oh Petra...shouldn't you take that letter to the police ..BEFORE the worst happens????

The incredible power & control that these abusers have is shocking...They simply have NO right treat a person they are supposed to love care for in such a cruel way due to what I believe is down to their own insecurity....there is no'Love' in abuse...& no excuse...ever.

I put up with a controlling, man for 20yrs, He's the father of my 2 girls, He didn't like my friends, was jealous, verbally abusive, and he mentally tortured me, was a heavy drinker and womaniser, I was also on tenterhooks all the time as he was very volatile, he was demanding and selfish, I changed my personality to suit him, although I didn't realise I had at the time,I tried to get away many times but always went back, I was terrified of him as he used to threaten to"do away with me" He said nobody else would ever want me, and I was nothing,
He was terminally ill for the last 8yrs of the relationship, and I looked after him,
I still have nightmares about him regularly, and I have anxiety, I
am with someone else now, who is completely different and is the love of my life,
I've beaten myself up for staying with him hundreds of times, but I'm only wasting my life and making myself bitter, and I don't want that,
People ask me why I stayed? I don't know!Looking back I feel as if I was brainwashed, and it's awful to be terrified, fear is terrible, I didn't realise it was so bad until it was over,
Now I know I should have left, he wouldn't have killed me, he was a bully,saying all this I was sad when he died, my girls were devastated, I never would have wished him dead, but I did want away from him,Petra I feel so sad for your friend,I hope she finds happiness and stays safe,

Incidentally, (and I do note that you have said he knows lots of your local police, not that he is one himself) policemen are not unknown to be abusive to their family, even very effective and respected policemen. It is a stressful job, and passing on aggro to someone else is a common way to deal with it.

Then it should be lodged with someone who you do trust with the information, and the fact that he knows a lot of your police added to it - a lawyer for instance?

Plus - IF she should one day be found dead in doubtful circumstances, who else are you going to contact with the contents of her letter except the police? Who will investigate suspicions? Police! Who will want to know why you had this information even about one of their own and withheld it? Police!

And who will be full of grief for a friend, and guilt that they might have prevented a tragedy? YOU!

If you don't trust your own local force to act without bias, then how about an anonymous enquiry to a different area giving the info you have given us, and asking what you should do? Every force has a section dealing with what used to be called domestic violence. They have experience of just such situations.

I'm afraid I couldn't trust the police with this information. He knows a lot of our local police.

Please do what elegran and ffinn suggest, petra, for your friend's sake

Ditto what Elegran said.
Photocopy it, and insist the police open a file with the original in it. Note date and time you present it to the police, if they seem less than lukewarm.

I agree that this information should be lodged with the police, even if your friend doesn't want anything official done about it unless/until it becomes an emergency situation. If it is on file, they will know if/when they are summoned exactly what they are dealing with, and that it has been predicted. They might be watching him even before they get that call.

* thatbags* There's nothing can be proved as to his behaviour. I've shown her how to record on her phone, and when he gets too bad she comes to me.
Even his own mother has given my friend 'escape' money. I know that might sound odd ( his mother) he is 16 yrs younger than my friend.

I don't think I could keep a letter like that, petra. I'd want to go to the police straight away.

A dear friend of mine is in that position, she can't leave because he has told her he will kill her and went so far as to tell her the body wouldn't be found, and I know he could do it. He has not only abused and threatened her, he has even told her what would happen to her family.
It is so serious that I have a letter from her to take to the police if the worst happens.

1974cookie very well done, all my best wishes to you and your sister. sorry for late reply

1974cookie, You were very brave to do what you did and I admire you so very much. As we get older we hear more and more of these terrible stories of the terrible lives that people endured. Thankfully people are more open nowadays and more able to seek help and get away from abusive partners. I expect that there were cases where women had nowhere to turn and had no choice but to put up with abuse of themselves and their children. I hope that you have gained strength from your actions and I hope that you and your sister have a wonderful life from here onwards.

Huge hugs (((((((()))))))to all of you who have suffered at the hands of bullies and abusers, and to anyone still trapped.

1974cookie, I just returned to this thread to see your post. I wept, I have to admit. I do hope you and your sister are now in a good place and finding strength and support in each other.

Thank you for all the responses to my original post.

Only by speaking out about abuse in the home, in churches, in schools and the workplace will it eventually be defeated. Many people are confused as to what abuse is but it is when someone else tries to control our behaviour by ANY MEANS - that can be lying, manipulating, insults, screaming, yelling and may or may not include physical violence. It can destroy people and make lives miserable and we need to speak up when we see it or experience it.

I have now healed and when I look back I cannot recognise the young woman that I was who put up with bad behaviour for so long - I didn't see a way out and I want to help others now so that they DO find a way out.

I, too, endured an appalling marriage to a man who was both controlling and violent, though there was no sign of this before we actually signed the register. I am supposed to be an intelligent person, but I didn't see it coming. The abuse I suffered for two years was so awful I can't even put it into words, but I was hospitalized with internal and external injuries, never mind the ones in my head. I eventually managed to break free, but it was some time before I managed to recoup my self-esteem or trust in anybody.

It isn't always men who are the abusers. My son has suffered psychological abuse from his wife. Goading, ridiculing, bullying and also assault and when he retaliated (threw there wedding album at her) she she phoned the police and said he was beating her up and she was terrified of him. We have watched him slowly change from a happy, funny, sociable guy to a mere shell of his former self as the confidence was leeched out of him. She took out an injunction against him so he can't see his baby daughter and neither can we. He was warned by her previous boyfriend about her mood swings and unreasonable behaviour but he was too smitten at the time because she's beautiful and comes across as being a lovely, friendly, caring girl. We were all taken in by her at the start. She is actually a very cruel, controlling and calculating woman.

The 'just leave' brigade have no idea - there are threats that cannot possibly be countered, and while staying for the sake of the children is often rubbished, if the alternative is the children being taken away, being dragged through the courts, putting the children through the process too, seeing them taken into care, all against false allegations that cannot be proved but have been 'set up' with the threat/intention that one should never see them again, who would entertain taking that risk? The storyline of the Archers has done a fantastic job in opening listeners' eyes to some of the possibilities, but a clever 'controller' can set up a situation that will destroy everyone around them, quite ruthlessly and effectively. Until we - and the courts - learn to treat mental health issues without prejudice and with fairness, belief and understanding this will continue, sadly. All too often a cry for help or a psychiatric diagnosis brings about an automatic assumption of some sort of guilt. This is SO wrong.

That is such a sad story cookie.

My Father died suddenly when I was 14 years old with a sister of 11, and a baby brother of just 10 months old. My Mum remarried and soon found out that my Stepfather was a very controlling, bullying, abusive, Man. He often punched my Mum, bullied us kids but Mum was completely smitten by him ( and possibly scared ).
I was so dreadfully scared of him that I left home at 15 years old.
Years later, Mum saw the light and finally divorced him but they could not afford to sell the house, so they lived separate lives in the same house.
It was not until I was 33yrs old that I finally stood up to him.
I was visiting my Mum when he opened the front door to me and instantly started shouting and yelling at me, poking me in the chest as he did so.
Well, THIS worm not only turned at last, but she went for it BIG TIME !!!!!
I honestly never knew that I could swear like that!!!
I blew a gasket.
I poked HIM in the chest and shouted "DON"T YOU DARE TALK TO ME LIKE THAT" .
I will not insert the swear words as I do not want to offend anyone.
That was my turning point. He stepped backwards and I knew that I had won the war.
All the years of anger and the pain came rushing out and I told him in no uncertain terms just what I thought of him. He threatened to call the police. I told him to do so, but he did not. He never bothered me after that. He died a few years ago.
It is only in the last couple of years that my darling Sister has confided in me that this man had abused her in other ways. It still breaks my heart.

Thankyou nana3 there is such kindness on this site.

Nannylovesshopping My very best wishes.

thank you blinko for your kindness, I am so glad prospective adopting parents, nowadays have to go through such stringent checks before they are entrusted with the life of a child, in 1950 my mother just heard of a young girl who was having an unwanted baby locally, one court appearance to make it legal and that was that. My natural mother and father then went on to marry two years later and had two sons and then a daughter, but that is another whole new thread.