My husband and Asperger's

I didn't mean to say that your GS was like other children in everything, jend, only that my experience of intelligent kids (who have not been statemented as ASD) is that they ask questions and flit between subjects in the way you described.

That's my grandson, iam64. The only food he likes which is mixed is pizza, but it has to be Dr Oetke's with green bits. We have just managed to get him onto Pizza Express without green bits.
He will not eat sandwiches unless they are tuna without mayonnaise, a problem when you take him out. He will eat salad providing you separate the bits.
Bags, he has been statemented since he was four when he started school and could not speak at all. He screamed very loudly at other children's noise though, and was a useful tool for the teacher, "We don't want to upset ......, do we?" They were a very well behaved class. So no, he is not like other children.
In fact he is very unlike many autistic children in that he is very tactile. He will cuddle his teachers, and is allowed to because that is the way he behaves. His head teacher cried at the leaving ceremony because she will miss him so much. She said he is the child who has progressed the most in the time he has been there.
He now says that he likes the high school better than the primary school because he knows what to do, but the first two weeks he went to school with tears in his eyes every day because it was too noisy for him.
He also says he wishes he was dead so he could see Grandad. I know many children would say things like that, but it's difficult when it's every other time you see him, and you have to explain that if he was dead he would not be able to do things with us all the time. This has been at least once a week for over a year.

I have a friend whose son is on the spectrum. He is highly intelligent - at maths, physics and so on - and when he was in sixth form studying for his 6(!) A levels, the head of sixth form phoned them up to say she was concerned that he never did any homework. 'Oh but he does, three or four hours a night' she said. So, they had the conversation and it emerged that although he had been told to do his homework, he had not been told to hand it in.

When our autistic grandson was young, he wouldn't eat if the different food items on his plate had touched each other. He disliked cottage pie, stews etc. When he'd taken the boys out for the day, my husband suggested they each choose lunch from the buffet at the cafe. Our autistic grandson chose a white bread sandwich with beef. When he opened it, there was 'stuff' in it. Husband said never mind, get another one. That's exactly what he did, and was so upset when it also had 'stuff' on it.

Yes All, thank you for this thread. I've learnt a lot.
A figure was mentioned on TV a couple of days ago of a few thousand people with autism in the UK. I can't remember how many but it did seem very low and I think it was way out, as there must be thousands of undiagnosed adults around.
(Hope you soon sell your house Specki. Very soon)

My brother in law and his son both have aspergers and it has been very difficult for them. As a youngster my b-i-l was always in trouble with the police because no-one knew about it. Fortunately it is a little better for his son who HAS been statemented but not a lot. He went to a mainstream school and was used by his 'friends' and always in trouble with the police. The police were so badly trained for such cases they did not even know he should have a responsible adult with him! Most of the time he looks and sounds normal just a bit insular and possibly rude.

My husband really does not understand his brother and gets cross when he doesn't follow my OH's suggestions. I felt early on there was something unusual but didn't know what because my first introduction was him sitting under the table playing the witches hat game; there he stayed for the whole weekend other than to go to bed. Presumably my visit was the disturbing factor. He married but sadly it ended in divorce and it was only his son's diagnosis which made people aware of his problem.

Now bil lives alone training to be a life coach! His son lives well away at a special home for young adults with learning difficulties and is getting a certain level of help at last but he is 17.

Thank you for this thread because it has hugely increased my level of understanding and I will try to pass this on.

Some of us have personality traits which could be difficult for others but we have insight into them and try to prevent them becoming a source of annoyance. As I live alone, my mild OCD harms nobody and I am able to give up my obsession with walking when I have visitors who do not or cannot share it. (Their company is well worth it).
I did find it difficult when I had to live with four of the messiest people in the world and ended up doing all the chores - the oft-repeated comment was 'You want it clean, you clean it'.
I know that in the past I was sometimes slow to pick up on non-verbal signals, but my daughter tells me I have improved with age. Well, I suppose being more tactful is one advantage of getting older!

Bags - thanks. I agree with you, and that's one of the points I was making. Many of us have similar personality traits, but aren't on any spectrum. My husband and his group of close friends have in common a desire to collect for example, books on particular subjects, maps can never be disposed of as they are 'beautiful things', old school reports, essays, theoretical books on whatever their area of special interest (tee hee) may be, need I go on. Many people experience episodes of anxiety or depression, but manage to continue to work, look after themselves/their families. I'm attempting to say, that it's when people are outside that broad norm, that diagnosis will hopefully help

I know from my experience with dyslexic children and adults that being given the diagnosis (or label) was a huge relief for many of them. They had been told by some ignorant teachers and/or parents, that they were stupid or naughty.

I wasn't really suggesting that, iam, but I can see that my post could be seen to imply that. The thing is, a lot of the less extreme behaviours of children diagnosed as being on the autisitic spectrum are very common in children who haven't been diagnosed as being on it and who never will be.

I agree that labels can be useful especially when they get a child the support it needs. In educational circles I thought that's why the labels were used. It's a signal to education authorities channel some extra and appropriate funds into the child's school, for instance – often in the form of extra staff.

I agree with jendurham about the potential benefits of diagnosis, especially in the school setting. It's also currently helpful to my grandson who is on the spectrum, and bright, but socially pretty inept. He is trying to find a job, and thankfully because he was statemented, the job centre folks are aware of his diagnosis.

Bags. if you were suggesting that we can get too hung up on diagnosis these days, and that intelligence levels and personality also contribute to behaviour, then I agree with you. I sometimes feel that a diagnosis of anxiety/depression/bi polar/asd /add etc is seen by some as excusing the individual of any responsibility for their behaviour.

I thought all intelligent kids did that – the question asking. And if they don't understand your answer, ask again, or tell you straight out that they don't know what you're talking about. And the moving on from one topic to another...

Not trivialising, Specki, but sometimes it's easier to remember the funny aspects because otherwise you would cry.
Greatnan, I do praise my grandson's running and so does his dad, but his dad is a football fanatic and has done FA coaching courses. Unfortunately the football matches often coincide with the parkruns which they both do. Football wins.
On Saturday, they both went to the Sunderland/Man Utd. match at Sunderland, having got tickets from the school for the Sunderland end. Sunderland scored first. My son could contain his Man Utd. partisanship. Grandson apparently had tears rolling down his face.
One of the good things about people being statemented or having a label is that more people are coming into contact with people on the autistic spectrum. When my grandson was younger, it was awful going shopping with him because he would always cry if he heard a baby cry, and we had to take him out of the shop. You could see others looking at you as if you were being horrible to him making him howl. When you go shopping with someone who does not know about this, they always say afterwards that they will think twice when they hear a child crying in a store. But it would take forever to expose other people to enough instances to make everyone empathetic.
My grandson has always spoken politely to grown-ups, or at least he has since he could talk at 6 years old,but grown-ups do not know how to respond to him because they are not used to 7 year old or 9 year old children asking them grown up questions. They then realise that something is not quite right because he then asks another question which either they have just answered or is on an entirely different topic as if he has not heard the answer. It's because he does not understand the answer.

He could also be very inappropriate in his sermons and to members of the congregation, that is probably why he was 'sacked' by the Methodist Church.
His congregation, of course, would not have realised it was not his fault.

Jen - we share the kitchen which is where the dresser is. Our separation is politely amicable and since we have the house on the market, its important that it's kept spick and span. And I don't dust - I have help, but he classes her as my responsibility. A woman's work ..you know the theme!
My late and unlamented MIL who, I now believe, also fell within this syndrome was the epitome of thoughtlessness. She would loudly proclaim people to be 'common' and 'tarts' and when reprimanded say, "well they need to know". She was obsessed with tidying, her health, religion and sending and receiving cards. She would send cards to people and then be offended if they didn't call her to thank them for the card. So she would then call them and say, "did you get my card" - every day! She counted all the cards she received at Christmas, Easter and on her birthday and telephoned us all every day to tell us the updated tally. She once bought me a cake knife for my birthday and wrote in my card "knife on its way". I am not joking but its making me laugh to recall it!
I'm sorry, I'm trivialising but as Sue Hepworth has confirmed, there are aspects of this syndrome which are sometimes quite hilarious.

I know that feeling of not thinking of the right reply to something that takes you aback until it's too late, flowerofw. I've been closely associated with several people on the autistic spectrum and it can be tricky, but as you say, you have to balance the interesting and fun parts with the awkwardnesses

That bags, at the time we didn't realise that he had Aspergers, it was only after working with people on the Autistic Spectrum that I realised. I thought he was just being thoughtless and rude. I didn't even think about my son's septic throat until I had arrived home. Now I am much more forgiving and always give people the benefit of the doubt. That was a long time ago and we remained firm friends to the day he died. Comments like "Oh there you are, I was just asking B where his fat wife was" and other similar comments have been answered with a gentle reminder that it is unkind to say these things. He accepted it and we miss him so so much. He a was funny, eccentric, highly intelligent and loving friend, our life was so much richer for him being there.

My grandson has often said very hurtful things to all the family, and we try to remember that he does not intend them to hurt. He simply has no insight into the way other people feel. When I have said to him, very gently, that I have found his remark hurtful, he has been mortified and very sorry.
JenD - it sounds as if your son has some problem in accepting his son's behaviour. Would it be possible for you to praise the running to the skies in the hope that he gets the message?

Why didn't you tell him it was the boy's septic throat? Especially as he wasn't trying to upset you, only to "helpfully" state what he thought was a fact.

A wonderful, eccentric and annoying friend of ours announced to me in a midnight phone call that he had been reading an article in the Independent and had decided that he had 'caught' Aspergers!!! I informed him that as far as I was concerned he hadn't caught it but had always had it. We loved him to bits but his outlandish remarks sometimes put me out.

eg We had shared a holiday cottage in Scotland, my, then 8 year old, had a very bad bout of tonsulitus. I was in his small room reading a bedtime story when the door was flung open and A stepped in to say goodnight. He made a quick retreat. On the way home from out holiday we all stopped at a 'greasy spoon' for a snack. A sidled up to me and quietly said 'I don't want to upset you but I think your sphincters may have collapsed' 'What?' I said, startled, 'Well' said 'A' 'When I came into say goodnight to the little one last night there was the most dreadful smell and I thought that as you have had 5 children you may have a problem with your sphincter' He was really serious and concerned. I held it in til I reached our car and burst into tears. My DH was shocked when I told him. I did write to A telling him how offended I was by his remarks. He replied a week or so later with a heart rending letter. (The smell, by the way, was my little boy's septic throat)

He was a minister and also had an obsession with stealing irises from any garden he passed. Again at around midnight I received a phone call from a distressed A. He said, Can you help me I have asked for help from Him above but no answer. I said What is the problem. Well, said A, I am standing here in full camaflage outfit with a balaclava and a penlight torch. I was horrified, What are you doing? He replied that earlier that day he was going on his ministerial duties and had seen a beautiful iris in a garden. He couldn't take it as he would normally would. Apparently he pushed gates to see if the squeaked or nipped through the hedge. This one was in the garden of the local constabulary. I tried to disencourage him but he did the deed.

Many more anecdotes of his peculiar behaviour. He sadly died last November, he didn't keep up his radiotherapy treatment as he knew best.

We love him and really miss him.

Specki, why are you still doing his dusting for him if you live in separate parts of the house?
I have lived with my grandson, who is autistic, and know the problems of not listening, not doing what you ask him to do, not being able to understand. He came home from school saying, "I don't care" lots of times then asking me "What does I don't care mean?"
He's 11. You expect people to know when they are 11. It makes you realise how much you take for granted.
He is in a football team, managed by his dad, who gets annoyed when his son just runs up and down keeping to the exact pace of the person he is supposed to be shadowing. He is the fastest kid in his team if he just runs, but does not have any idea of competition. Although he gets really upset every time they lose. whatever he learns in practice his son has usually forgotten by the time the match comes around.
It really hurts me to watch my son trying to change his son, knowing that whatever happens, he is unlikely to change. I want to tell him to give up on the football and concentrate on the running as it would probably make them both feel happier. But I can't say so, because it would be interfering.
I also know what it is like to bring my husband round out of a hypo and know that he does not remember a thing about what has been happening for the previous two or three hours. That has happened twice in my life and it's scary. To have it happen on a regular basis, like once a week as happened with my husband, must be terrifying.

Tegan you are quite right, I would and I have - in spades! One of his obsessions is his health and he contrives to make very regular visits to his GP and other health professionals and is thrilled to bits when he gets a prize comes back with a prescription. The medication is then carefully laid out on the dresser in chronological order and woe betide me if it gets moved during dusting.

I could be wrong here but I reckon that, if her husband had a physical condition she would stick by him but the fact that he is perfectly capable of looking after himself [but making her life hell in the meantime] means that she has to walk away for the sake of her own health. Was having a conversation with someone yesterday who said how many of their peer group had men having mid life crises and leaving their wives [age 40-50] and I said I think thats the case but women seem to realise enoughs enough when they get older [maybe when the relationship becomes one more of friendship and companionship?].

speckie Power to your elbow here. You have done the right thing!

Gadabout & Iam thank you for you very kind and comforting support and yes, I agree about this blog being one of the most helpful and interesting ones, with many posts by clearly well-informed people. One can always detect an intelligent post/blog when, amongst other clever gransnetters, you see GreatNan pop up with a wise comment!

MaureenM so sorry about your Mum and your thoughtless friend. When my parents died within six months of each other, I too detected that some people avoided either me, or the subject. I think her response (or lack of it) falls within the bracket of fairly common human behaviour. You clearly enjoy her friendship and that is worth so much.