Where does being a good neighbour start or stop?

Good news OP. You can now relax.

That's good news all round. It's good that they'll finally get the help and support that they need and that you won't feel under pressure from your other neighbour.

Good news all around! The difficult medical situation the neighbours are in is finally being resolved by Social Services who have had to step in via daughter and now son in law on scene. Can't say too much but they don't have a choice anymore as matters are now at a critical point. Of course, I will always be there in an emergency as I have been in the past but perhaps in the long run it is best for family to sort it out and they do have quite a few family members who are now stepping up.

You are not being unreasonable. Show willing to do the one off things that you easily do. You might end up needing the help that the neighbour wants this couple to have. So show goodwill and chip in as you are able. I know it's easy to bash the bossy woman but I have found that such people usually do practise what they preach and can really help out in a dire situation. X

Don't be blackmailed by fake images of how neighbours cared for each other in the past- it's all tosh.

People like this are very frustrating and difficult to deal with because I know some of them.

You can't look after others until you care for yourself first.

It is the family's responsibility and not yours.

You sound like an excellent neighbour- it sounds like they are very bad ones!

Perhaps your other neighbour, the bossy one, will help you or try to organise others to!

SpinDriftCoastal

Thank you very much everyone for your great advice. Fate has had a hand in this, too. I went to see my GP yesterday about pains I have been having and I have been diagnosed with an aging affliction which means I can't carry heavy loads or bags anymore so will need help myself. I have been told I need rest and to sit and do physio too so if anyone approaches me again, I will just tell them of my latest affliction.

Time to take care of yourself now SpinDriftCoastal

Thank you very much everyone for your great advice. Fate has had a hand in this, too. I went to see my GP yesterday about pains I have been having and I have been diagnosed with an aging affliction which means I can't carry heavy loads or bags anymore so will need help myself. I have been told I need rest and to sit and do physio too so if anyone approaches me again, I will just tell them of my latest affliction.

Stick to your guns on this one. Once you start helping others, they will think you are always available. Quite frankly, if this couple cannot manage without outside help, they need to go into a care home.

I think you said the right thing, you cannot take on the responsibility of your neighbour.

Give them an inch and they’ll take a yard, it’s human nature.

You are definitely not BU. The bossy neighbour may actually be undermining the daughter’s efforts to get this couple to accept/pay for the help they need. No doubt there will be a crisis at some point and they will have no choice.

I really have no patience with people who don’t take responsibility for themselves and think it’s fine for other people to do things for them they could be paying for.

It is not your responsibility to help out neighbours, it's up to the couple's family and the other bossy neighbour needs to mind her own business.

I had this at Christmas, a relatively new neighbour hurt their neck, and needed straws, problems drinking, I said I’d get some, and with a struggle, I did.. I’m very rocky on my feet, with back problems. Another two neighbours were demanding to know whether I’d seen her that day, one in particular I felt was a bit aggressive. I’m not my neighbours keeper, it’s all I can do to function myself!

Totally agree with Helterskelter. I had an 86 year old widowed neighbour,no family but close extended family. Another 3 neighbours and I in various ways checked in on her etcI used to bring her in food, help with tech etc. Could not get an answer at door,thought she was away on holiday. Turns out she has moved into sheltered housing! No one had courtesy to come and tell any of us! I was akey holder and emergency contact for Careline. Talk about a slap in the face!! Btw I'm 70 and happy to do my bit but...I totally agree with you,not your responsibilty and ignore your bossy neighbour's demands!

A good neighbour is one you don't know you've got till you need something.

You can't get too involved. Also, your bossy neighbour may be over stepping the mark and making assumptions. When my father was terminally ill he insisted on staying at home. Consequently we had carers 3 times a day, the district nurse once a day, shopping done online, the hospice nurse twice a week and me driving 400 mile round trips every other day to look after him and do housework etc. My brother dropped in every other day.
Despite all this activity I was still treated to a "quiet word" from a noisy neighbour who thought I should know that my father was unwell! The phone must have burned her ear off by the time I'd finished with her, it was the last thing I needed and just made a terribly tragic situation feel even worse - moral of the story - tread carefully, you may not know the half of it!

I think maybe the bossy neighbour has organised all this help years ago,and adds new folk when they move in, so its still continuity of gauranteed care and she/he reassures the couple often,its ok we'll help etc,and cemented it in the husband of the couple's head- so he's convinced now that that's how it should be and how its going to continue.So he does'nt need 'outside help' coming in(carers etc) Bossy one might also be saying, "its ok, you dont need to pay out for the help,we will take care of it" etc etc.- I may be wrong, but if they are both of same mindset, i'd bet i am correct.But either way, its not your problem, you have done your time to help others. Listen out if you hear anything from other side of wall, then leave it at that.Have any of you got an emergency alarm etc? You all need one really,even in 60's-70's etc could have a medical emergency,especially with health problems.Get one if not..I'm 62,and not bedbound,but i collapsed last year with a major heart valve problem.I am lucky in that my son still lives at home,he called 999.But if not it could have been worse.You dont have to be 90 to need help.

Maybe you should speak to their daughter again? And just tell her that the neighbourhood watch seem to have taken on all these roles- and that she needs to chat to her parents and tell her dad to either spend some money on help & care or she may have to arrange some sheltered housing for them.It might just tip the balance for him to do so,or to let social services carers in?She needs to lay it on the line for him,because his neighbours are all elderly etc as well, and communities,as a rule do not do all that anymore,like they did when he was a lad/young man.No doubt if one of this couple passed on then the daughter would have to arrange care home or sheltered housing for the one left behind,probably nearer to her.
Would they both not like to move closer to her at this time of life,while they are together?

Excellent advice above. I think I'd collapse in a heap if I was asked to help anyone else. I have a very demanding and I'll sister. Along with another friend we've just managed to get a friend with dementia into a care home. She has needed a lot of help over the last few years. She is Swedish but has lived here for decades but has no family here. Don't know if it's just my experiences but neither wanted to get outside care in, yet they both could afford it. It's been very difficult and I now have health conditions. I think it is the exhaustion. As a few have said maybe offer to take the daughter's number to call in and emergency but I'd stop at that. It's very easy to find yourself doing more and more. Best of luck. And don't let the bossy neighbour pull you into something that can end up being a huge commitment.

Everyone has the right to decide how much support they are willing and able to provide. In addition, if the couple are cognitively intact, it is their right to decide how much support they want. If they don't have someone willing and able to support them at no cost, and if their finances are such that Social Services won't cover the cost, they have the option to either buy in care and support, or live at risk without it. Either way, that's their responsibility as long as they have the ability to make that choice.

Yes,thats what i meant,exactly as SunnySusie explained- it snowballs.

Saying no is perfectly reasonable. I’d be concerned about the potential for things to go wrong, perhaps being accused of stealing if you’re handling money for them, or if you accidentally broke something while cleaning their house. Or you having an accident while in their property - do they have insurance to cover that?

Monica-Re the cards- maybe your daughter can go card shop and choose one with no verse and STILL write in her own message & things,then post it normally,or give to her gran herself,or via you.I think some card shops even stock moonpig made cards these days so obviously its the 'hand written' bit that bothers her.

As I see it the family are the ones who are now responsible and they have not asked you to help. Its nothing to do with the bossy neighbour. It seems entirely reasonable to say that you are prepared to assist in an emergency, but you have your own health challenges and cant do more. We were in the exact same situation for many years with a neighbour whose daughter lived in Australia. We were in our 50s and 60s and healthy and loved her to bits so happy to help, but what started off as popping in and doing a bit of shopping escalated over the years to being first point of call when she fell out of bed at 3am and pressed the pendant round her neck. It was a huge responsibility, extending through the Covid years and including disinfecting all her groceries and taking her for injections, to the doctor and A&E. I really dont think we could do anything like that now we are in our 70s. Unfortunately once you start, with the best will in the world it tends to become an expectation.