My heart goes out to you, your life puts my problems into the shade. Don't despair things can only get better.

HELLO contributors. I need your help. Would you be kind enough to let me have your thoughts on a new business my husband and I are researching?

Think personal assistant, concierge or just a trustworthy and reliable person you could call for almost any day to day task you might need help with. From paperwork chaos, form filling and writing letters, making important phone calls, helping you access the Internet to pay bills and buy goods and get the best deals for insurance gas and electricity, organising household jobs from cleaning gardening to mainteance and repairs. We would be your eyes and ears and there to support you in later life making sure you are not paying over the odds and have someone in your corner if needed.

You will always be in control , we will just be a facilitator. You may be a relative that lives away need someone to call in an emergency to look in on Mum or Dad.

We are professionally qualified people have run our own property business for many years, live locally and want to make a difference in our community. We plan to change where we can for a fixed fee and for other tasks on an hourly basis.

What would you be prepared to pay for such a service?
Do you think its a good idea?
What support would you like?

Any feedback would be much appreciated. We want to provide what you want and need.
Thank you for your time

hi to you all. have read all your blogs, most of you sound in your late forties of 50s; I speak of having been there - coped to a fair degree, with bouts of depression nearly always in winter or spring; those days were often full of happiness as with birth of g/children (9 in all)
but life throws us pains, we have to manage them! our parents were there for us when small -put up with our tantrums, bad days, they coped with their aged folk, after suffering the war years of deprivation!
then as our parents came into `unable to care for themselves' age, so also did the care homes; which I feel were the post product of the work house;
few lived out the end of their lives with kin; most went into these horrible often cruel places, no love, companionship was forced on them by need, visits from loved ones grew less with time; lack of family routines and buzz of life from younger ones, caused them to retreat -go into a comatose state, just waiting for death!
I am there at the door of what next- not `well off ' enough to be proud of choice, each of my family have busy lives only one DD and hubby have room for us, but they too are on the whats next at 50+60yrs plus they live abroad; I know I could not stand living in a `home' even with ones own room, tv, tea facilities, just not for me ! but if I could have such as a granny flat, yes, yes please
and sooner rather than later!!
life gets tougher not easier, deafness, memory loss aches, pains , these make us poor company, for often they dominate ones daily life!
but one has to fight these things best way we can! also we see the comforts that these last 40yrs have given our children and grand children! so so much easier than our days - the frozen terry nappies hanging on the line !!

Clutter - dear ethelbags and elegran lovely to read your correspondence on clutter.

My brother and I had a year to clear my mother's house with items belonging to family ancestors dating from the 1800's.

I bought standard cardboard boxes. We set aside a room for relatives living in USA one for Australia. form some years relatives had pasted labels on undersides of furniture etc for what they wanted.

The books I put in boxes according to the owner's name so that members of the nearest relative's family could have them. If not named they went to charity as a bookseller had told my brother they were not worth much.

10 years later I would have checked this on the internet and put any book worth £15 or more into a box for sale perhaps on e bay.

Once everything was sorted we got charities like Oxfam to come and take bedding, kitchen utensils etc and then finally paid for clearance.

My sister and I are now trying to locate places like libraries, museums where they would like some of our relatives stuff. We are also scanning photos, locating obituaries and writing histories of each person so that they can be published in a modern album format.

As a result of all this my own stuff following my retirement is not sorted, with the result my husband complains that I am a clutterer. I'll take this point up another time. I am not using cardboard boxes any longer but see through plastic ones from Dunelm. If as I sort I have to buy more I get smaller ones as I can no longer lift heavy boxes.

I have had the experience of looking after my father in law whilst husband was retired and I was working and looking after my mother after my retirement. Before that visiting mother and father every month for 10 years or more (500mile return journey)

My mother looked after her mother when grandpa died. Grand mother had chronic cardiac failure and died one night when on holiday with us. Then mother looked after grandma's older sister. She died one night at home when I was on holiday at guide camp. Then after 60 years of marriage my mother looked after my father with a full-time housekeeper in his last year, following discharge from hospital.

My mother though frail was stable, she enjoyed company, so I took her on holidays, the pair of us insured by Saga. She died at my home after her 100th birthday. I have found that now my home is full of memories of people who have passed away - my father in law, my mother. This has left me more aware of the short span of life I have left.

I am most impressed by an older friend of mine who became a widow early. She downsized, then tried living with a group of friends in a jointly shared old Edwardian house. When this arrangement did not work, she got a house of her own again, in town on a hill, with a marvellous view. Finally she was unable to drive her car so she found a flat for sale in sheltered accommodation overlooking a canal and near to the railway station. She promptly changed the kitchen, bathroom and the French windows onto her 2nd floor balcony so that she could enjoy the outdoor feel and be as independent as possble. However, she had a very distressing time when the warden asked her for her opinion of the decorations and pictures in the common areas. There was a proposal to refurbish one of the lounges. My friend gave her unbiased, critical opinion only to find that the other residents who had chosen these had been informed. This caused such unhappiness that she nearly sold up!!!. A university researcher has recently interviewed her. She has no intention of moving in with family. They visit and support.

As a result of my experience, if I am a widow, I am not planning to move in with my son and his family. If I moved near them it would be to sheltered accommodation or a residential home depending on my state of health.

I realise what I said sounds morbid but I do like to improve the atmosphere of a house, its bad energy to have old stuff. I like to cleanse my rooms with inscense now and again. I would love to do her house over, give her some new plants and vases of flowers, some new blinds instead of horrid net curtains, new windchimes and sunbeam catchers would be lovely to lighten the atmosphere. These would not cost much and would make the house so much nicer and if she got rid of stuff she doesn't use it would not affect her life. Im not being horrible just confused as to how someone can get in this way of life.

What sort of stuff from WW1? Sounds fascinating. I'd love to have more stuff of my mums .

When you do have to clear out your mother's house, ethelbags don't throw away that gas mask. You will get decent money for it on Ebay, and for all the other stuff that she has kept for the last hundred years. It will not all be expense and no gain.

Invite someone round from a museum of local life, they would probably take a lot of things away. Offer the craft materials to someone who runs an after school club or an evening class in crafts. A furniture initiative or Fresh Start would take usable furniture and kitchen utensils, bedding and towels.

Only fall back on the house clearer when you have sold what is sellable and given away what a charity can use. You might be surprised how much the "junk" could make.

I have more than " just has her appliances and her bed, tv etc so that when she dies the person appointed will have no clearing out." Might as well just sleep in a coffin to save the trouble of putting her into it.

Elegran, bet you don't have your gas mask by the bed or candles to save elec.

If I had only TV, appliances and bed I'd swallow all the pills in the house, turn on the gas and get into the bed. Death couldn't come too soon.

I just feel that its unfair to me as when she dies I will have to sort it out. A relative told me recently that this happened to his aunt and it cost him hundreds to employ people to clear the house out. I am alone and cant lift heavy objects or move furniture so would have to pay someone to do it for me. Another older relative has given all her stuff away, she just has her appliances and her bed, tv etc so that when she dies the person appointed will have no clearing out.
Im a bit of a hoarder but after a few years I chuck stuff out, I discovered that books deteriorate with age and so gave them to charity before that happened, keeping only a dozen or so that I really love, if the books deteriorate then no one can use them. also clothes, I get rid after a year if I don't wear them and as they are not high fashion they can be re used by others.

Are you any happier with your lot than your mother is, ethel ? She has had a generation more than you have to put up with it.

She sounds just like me, ethelbags

I have jars kept for jam (but I do make it from time to time) stashes of embroidery threads, tapestry wool, fleece for spinning, paints (but I do all these things, only not all at once) I am the family tree keeper, and the keeper of things like my mother-in-law's mother's wedding china and her Dunfermline linen, family birth, marriage and death certificates, photographs, medals, mementoes of all kinds.

I hope it is not mental illness, I prefer to think that I am keeping memories alive, and keeping raw materials for the masterpieces I am planning.

One of my projects is to photograph everything and file the pics online with notes of the history attached to each, so that when I am gone my family will know what can safely be taken to a charity shop and what to keep for posterity.

I also have plans to use up all the craft materials and not to buy any more. Trouble is, as I finish something off I find I don't have enough to do it all, and have to buy more stocks . . .

just wish I could swap mum for a friendlier version, why cant old people just be happy with their lot instead of moaning. I would offer to do housework but there is so much clutter that I cant do it, she would never let me touch her stuff, I dread having to clear out her house eventually, there is stuff from ww1 as well as ww2. mainly rubbish but I cant get her to sort out her things, she hoards jam jars in case she makes jam which she doesn't, hoards material for crafts, paint, old clothes the list is endless. Her house would have a happier atmosphere if she cleared it out. She kept the house after Gran died and kept all grannys stuff as well, she was a hoarder too. I really think it is a mental illness keeping so much stuff.

Wow, I was getting pretty stressed with my life, Mother to Nursing Home near us, her house up for sale and to be cleared 90 miles away, granddaughter to be cared for 2 days a fortnight 50 miles away and husband to be kept happy but after reading all those messages it's a doddle! Thanks!

Thank you for your kind words soutra she is very much her "old self" (x100) Very awkward, demanding, rude, obnoxious.......... Etc and yet still showing small glimpses of her old self . I do love her. Next Saturday we are having a family get together with my mum (her daughter) myself, my son and my grandchildren (her great,great grandchildren). I hope that we can get some photographs as I do want the little ones to remember her and I fear that her time could be very limited now. I would love to see her make the 100 milestone but only if she has some quality of life. I really don't want to see her go into a care home if I can in anyway help it.

So sorry for all those whose experiences are unhappy, can I just add that it isn't always like this. My mother is 92, although she has numerous health problems she still lives alone in a sheltered housing flat, just across the main road from me. My 3 DSs all visit her and help take her out, pushing her wheelchair much faster and more enthusiastically than I can ever manage. The 2 who work away connect with her on Skype regularly. She has 'down' moments but is mostly cheerful saying of her memory problems-"It's great you could eat the same meal every lunch time because you can't remember what you had yesterday." Caring for my 2 DGCs is tiring but a joy, bringing back memories of my childhood and when my own were small. They are also a great source of pleasure when they visit my mum. Oh it isn't all sweetness and light, sometimes mum is very irritating and sometimes I have to stop myself telling my DS and DIL that 'we didn't do it that way when you were small!' I do have an active life outside the family and I am involved in loads of things so maybe that helps.

I like that Mishap the bread on top. I too am now enjoying being bread.

I consider, even though I joke about being the filling in a club sandwich, that I have it easy compared to most people on here and you have my admiration.

I have been the filling in the sandwich, but am now the bread on top!

gillybob - so pleased to hear your grandmother has rallied and decided the pearly gates can wait a bit longer. We all shared your distress when she went downhill so rapidly a wee while back and hope that she is much more like her "old" self!

My DD fiance's dad had to pay my DD's fiance, his own son, to go and look after him in his last stage of his life until he died. Now they are both after his house he left without a will. This is the sort of person she is, along with him. Not the way I do things and I have no idea where she gets it from. You shouldn't have to pay your own children to look after you, should you? Or is it me? I wouldn't be with a man who took money off his dying parent/s to look after them.

ethel you can self publish, look it up, do it, go on.

I look after my dad, 74 years old who has been diagnosed with dementia. My brother and sister look after my mum who has various medical problems, aged 74 too. I don't see my mum and they don't see my dad (abuse in our childhood from both parents). As far as I can see, as long as both are being looked after then we are all doing ok. In fact with the abuse we had I think we are (as siblings) doing a good job by them. But also, because of the abuse, I am there more for my brother who has a hard time about things and needs some extra care.

I still have my 17 year old at home who takes my time up and I do have a 26 year old who has two boys aged 4 and 1. She was causing some stress and upset though in my life, so for the time being we are having a break from each other.

Compared to some posts, I have a relatively easier life by the sounds of it. But with health problems to deal with with myself and trying to move house, I do have things to deal with. So I deal with what I can deal with and try to cut stress out as much as possible seeing as I have heart problems.

I wouldn't like to be left to my DD to take care of me in my old age. I was told she didn't get paid to come to hospital some years ago so I would rather have strangers see to me who are paid to care other than her. My DS might be there or he might have flown the nest to another part of the world, I'll have to see. But it doesn't worry me, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. And leave all my money to the dog's home! lol

'Ive not got the confidence to enquire how to get published, presuming they are good enough, which I doubt. I will start the 'granny grump chronicles today'.

You could have a dry-run on here ethel and start your own thread with that title