Gransnet forums

AIBU

Page 1 of 1
Flip | Customise

Feel I am being used.

(8 Posts)
Add comment | Report
nanafish Mon 31-Aug-26 10:36:51

My partner has lived with me for about four years. We have had a relationship for over 35 years, I guess it was an affair initially but when my huspand died he remained at his flat, for another 2 years or so. After a mild heart attack and stent surgery, he lived with me, at this time he also gave up his job, too much stress etc. His mum was also getting old and needed more help. Basically we decided he would live with me, and rent out his flat to give him an income. we had always dreamed that one day we would live together, so I dont understand why I feel used. He pays me a little rent and we share food. He visits his mum every day and I guess I have a problem with that, she also calls day and night with 'issues' she may have. I feel he is able to tend to her every need because he doesnt work, and lives with me .. its all very convenient. He still calls his flat ;home; and all his bank and finances, passport etc are registered there. I feel once his mum goes and he inherits a wadge, he will head back home,.. he says he loves me and that wont happen, but I just feel I am being used. AIBU

Add comment | Report
Fairislecable Mon 31-Aug-26 11:00:18

Perhaps you would feel less used if you also benefitted from his financial gains.

You should receive at least half that he receives in rent and any costs to running your home should be split.

This would then be a fairer distribution.

Add comment | Report
Astitchintime Mon 31-Aug-26 11:09:16

Personally, I think, if he’s living in your home he should be paying 50% of everything……….water, gas, electricity, broadband, rent, food, replacing appliances etc.
Also, if he has a driving licence the address registered with the DVLA must be the address that he resides at.

Add comment | Report
Greenfinch Mon 31-Aug-26 11:12:45

I don’t think you are happy with the situation as it stands and so you need to speak up or else you will become more resentful as time goes on.

Add comment | Report
butterandjam Mon 31-Aug-26 11:28:10

Fairislecable

Perhaps you would feel less used if you also benefitted from his financial gains.

You should receive at least half that he receives in rent and any costs to running your home should be split.

This would then be a fairer distribution.

Congratulations, you've turned into his unpaid housekeeper / skivvy /provider.

Its time to tell him living together is not working for you, and he needs to go back to his own place.

When he argues to stay, just keep repeating " It's not working for me I want to live on my own ."

If he feels lonely he could always go and live with his Mother. He's probably sponging off her too.

Add comment | Report
AGAA4 Mon 31-Aug-26 11:39:47

It does seem that for most of 35 years he has lived on his own and only moved in with you when he had a heart attack.
This is him looking after himself now he feels more vulnerable. If you feel used now it will become worse as time goes on.
Having his mother so much involved in his life will rankle with you too.
Is this situation really working for you.? Put your own needs first. This man is definitely looking after himself.

Add comment | Report
Lathyrus3 Mon 31-Aug-26 11:43:26

Living with some always work. I know. I’ve tried it.

He probably wont be able to get possession of his home niw, with the new legislation otherwise Id say go back to what did work before.

So if he us staying you must negotiate a much more equitable arrangement, financially and workload.

His mum? You might have to look on that as the hobby that mist men seem to need ti occupy themselves!

Add comment | Report
Cossy Mon 31-Aug-26 11:47:41

Maybe some of you missed the “I guess it was an affair” comment.

So whilst still married you carried on with someone else til your husband died? Now you feel you’re being used?

Don’t like your situation, change I and ask him to leave.

I’m being very harsh, but frankly I don’t have much sympathy for either of you.

Page 1 of 1
Flip | Customise