Family don't pitch in and help

Say you’ve got a brilliant idea “ you take it in turns to host family gatherings”! On a rota style as you are finding it very difficult to host all family gatherings everytime without any help and stress that you do work full time!
Be honest (and if the back out, last minute do not step in)
Sometimes for your own self help and families sanity you have to be cruel to be kind!
Good luck

the same happens to me. I orepare all the food, do all the washing up afterwards. When I did ask one sister to help her response was a firm no with the justification that she doesn't do anything when she's on holiday! This happened even when she once stayed for a week. My advice is STOP!

I’m thinking, do you have the biggest house with the most space, that’s why they expect you to do it every time.

Thinking about family gatherings that my kids go to ( I don’t go as it’s their dad’s side of the family and we divorced a longtime ago) they don’t particularly want to go to them, especially as some of them work out quite expensive. It seems to be the person organising it that wants the event to take place. I’m not saying that this is necessarily always the case; I don’t have family of my own so I’m just an outsider looking in at these events. At the same time, I do point out to my kids that they’re lucky to have family and it’s important to make the effort to link up with everyone occasionally and appreciate that they do have relatives.

Allocate them jobs ahead of the day. ' I will supply the cheese and a potato salad and 2 bottles of wine. We need the rest of you to supply the following'. And if you end up with cheese, potato salad and 2 bottles of wine between 10, well that is their problem.

At the end of the event you ask 'Who will host the next event on the same basis?' and if no one volunteers, the event doesn't take place.

When your family mention having a get-together just say that you've done it for X amount of years and it's someone else's turn to host..
And stick to your guns...

I know that feeling Aveline - I have friends who can pump out a spread for 25 from seemingly empty cupboards almost by magic while I am still looking for something to cook.

But everyone can help with clearing up and washing up.

I think the only answer here is to explore the cost of party platters as suggested and ask everyone for their share towards them a few weeks in advance. You may find they are not interested in paying the price.

I think my only answer to someone who told me to shop for them is 'I'm not your servant. When I say I am short on time it means I am short on time.'

So try doing what they suggested, buy an expensive dish (seafood platter?) and give them the receipt and ask for the money.

Don’t invite them! Simple!

I just refused to host these any more as I said I was too tired to keep doing it. Family soon pitched in and started hosting at their places… I like to help them out but it just got too much for me.

M and S do lovely pre ordered party platters. Everyone to share in the cost.

Next time an event is suggested why don’t you say “Let all go out somewhere instead?” You could then take the opportunity to to say nicely that it’s all getting a bit much for you these days. Do make sure though that the bill gets split equally and perhaps you could all contribute a little more and pay for your parents. Just a thought.

I know I used to sit back and let my sister organise and run our family parties and events. I feel and felt guilty about it but it was very difficult to try to take them over myself. The problem was that she is extremely good at catering and organising (and is very bossy). When I have organised eg Christmas lunch for everyone it wasn't nearly as nice or as well done as she did it despite my really best efforts. Even my husband complained that it wasn't as good.
Maybe the OP is a bit like my sister ie a tough act to follow?

As the old saying goes, if you want something done give it to a busy person. This sounds like your situation. I would simply not do it next time. You don't need to say anything just do something else with your husband when the expectations arrive. Go to a nice hotel, spa, weekend away and enjoy the time together. The others will soon get the hint. Find an excuse and let them think about it.

So some advantages to having a small spread out across the world family after all!

I used to have my family for dinner often. Less often nowadays because it's damn tiring with menu planning, shopping and cooking.
I do delegate by asking someone to set the table, someone to serve the drinks, others clear the table and load the dishwasher.

Friends occasionally issue dinner invitations but much more commonly here in BC, Canada it's a potluck or a restaurant.

There's no discussion about what to take to a potluck. People just turn up with a dish. It's relaxed and always seems to work.

For restaurant meals, everyone pays their own bill. Simple.

If invited to someone's house for a meal the polite response is along the lines of "I will bring a dessert or a salad or a cheese board".

With a family that doesn't pitch in and help, I'd be included to go to a restaurant where they each pay their own bill. (No faffing about dividing the total cost amongest them all)

Good Luck!

Maybe they aren't all that keen on the gatherings in the first place? I hate parties. I'll go if invited, more just to support the host or from a sense of duty, but it's really not my thing. That said, I'll do something if asked and help at the party, but they really aren't something I view as necessary or wanted. Maybe some of your relatives are the same?

I remember when my mum handed over Christmas Day and all that went with it to me. She was a lot younger than I am now and I am still happy to do it all. Mum had obviously had enough.

Paper plates, plastic glasses, paper napkins, etc etc. Cold party food from a supermarket. Drinks from a supermarket. Divide the bill.

Black sacks at the end of the evening. Hire a cleaner to clean your sitting room and kitchen after the event. Split the bill

Tell them all beforehand that is what is happening thid time.

I would suggest one of two things (apart from refusing to be responsible for the events)
1. Draw up a specific list of the same number and comparable expense/preparation required for the adult households attending.
If anything isn’t covered - it isn’t provided. And if that means drinks or puddings or the main course- so be it.
2. Suggest you all go to a pub or restaurant and divvy up the bill on a strict per capita basis.
Do NOT offer to get things on behalf of others or to fill any gaps or they simply will not get the message.
You could I suppose invite each household to bring their own food/plates/cutlery/glasses and then you would not even have the washing up to do.
Be firm, be explicit or simply walk away and leave it to “somebody” else.

Shel1951

Is it possible when they suggest it you could answer,,,Brilliant I would love to come,when are you doing it?

Ha ha love this - I will try it !

Is it possible when they suggest it you could answer,,,Brilliant I would love to come,when are you doing it?

Again, in this good weather, why not do something different and arrange to meet outside and have a picnic. Everyone bring something ( the lazy relatives told to buy something themselves to the meeting point). All share the expense.
Best of luck!

* We tried asking each person to bring one of two items to contribute but was told - oh just buy them and we will give you the money.*

Do just that. Buy an large readymade COLD buffet of "bits" from Iceland (or other downmarket source) and provide paper plates and napkins, disposable glasses . Cheap booze. Remind them all that "like you suggested" they owe you £20 per head .

I feel your pain Dancing Duck. Over the last 20 years the majority of family events seem to fall on me to organise.

It has been mainly down to my MIL who is very elderly now. She likes to see the family together. It has now dwindled down to four us us who live locally but can go up to 10 when relatives come from further afield.

It is mainly barbeques. In fairness, we are the only ones with a garden but I end up doing everything - shopping, paying, preparing, clearing up. My DH does the actual barbequing.

I also work full time. In the past we have had significant anniversaries (when my FIL was alive) and significant birthdays. It has always seemed to fall on us to step up on the day.

I have decided to just suck it up these days as I am constantly told that my MIL won't be around for much longer. They have been saying this for the last ten years!!

I do care about them but it would be nice to feel appreciated occasionally