Where does being a good neighbour start or stop?

Bossy neighbour needs to be avoided, or if she makes pointed remarks about you helping more next time tell her that is your decision to make and you’ve made it based upon your own age and limitations then change the subject.
The couple in question sound as if they very much want to be left alone anyway, their choice no matter what the situation is, nice to just knock every so often on your way to the shops to see if they need anything, and check how they are, but otherwise let the daughter tackle this one, sounds like she is having problems but she just needs to keep on chipping away.

It’s hard, but I do think you will have to be extremely firm about helping only with one-offs/emergencies. If they can afford to pay for help, they need to do so.

I can relate, since we used to do a lot for a pair of very frail elderly neighbours who we’d known for 40 years and were very fond of, but eventually the load did become a bit much and we were still only in our 60s then. In the end their adult dcs did realise and arranged carers, who were wonderful.

But Dh used to have an old aunt like that. Had plenty of money but absolutely hated spending any of it - expected neighbours (also elderly and mostly pretty decrepit) to do it ‘for love’. Often expected dh to help, but we lived a 2 hour plus drive away, and he was still working very long hours. And I had my own mother with dementia to worry about.

Any carers he did arrange for the aunt were soon sent away - ‘Too loud, too ‘common’, you name it. But in truth she just hated having to pay.

Eventually I had one of her elderly neighbours on the phone, almost crying that they couldn’t cope any more.

She did have a cleaning lady, who was wonderful and much ‘put upon’, but the situation didn’t improve until dh finally managed to persuade her to move to a nearby care home. But that took an epic effort of the part of poor Dh!!

Thank you everyone for all your replies. I will add that the daughter has tried to put in place all the social services support she can to no avail. The couple drive everyone away and the husband is actually loaded but won't spent a penny on any kind of help. We live in a very old fashioned English village where, in the 60s & 70s, everyone helped everyone. This is what the couple believe should be happening now. Bossy neighbour is also from that generation and she is adamant that we should all be helping out. The village now buzzes with young couples who both work in the city, have children at different schools and live at a 100 mph. We are on our way out in our close of bungalows.

No, you are not being unreasonable. On the contrary, you’re being very sensible in prioritising your own welfare.

Taking in a parcel, fetching a bottle of milk, taking out/in the wheelie bins, calling 999 in the event of a medical emergency are, in the great scheme of things, just about as far as it goes………taking on a ‘carer’ role, driving to and from hospital, cleaning etc is a stretch too far IMO.

Some neighbours, and we have some around us, thrive on rallying the forces when someone’s health declines. I have helped certain people in the past who have family close by, have enough money to pay for cleaners, care, taxis etc. only to be snubbed and ignored without so much as a word of thanks even after turning out late on a winters evening to collect someone following discharge from hospital and their family weren’t available “because it was raining” !!!! 😡. To add insult to injury, the family asked me to go back to the hospital the following morning to collect medication that wasn’t ready the night before.

If the daughter has a demanding job that would go with a good wage, ie being able to pay for help.
But that is by the bye, the elderly couple aren’t getting the help they need.
It is understandable if people don’t enjoy good health not being able to chip in but if your of sound mind and body, why wouldn’t you 🤷‍♀️
I’d chip in with the housework and gardening because I’m very good at that.
We live in a close with 18 bungalows. Only 6 of those bungalows have working households.
We all chip in to help when someone needs help.

It's a fine line between being a good neighbour and taking up the slack that family would do. That neighbour who is suggesting you get actively involved perhaps has lived there for a long time and knows the very elderly person really well. Perhaps the elderly person would be mortified that their care needs was being discussed in the neighbourhood.
I think you can only offer <if> you are prepared to and <what> you are prepared to. That neighbour has crossed a line but it may be because they are concerned.

You must be firm with bossy neighbour and tell her that, although you would like to help, you have health issues yourself. You could, however, offer to add some shopping for them when you get your own or perhaps just pop in to visit occasionally for a chat but, as others say don’t start doing care or housework etc as that may stop them from getting official help.

You have done the right thing absolutely be Neighbourly if there’s a real problem or emergency
Do not get involved in the more mundane things like tidying cleaning, shopping et cetera et cetera the family must organise that for themselves or get carers, that’s definitely not for you to take on.

Yes to the comments already made. By our mid late seventies we have already given years to the care of others and may be reaching the stage where we may begin to need help

Nobody minds helping out in an emergency, taking on long term commitments is a different thing, I certainly would not want to take on long term care or transport for non relatives, thats what social services are for.

Your reaction and the advice fromAveline are exactly as I feel.
We do have an elderly neighbour with no relatives close by, daughter visits about once every 2 or 3 weeks but is in regular phone contact.
We are happy to help in an emergency and we usually ask if the is anything extra she needs at our weekend shop. DH will do little jobs like fix a light bulb or if the TV goes haywire.
Otherwise we are careful not to get too involved. We are in our early seventies and also have DHs 94 year old Mum to keep an eye on.

How difficult for you as they are your neighbours. I would not be happy to offer any other help apart from just keeping an eye out for them. I would have the daughter's phone number and ring her if there were a problem she must know about.

Ignore the other bossy neighbour's requests

Albeit she has a demanding job, the daughter must involve carers, be in touch with the GP and sort out her parents day to day life. They must have a cleaner for the cleaning. And there are volunteer groups to help with hospital runs which the daughter or bossy neighbour can organise.

You must look after your own health and well being otherwise you would end up in the same position as they are. Of course you can be kind and friendly to them.

Your reaction is understandable SpinDriftCoastal. You've done your bit for your own family. Keeping an eye out for emergencies seems fair enough. If you or the other neighbour start to cover the cracks in their ongoing care that could prevent them from getting the care that they really need.