Expectations of grandparents

It takes two to tango. Tolerating your daughter’s rude and unkind behaviour isn’t going to change anything.

Put your own oxygen mask on first! Tell her you’ve had enough of her spiteful bullying behaviour and she has the forthcoming autumn term to make alternative arrangements some or all of the time. High time she grew up, took responsibility for parenting her children and learned to budget on what she has available, just like countless other single parents of challenging children have to cope.

If you don’t look after your own health you may be heading for an early demise and she’ll have to manage then.

TikTok actresses aren’t real life, delete the app and as long as basic hygiene is in place, you can choose exactly how you wish to dress. If it means you’re still in pyjamas at lunchtime and uncombed hair in a ponytail, if you’re at home all day, so what? How DARE your entitled daughter criticise? Shouldn’t she be the one hearing some home truths about her attitude?

I’m so sorry!
5 mins away! 🤷‍♀️💐

Goodness I’m so so sorry. I don’t blame you for feeling as you do! 💐

Agree!

🙄🙄🙄 I get it! I really do. 🤷‍♀️
I’ve been thrown on the dung heap and I’m feeling very cross! Did it all as you have and now I’m very unwell no one bothers!
We must toughen up. They need to manage on their own. Let them see life can be really hard. 💐

How did it ever come to this? The whole situation is so sad. Absent father who won’t pay towards his kids. What an absolute mess. Your daughter needs you, badly. I get that. But your feelings (and bank balance) are more than hurt.

You need to talk to each other. Sharpish.

Sorry OP, while I totally disagree with the crap that the woman on TikTok was spouting, I simply cannot understand Mother's who do everything for their grown up children, let alone give them their money to their own detriment.

It's time to be firm with your daughter, as if you suddenly died, or became severely ill, who would do everything for her then? Also, I can virtually guarantee that if you did become severely ill, SHE will NOT the one running around making life easier for YOU, and anything that she might do will be done with a tut or a sigh.

You need to realise that your daughter is an ADULT, and as such she needs to take responsibility for her own life, AND that of the children she CHOOSE to bring into this world, and stop mollycoddling her. By all means do a bit of babysitting if YOU want to, but if you're tired, or busy and she doesn't show you how much she appreciates what you do do for her, then pull back, as she needs to learn how to be a grown up NOW, before you get to old to run around after her.

I mean this in the best way possible.
She has no respect for you. I know that sounds glib but that’s what it comes down to.
But why would she. She says jump, you ask how high.
She’s bullying you. But what does a bully not like? Being slapped ( meterphorically speaking).
Give her a verbal slap next time she comes it with the bullying.
Just keep that up until she realises the worm has turned.

I’m afraid that being taken for granted by our children to look after their children and give up some of our retirement time is something that this generation expects from us. I won’t say all my children are doing this but I have one that thinks a job, marriage, mortgage and 2 young children is a fashion accessory. They want it all but on their terms. They still want their nights out, they still want their hobbies but we have to stop for them.
They only seem to contact us when they want something. We’re suppose to drop any of our plans to accommodate them and they assume when we visit we bring gifts and pay for the takeaway because they do not know or want to cook a decent meal. I didn’t go back to work when I had mine, I stayed with them at home till they went to school and they had a proper meal everyday. We didn’t have a lot of money but we managed. Unfortunately my son married someone who didn’t get the same qualities offered to them and I dread the visits. I feel sorry for my grandchildren because anything I try to show them only happens with me. When they’re at home, there’s no structure, just a mess to live within.

The more you give , the more she takes . Your post just screams out that you are done , overwhelmed and exhausted . Maybe you just need to sit down and be quite firm as to what you are happy to do going forward but right now you need a rest, physically and emotionally. It's just too much
Grandparents are entitled to have a life of their own , their own careers, money , social life and holidays .They are not to be used as banks and 24hr homehelps and childcare. If you don't reduce the hours you give you will grow to hate your daughter and resent your Grandchildren . Sit her down and have the talk . Be firm . Come on , shoulders back , you can do it .

Agree with Misadenture! How ungrateful and disrespectful. I would be so hurt if either of my daughters' treated me like this

Find one of those "I can do it all" or mum tip pages and send that to her perhaps?

Do less, look after yourself more. Be less available, telling her "not today, getting my hair/nails/feet done"

financially "sorry, got a bill to pay, perhaps next month" next time she asks for money, and if you are paying regular bills for her by DD, then tell her you need to pay in less because your bills have gone up.

People only treat you the way you allow them to. Her vision of the help a grandmother should provide is delusional. You deserve a life too. I’m afraid in your situation if I had been shown TikTok videos I would have walked away and refused further help. She’s taking you for a mug.

I have one word to say - BOUNDERIES!

Just tell her they are all AI and not real people!!! If she isn’t happy with everything you’ve sacrificed, maybe just be less available and do things for yourself!
Can I ask why are adverts popping up on the reply tab, adverts everywhere? Gransnet please stop them now

Hello jenpax. I sympathise with your whole family. Your daughter is clearly overwhelmed and possibly very unhappy. She maybe feels that she cannot control her life and the children in her situation and she is taking her anger and frustration out on you, which is unfair and counter productive. Are you doing so much childcare so that she can work? Ferrying three children to different settings is time consuming. Can the children be in a nursery/school setting where that is easier? Then of course wrap around care would fall to you. However you would then have some quiet time during the day, which would leave holiday cover that you and she could share. As a working single parent there are more childcare allowances. If you become a registered carer there may be avenues for financial help.
Does your daughter get time to go to a hobby or excise class or out for a walk to relax.
I suggest you post on mumsnet perhaps sort out the questions and post each on the relevant forum. Lots of support there especially, money, childcare and other practical advice.
You feel intimidated/blackmailed by the situation I think. Once that starts it can be tricky to reassert yourself.
Make lists of problems and questions to break the issue into chunks that you can try to tackle.
I wish you well because the love that is there deep down needs to come back into the light.

Tenko

Don’t believe anything you see on SM . It’s not real life ? Just an influencer after likes and clicks . Return the link to your DD with laughing and eye roll emojis.

THIS!
I'm very involved with my Daughter and Grandchildren. Have looked after them both since the youngest was 8 months old.
Now both in school but pick up 4 nights a week. Also we are the 'go to Grandparents' for any other babysitting needs etc as the other set do none. My Daughter will often tag me in skits etc but i just reply 😂 or point blank say they are your children.
We have also helped with money and regularly buy the children clothes to help out. It can cause disagreement between myself and DH as he's not as soft as i im.
I wouldn't put up with disrespectful comments however

Don’t believe anything you see on SM . It’s not real life ? Just an influencer after likes and clicks . Return the link to your DD with laughing and eye roll emojis.

Start by coming off TikTok. I can’t see the video without signing in and I don’t intend to do that.

I am glad you are finally reaching your limit.

You cannot change others, just yourself.

Change your expectations about your DD, you will not get the thanks you want from her.

We just took our 2 grandchildren on a Disney cruise. Apparently I’m not allowed to take my granddaughter on holiday again because I didn’t do her hair properly! Not only did we buy them a house, a car, furniture. The other gran vapes around her! I’m sick to death of it.

I would return the too tok link she sent you accompanied by a row of laughing emojis and behave as if she’s joking.

IMHO you are being bullied into supporting your DD to the limits of your finances and capacity. I appreciate that you wanted to vent about the Tik Tok video but that person is not you. I’d refuse to look at it/ them in future.
Your story makes me wonder how your DD would cope if you lived far away or had already passed. I’m sorry but given the information you have shared, in order to save your health and sanity, it’s time to take a step back, even if it’s something around your age and health. Set boundaries.

You are undervalued and overused! Your daughter needs a short, sharp shock into how valuable your contribution is to her family. Book a holiday and leave her to it for a week. You have allowed your valuable services to become the norm, the expected addition to help her out. I took have grandchildren that I have taken to and collected from school, cooked their supper, supervised their homework, taken to their clubs etc etc. I have never not been effusively thanked, I have never been taken for granted & my children have always told me that when I'm in charge my rules take precedence.

I gave my daughter twelve years of daily childcare, cleaned her chaotic house, baked a thousand cakes. I rarely got thanked or included in outings and one year not even a card for my birthday.
Covid stopped my involvement (I was old and vulnerable) and I’ve seldom seen daughter or grandchildren since. They live five minutes away.
If we are not perfect grannies, nor can our daughters be perfect either.