No words, just hugs and

I too have just seen this. My daughter gave birth to still born twins at 17 weeks. As a family we still light candles & talk about them. She had C&D 9 months later and they are now 6. They have been told that the candles are for babies who died - but not yet do they know where they fit in the family.

Have only just found this thread, and reading it with a very teary feeling. I lost twins at an early stage, but later went on to have a lovely boy, with 10/12 years between him and his siblings. He and his wife lost a baby last year. My DM was one of twins and my DH was told by his sister that he had been a twin. It is never too late to begin to grieve and by doing so may well start the healing process that we all need. God bless one and all.

Didn't realise there were other 'Nonnies'. That's what my grandson calls me.

Apologies. I don't post often.

Thanks Anya x 2

PS I won't get you muddled!

It's a sad thought that were it not for your losses you would not have your two youngest. It's a mixed emotion I understand only too well Nonnie
How kind and caring that nursing assistant was when you needed that comfort

PS there seems to be 2 of us now, going to be confusing, I think there is also a Nonny!

It always felt to me as if people were heartless. My mother seemed to think it was all my fault, after one miscarriage I was told that it didn't physically hurt very much and "it is only the emotional pain" and when I lost one of twins I was told not to worry as I still had the survivor.

I only ever had one person who really tried to understand. Once when I was in hospital miscarrying and there was a tiny baby crying in the next room a nursing assistant sat with me most of the night, she hugged me and showed genuine concern for all I had been through and said she felt humble because she had twins. I will never forget her.

I do have some positives to add. My 3 children are wide apart in age which means there was never any sibling rivalry and they are still very close. I believe that when we have to work so hard to achieve something we appreciate it far more then when it comes easily. If I had succeeded with the first three I wouldn't now have my two youngest so I am thankful for them. 9 pregnancies, 10 babies but only 3 children was hard but every day I am thankful for what I have.

Big hugs to all of you.

And Nonnie (((hugs))) too

Blinko - never too late to say I'm sorry for your loss (((hugs)))

You don't know our circumstances imperfect so please don't assume we don't 'understand'

I do not think you understand what life is really about until you lose someone close.

I lost my sister to cancer (will not give that word a capital letter) in 2006, and on some days I don't even think about her, yet on other days I think about her all of the time. She left two little children behind.

I take my little grandson down to the grave every now and then. We go to visit 'Auntie Louise', and we tidy the plot and leave little things from him to her, such as Lego bits and Super Heroes, because he says she will like them. 'Spider man is particularly helpful
He is five and he knows she has died. He has seen photos of her and knows she is my sister.

It helps me to deal with a situation I have absolutely no control over except to say that sometimes she is the only person I can talk to these days.

Am a happy soul until I think about her x Please don't feel sorry for me, I speak to other people at the cemetery when I go down there and we all deal with grief in our own way.

Domsmum. Hugs.

Thank you for sharing - so very sad, but what a beautiful moment. No words, just hugs

Thank you, Imperfect.

Just a thought that I wanted to say but became a little upset this morning, so I didn't quite say it. When my baby died, I was moved probably for admin reasons, I was transferred from the obstetric unit back to the normal maternity ward where I'd been booked in for the birth. So I was among mothers with new babies. They were marvellous. In particular, one lady, an Asian lady, gave me her baby to hold. I'll never forget that kind act of one mother to another in such tragic circumstances. I thought that was remarkable, showed the human spirit at its very best.

And hugs for you Blinko

I have been thinking about how to mark my daughter's tenth anniversary. I am thinking of planting something in her memory.

I know the circumstances are very different, but I was often told 'At least you have other children'. I know there is a grain of truth in this - how very much worse it must be to lose an only child - but still ... we need to be allowed to grieve for the one we have lost, for their individual beauty and meaning to us.

I've read all of these heartfelt posts with tears in my eyes. There are so many of us, aren't there, with children we've lost and still grieve for. In our case, our first born son went to term but was stillborn due to placental failure in the later stages of pregnancy. In those days, 45years ago, you were told to go away and have another baby. It was kindly meant, but we still feel the loss after all this time. It did help to visit the National Arboretum in Staffordshire where there's a special place, a SANDS garden. Hugs to you all.

Dosmum, I am new to this site too. I am so sorry that as a first time poster, who has taken the risk of sharing, your comments have been let with, what at best can be said to be lack of understanding.

I understand that loss of a child has huge ramifications for the rest of the family. I lost a daughter at age 12, -her siblings were 15, 18 and 20. Nine years on, I can look back and see that this was the end of 'family life' for us as we had known it and this was particularly hard on my 15 year old son. I understand that sense of barely functioning - true for me for a couple of years and very, very hard for him in his adolescent years, so how very hard and bewildering for you as a little child. I also understand - have seen many times - how, for older generations, sometimes the son is treated with more value than the daughter. Families are so complex and can hurt each other profoundly. At times we do have to self-preserve.

I hope you will still find value in contributing to this site - I think there is a great core of support here.

welcome domsmum. I hope you feel better for having unburdened yourself, and hope that continuing therapy will help you. I do however, feel for your parents who have somehow been punished by you for events which were out of their control, and I am sorry, but I think your post has probably been hurtful to those others who have had tragedies many years ago and only now feel able to discuss it. Losing a child is the worst thin that any of us can imagine, but then having this used as a stick to beat us for years afterwards is beyond belief.

Well what can I say? All this angst because you felt (in fact still feel) your brother was favoured over you?

I hope that having made such a grand gesture in the end you are now, finally, able to move on with what's left of your life?

Tentative first time poster coming in from the sidelines where I've watched the site for a while.
I couldn't believe it when I saw this topic, it is so appropriate to my life at the moment. In 1960 when I was 4 and my brother 2 my mother had an (accidental) 3rd pregnancy which ended in placenta praevia at 28 weeks, my mother almost losing her life through haemorrhage and my sister living for just a couple of hours. Mum was never told why this had happened (my midwife and I worked it out) and I would never have been told except it came out during my troubled adolescence when they tried to explain why they felt as they did about my brother. He'd had an emergency bowel condition and surgery at 18 months and was still a toddler when Mum lost the baby. I feel as though from the age of 5 I ceased to exist to my parents. All the attention, all the affection felt as though it was going to him - there was no real interest in me, I was clothed and fed but never felt loved and that extended to my aunt and grandmother. I was at their bedsides in their last illnesses and all they would ask was "where's Derek?" The temptation to say "bloody (sorry) miles away where he usually is" was at times overwhelming. As adults his opinion would always be sought over mine, his information more believable than mine and their actions corresponded to his opinion. After a particularly disloyal incident a couple of months ago I cut contact with my parents and him. If it was him they wanted, it was him they got. I knew (ex-nurse) my father was in his last illness and it was just a matter of time (which I got right to within 5 days) but because it was me and what do I know no-one took notice. Much to the surprise of everyone, my father died on 30th December after causing more problems of the same sort for the same reason. I didn't go to the hospital for the end and I'm now the family pariah forbidden the funeral (didn't intend to go anyway) and a thoroughly bad person.
I wish my parents had talked about it; I feel as though the baby lost her life and I lost my parents and childhood but I also know my parents felt the stiff upper lip should be adopted but I also know the hurt is still there. My father worried so much when SiL and myself were pregnant.
I know my sisters birth date and I'm going to find out her burial place. DHs home county is Staffordshire and I've seen the SANDS memorial and there will be a stone for her soon because this wasn't her fault. Sorry I've gone on so but it was so good to see others in the same situation of the same mind.

This thread has made me cry. How I wish none of you had to suffer the loss of a child and in some cases children. Sands is a brilliant organisation, at the National Arboretum they have a garden there. I have put two stones for two grandchildren lost that I have never been able to talk about, the parents can't, but understand that it is their pain and they have to cope the best way they can.

We lost our son Adam at 13.5 weeks just over 35 years ago. I was alone when I found him and have never got over the trauma. We have 3 lovely children and one gorgeous grandson but you can still scratch the surface and it is as painful as if it was yesterday. You never get over these things, just learn to live with them.

This is so sad and I am weeping into my cup of tea. My baby brother died at two days when I was ten and I thought it was my fault because I was often told that I was a bad child. My father gave us older ones a list of words we were never to utter, songs we may not sing. Then no-one ever mentioned him again and the guilt stayed with me.
Ten years later I lost my own baby to adoption, the circumstances of which meant I could not tell anyone about it, had to get straight back to work and never grieved, though the guilt and pain were there every day for the following 50 plus years.
I have been lucky to be blessed with three more children and 6 wonderful grandchildren but the pain remains and I have often thought I should seek out bereavement counselling but the guilt gets in the way.