Is my daughter insensitive - or am I oversensitive

Understanding what you are saying both from the mother's and daughter's perspective, I just don't think the young 'get' what old age is like. My mother used to complain about this and that and say to me: You are not interested. I was juggling a busy life of a professional with children. Now I am old, I 'get' what she was saying. You just need to work within your limits. If the pain is greater than the care of your grandchildren and it poses a threat on either side, you will need to speak up and sit her down. I honestly don't think my mother was clear enough with me. She just soldiered on because that is what her war generation did. It is a difficult one.

Perhaps your daughter is upset and worried by your health, but is holding her fear for you inside to avoid upsetting you further. She can’t fix your health and must keep a stiff upper lip.
Her love and care for you is obvious from her actions. I’m so sorry you are in pain.

I try not to mention health issues to my adult daughters. They lead such stressful lives, I really don't want to give them an extra plate to spin.

Sorry OP but there seems to be a degree of attention-seeking going on for you. She’s there, she’s amiable and helpful and might see your mentions of illness as complaining. The thing about you having a cold is a case in point.
Be careful or you might find she’s not there so much when you really do need her.

I am very sorry that you have poor health and are in pain, and hope you are well enough to look after your grandchildren.
Equally I do feel you are foolish to dwell on your daughter's response and would be unwise to confront her, when the grandchildren aren't around, in case it escalates into an argument and ask her 'why is she like this with me?

This is the way she is; she has been helpful with your move, takes you to collect prescriptions et al and was briefly sympathetic towards your partner with a sudden medical problem, nothing more.
It is what she does, not what she says that counts.
Why do you feel the need to discuss it with your cousin?
Let it go and concentrate on what you do have, which is building a good relationship with your daughter.

Your daughter is not upset with you. She is upset with the pain you are having. Dont upset her in the future. Why do you want to offer her worry?

I agree with the above comments to a point but the fact is you have moved a substantial distance to be nearer to her and presumably help out with the GCs, hence her dropping them off with you when you were in pain, and it doesn’t take much to show a little sympathy.
However, no point making a thing of it because she may just have been having a bad day etc. But do consider your own wellbeing and if you are ever suffering too much pain to look after the GCs you must make that clear to her.

You seem to have taken offence from your daughter pulling a face snd looking annoyed at your pain news. Of course, you know your daughter but could you have misinterpreted her expression as uncaring? Perhaps she was expressing how horrible it must be for you by pulling that face?

Just another thought...
I have five children and one of them (after my stroke and then a hip op last autumn) became very "attentive" and mindful of my needs quite suddenly.
Now, it may be that she's realised I'm mortal or that she suddenly has had something going on in her life but I must say I am totally exhausted with her concern
😬
The regular "keep healthy" info clips, the praise for walking her sister's dog the other day, the advice to read xyz, the constant encouragement, the regular quizzing about my physio... the list is endless!

...just be careful what you wish for!

By the way, I would definitely NOT tell this daughter if I was having a bad day!

Sympathy for you though.

I feel that she obviously loves you, she was helpful with the move, taking you to places,trusts uou with her precious children and comes in with a smile and a hug!
This is great.

My (otherwise) lovely aunt was always ill it seemed and talked about it way too much.
I avoided asking her anything about it. Her husband meanwhile (who was fine but not so lovely, actually) was so infrequently ill that it would inevitably be a topic of conversation - and he would stlll brush it off.

I feel I'm with BlueBelle on this one.

I do know what pain is like as I've had arthritis since 14 and at its worst I have been in quite a state.
I say "pretty bad today" or "bearable" or "not too bad" or whatever.
If something is constant I don't think there's anything to gain by talking much about it.

Do not take it up with her. No point.
If she is made to placate you she will resent it.
She is happy to see you.
Enjoy her!

I’m afraid children can be terribly insensitive.

I have widespread osteoarthritis, every day is a struggle, some days are better than others.

I’ve had physio, try to do the exercises everyday, try to get a walk in each day, it’s just not always possible.

My kids don’t even ask how I am anymore!

If I do mention I’m having a bad day initially I see the eye rolling before a mumbled response of “oh dear”.

However, my DM also had widespread osteoarthritis and, I’m ashamed to say, I was not quite as empathetic as I could have been, though my daughter and I did do as much as we could physically for her despite us both working full time.

Once my arthritis became widespread and painful, and I also have spine issues and regular sciatica, it suddenly hit me quite what my poor DM was going through day in, day out.

It might just be that your DD simply doesn’t “get it” nor understand what a struggle it is, how fatiguing it is, how some days even the simplest tasks appear beyond us.

Maybe, when she has a little more time, share a cuppa and in simple, non-defensive terms simply explain to her how bloody awful this condition is??

Good luck and onwards and upwards, I literally feel your pain!

First of all let me say that I do understand how it feels to be on your own and suffering arthritis pain but I also feel that's important not to make it the sole topic of conversation. My own condition is inherited from my late father and he always responded when asked about his arthritis " I try not to give it the satisfaction of being talked about! " Your daughter sounds caring and has a lot on her plate but seems to have helped in lots of ways. Harsh though it sounds, sometimes you.just have to take the pain as read and just get on with it and I.know that is far from easy some days.

Franbern

Really.......This young woman (the daughter), obviously has quite a lot on her plate. OP mentions 'grandchildren' so obviously more than one young child.
What on earth was the OP expecting her to say when being told her Mother is 'in a lot of pain'? And, why on earth was that even said.
When people say 'How are you?' they are not really asking that questions and most definitely do not want some sort of list of ailments. Just a quick reply of 'Not too bad', or even 'Fine'.
The last thing most parents want is for their children to be loaded with worries about them.
To me it sounds as if this daughter is a lovely, caring person.

I couldn't disagree more. When anyone is in pain, is ill, disabled, anyone who sees them should really ask how they are feeling, and the person asked should be able to 'I am having a good day, bad day etc.' Once told the person asking should respond accordingly and tailor their behaviour to what they have been told.

DH suffers from heart failure and, at times, how he feels will be immensely variable. I ask him each morning how he feels and respond accordingly. So do our children. We lived with DD for 4 months last year during a house move. DD quickly started to start the day with an enquiry as to how he felt and behaved as needed.

I think this daughter is actually afraid that if she faces the pain and health problems her mother has, this is the first step to becoming her carer and losing someone who can provide some child care.

Perhaps she felt guilty leaving the children with you after you'd told her you were in a lot of pain when she dropped them off, but couldn't do anything else as she was going to work.

Also, children whatever their age don’t like to think parents are vulnerable. I totally agree with that statement.

My children are so used to me being permanently unwell with multiple comorbidities and just getting on with things, it has become the norm.
Because, they don't ask, it doesn't mean they don't care.
DH is never ill, but is very unwell at the moment and he is being constantly asked how he is. I am a tad jealous. 😉

Are you maybe mentioning your “health conditions” a little too often? She might be a little exasperated if you want to talk about your ailments a lot and constantly want sympathy. Sorry if that’s not the case.

My daughter ca n be like this but I’ve realised tgat she has always seen me as super woman, the one that knows/ can fix everything.
I’ve realised she can’t bear the thought that I might not always be.
Mother daughter relationships can be very complicated.

Wind up.

Really.......This young woman (the daughter), obviously has quite a lot on her plate. OP mentions 'grandchildren' so obviously more than one young child.
What on earth was the OP expecting her to say when being told her Mother is 'in a lot of pain'? And, why on earth was that even said.
When people say 'How are you?' they are not really asking that questions and most definitely do not want some sort of list of ailments. Just a quick reply of 'Not too bad', or even 'Fine'.
The last thing most parents want is for their children to be loaded with worries about them.
To me it sounds as if this daughter is a lovely, caring person.

I think unless people have suffered with your conditions, as my husband does, they have no idea of the toll the pain takes.
It’s clearly upset you so you do need to broach it, quietly and calmly.

I don’t think for a minute your daughter has inherited her father’s genes or is insensitive, just because she isn’t asking about your health and pains, whenever she visits. They are upmost in your mind because they are so horrible, but she is unable to make them better so probably doesn’t want to keep bringing it up.
She’s just been very helpful in your move and accepting you want to live nearer her Dud she want you living near her ?

I think is horrible that you have these painful illnesses but do you really want your children to be worrying about you so much I would keep a lot more of your pains to yourself or share it with someone like a friend/ partner/ counsellor . Your daughter is unable to help your pain and probably feels helpless be glad she’s nearby to pop in and you get to see your grandkids

"Also children whatever their age don’t like to think parents are vulnerable."

I think that is a very wise thing to write. I'm not saying she isn't insensitive, but fears could also be present. She simply may not know how to handle it and is trying to "make up" in the only way she knows.

You are not over sensitive however.

Though not thought

Some people have little empathy. It’s how they are made. She has obviously got your ex husband’s genes. She can’t help it. She loves you but doesn’t really know how to show it. I have a son like this. I’ve got used to it. We can’t change people thought we’d like to. Also children whatever their age don’t like to think parents are vulnerable.