of me and him together. Would he still sale it?

He tell me he WILL. And that me him and our son all 3 of us will go rent. The house of the money will go to his mother medical expense.

Even if that means sacrifice me and our toddler all 3 of us go rent, while the house will be sale to save his mother.

Can any woman here actually can accept this? Because I cannot. He show me times and times over that his mother is more important than me (his wife) and his own child.

Here is the problem.

[[ Insurance will pay for ventilators, feeding tubes, etc. if there is an active treatment plan aimed at improving the patient's health or consciousness.

Vegetative State Exclusion: If a doctor declares the patient is in a persistent coma vegetative state with no reasonable hope of recovery, insurers cease coverage for artificial life maintenance. ]]

Insurance has to make profit too to survive, there no insurance out there would cover a LONG TERM coma vegetative state where the person lungs and heart breathing from artificial life machine.

I know if God forbid his mom end up in vegetable state, he will NOT pull the plug, he will at all cost continue to have his mom under life support. Well guess what, he be paying in full.

Why drag me into this? I did not sign up for this, we will NOT have enough money if his mom on life support. Nobody knows what the future hold, there 50% chance she can be.

If he loves me then divorce me, and spend the rest of his life care for his mom, why possessive of me and not let me go, and drag me into all this with him.

It not just 162K a year for his mother Private Nursing Home care with a private room and doctor on site and a team of nurses care for her.

But it also her hospital medical bills, she was in the hospital from Dec 31st to Jan 23rd, that is 24 days hospital stays. You bet there are Out of pocket cost, and any specialist and treatments that Out of network will be pay in full.

Thank you to he cosign as the financial responsible party for his mother.

--

There more.

His mother explicit express her wishes to the doctors, even in her Advance Healthcare Directive she specific said prolong her life use any medical intervention even life support.
She AFRAID of death and wants to live at all cost, even if she has to be on life support, do NOT pull her life support.

Sure, one can argue she selfish that she deadly afraid of die to the point that even if she on life support, do not pull her life support, this will put her son on a lifetime debt to prolong her life.

One can argue she has the RIGHTS to express her wishes afraid of die, and she has the RIGHTS to ask hospital to use medical intervention including life support to prolong her life.

But why drag me into this?

I think this is a good idea madeleine45

In my opinion there are really two separate things here. Practically I think the only sensible thing to do is to take good advice, and then get a divorce as soon as you can. I would also in the meantime make a list of all you can remember, that was spent on your mil, so was not available for you and your husband. It can be quite surprising when you see the complete list over time and realize how it has impacted on your life. By getting a divorce hopefully you will at least a voice being responsible for his or her debts.

In the meantime I suggest what I often suggest to people in difficult situations. So you could take two pieces of paper. On one you write all the positive things there are about your marriage, what you enjoy sharing, what you admire in him etc. Each time you think of something write iton the paper, and then fold it over so that you cannot see it. On the other piece of paper put the negative things about your situation. Then on a day you feel quite calm and relaxed and on your own, open these papers and then what you are looking for is not a list but to look at what you have written, and see how various things group together and it helps you to see what is important to you and what you might not have realized how important an area is to you. You may actually be surprised by somethings. While you are in your situation, you are not taking a step back and this can be helpful.

I think you must still have some love for your husband as you have remained with him during this time. So having looked at your lists, thought about your situation as it is, that should be the time when you decide what you want to happen.

So, it may be that you see that you need to divorce, and move away and have nothing more to do with them. This would be sad for you, but at the same time allow you to have a clean break, and get on with your own life, without the constant worry about the debts etc. Or you may divorce and either ask your husband to leave or leave yourself and get something smaller, perhaps a flat or something that you would be able to cope with well yourself. Put it is your name only, but then you could still invite your husband to spend time with you, but on your grounds. Make sure that he knows that you will not mortgage your flat or give him any money for his mothers debts, but you could still invite him for meals and perhaps to stay with you occasionally. That way you keep contact, but on your terms, and you will feel less stressed, knowing you are safe yourself.

Only you can know which if any of these ideas might work for you. Do you have a close friend who knows your circumstances and might be able to help you to look at what alternatives there are? The main point of these ideas are to show you some possibilties for you to take control of your own life. You will never change your mil's attitude, nor does it seem likely that you can get your husband to alter his attitude, or if he did , he would probably feel so guilty about it that it would still not work for you both. So the point is that in reality we cannot change other peoples behaviours or attitude, only our own. Perhaps this seems like a new way of thinking about your situation, so I would urge you to think about it a little without involving anyone else. Then you could come back to the post and if it appeals you could begin to write those lists and see where it leads you. Hopefully to a less frustrating and worrying way of life. Wishing you strength to do whatever you feel able to do.

I have a lot of sympathy for your husband and perhaps you can persuade him that the US is not a Mende village where elders are revered and supported by the whole community.

If selling the house is the best way to go, then you probably know best.

Mende you mention you have an appointment with a lawyer, but you don't need to tell them you have decided on a divorce, you can say that you are gathering information to help you decide.

If you still love your husband and sitting down for a conversation just doesn't work, can you go to a counselling session together? Good things may come out of that, or it may help you move on with making your mind up.

I think you should have a sensible sit-down conversation with your husband as it seems you have already lost your marital home.

What do older people and their families usually do if they have only a moderate income and someone needs a care facility?

In terms of second chances for husbands I'd want to have this conversation and try to find a way through but I do accept that he is not likely to change.
The good news is he is a caring person towards his mother so he may be able to see how unfair this financial burden has been on you - and want to find a way to be fairer.

Does your mother-in-law know the dire situation you are in?
Would she be able to cope with a cheaper facility?

NoMende you weren’t told to go on another site Wyllow suggested you might get better advice on a US site as here in Uk we don’t have the same problems re finances and elderly care as you do and it is not easy for us to understand how it all works over there.

I can’t envisage losing my house to keep my mum alive, that’s brutal and unbelievably harsh.

It’s certainly not your husbands fault he wants to help his mum
Would it be the same problem if she wasn’t in a luxurious hospital/care facility ? Or is it because she is in a specially grand place ?

@Rosies

I was told by @Wyllow3 I should go ask elsewhere (this is UK forum) and was lecture on that my answer (to another poster) that the cost of the medical facilities has nothing to do with my OP.

I feel it has everything to do with my OP. And I answer the question to the other poster in how I feel it fit to explain my answer.

If you feel my post is snippy, please feel free to report it to the Moderator and let the Moderator come here and read the whole thread.

Do you mean “DID you etc…before you FILED for divorce”
Or DO you etc… before you FILE for divorce”
You question OP is unclear and your circumstances so unique to you and indeed untypical of life in the UK I would be surprised to find a comparable experience.
But given that I have never filed for divorce, I can’t really say whether I would have given him another chance.
It would depend on the circumstances.

However people have gone out of their way to be helpful so I find it ungracious of you to be so snippy when you say
I do not think anywhere in my post I ask for Legal advice. I thought my OP I asked the question, do you give your spouse a chance before file for divorce, and I explain my reason why.

Mende

I do not think anywhere in my post I ask for Legal advice. I thought my OP I asked the question, do you give your spouse a chance before file for divorce, and I explain my reason why.

That replied was to Mrs. BlessedArt to answer her question if it short term care or long term care facilities.

Yes give him a chance to change his mind

Dont expect a contested divorce to give a quick solution

@Wyllow3

I answer this question: [[ If she is in a long term care facility or a SNF, you could be in huge financial trouble. Most long term care facilities in the US require significant collateral. ]]

The cost of facilities has alot to do with it, because we don't have enough money that we has to sale our martial home to funded his mom ONGOING medical expense until the day she die (insert how many years she lives till).

But the cost of facilities has nothing to do with

"do you give your spouse another chance to file for divorce"

I do not think anywhere in my post I ask for Legal advice. I thought my OP I asked the question, do you give your spouse a chance before file for divorce, and I explain my reason why.

That replied was to Mrs. BlessedArt to answer her question if it short term care or long term care facilities.

I'm not sure why you are asking us in the UK, wouldnt a US forum be better equipped to understand the legal side?

All we can say here is, its quite clear you have only one life to lead and your husband and yourself are clearly neither happy nor working together on the issues involved, he's not acting to protect his own wife financially.

But there must be US charities who will give effective advice like we have over here, like Age UK? There are several US organisations if you google, I suggest you seek US advice.

@BlessedArt

Because it is LONG TERM care continuous cost until the day his mother die (insert how many more years he has left), insurance does not pay for that luxury, my husband pay Out of Pocket for his Private Nursing home with private room and doctor on site and a team of nurses care for her around the clock. My husband currently pays $162,000 a year from his mom.

Here is what it say just from a quick search AI say:

In Los Angeles, private nursing home rooms for elderly care cost approximately $13,262 to $13,660 per month as of 2023-2024, offering 24/7 medical supervision.
For a private setting with in-home nurses, 24/7 care can exceed $27,000 per month ($40/hour).
Assisted living with private rooms averages roughly $5,700-$6,500+ per month, depending on care needs.

Key Cost Breakdown for Private Care in Los Angeles (2024-2025 Data)

• Nursing Home (Private Room): ~$13,262-$13,660/month, providing 24/7 skilled nursing.

• In-Home Care (24/7): ~$27,030/month (based on $40/hour average for 168 hours/week).
·
Assisted Living (Private Room): ~$5,748-$6,632/month, usually for non-skilled, daily assistance.

Board and Care Homes: Smaller, residential settings often cost $2,500-$5,000+ per month for private rooms

Mende, I think some of the Grans have advised you to see a solicitor. I just want to say that in the US, solicitors are called lawyers, or attorneys.

Does she have a house that could pay the debts?
I assume she would still get care just not so luxurious?

While it’s unfortunate his mum is unwell, it doesn’t change my opinion that you would be wise to separate financially through legal divorce.

What kind of facility is she in? If she’s in an acute care hospital, he would be wise to not prioritize those bills over more pressing, day to day bills. Hospital bills in the US do not rank as highly as other types of debt on your credit report. They also get reduced over time through various means, particularly with the bigger systems. It’s never ideal to delay paying bills but in times of desperation it’s good to know your options and the financial impact of each one.

If she is in a long term care facility or a SNF, you could be in huge financial trouble. Most long term care facilities in the US require significant collateral. It’s very common for people to use their homes for this. If he used your house as collateral for the facility, you should be aware. I know you spoke of selling the house but the facility may already be entitled to it in the event of failure to pay her bills.

You need full visibility into the financial arrangements with the facility and to speak to an attorney. It’s unlikely that someone who so blatantly disregards his spouse would then turn around and be 100% transparent on what is really going on. Please seek professional advice!

This would not happen in the UK. I have no more to offer, sorry for your situation.

2 problems here.

The medical facility that his mom in which has a team nurses care for her around the clock, that LUXURY her insurance does NOT cover. He pay it in FULL for her for the last 4 years.

The other problem,
Her ongoing prolong treatments is very expensive, they want a cosign, because they know insurance cannot pay it in full. There always Out of Pocket cost, and she has specialist that not in the network, which you be fully responsible.

What will happen to her? I guess they will go on with the treatments, but debt collector will harass her and keep harass her until they get the money, as hospital has no problem with turn medical bills to debt collection once his mom default. And his mom always default.

And he will not let debt collector harass his mom, he will pay it for her.

I compromise with him for 4 years, it now has getting to the point I told him sale the house to get the money for his mom. Because we will have hospital bills coming to us for her Dec 31st to Jan 23rd hospital stay, that 24 days in the hospital.

I don't know what else to do. I just do not want to go broke because of his mother, she not my biological mother. Sorry if that sound selfish.

But it his responsibility for care for his sick mom. Not mine.

What would happen to her if he didn't co-sign?