Zummer Well done you and thanks for sharing your story xx

. Women are murdered by ex and current partners every week. I commented earlier that I accept that men are also victims of abuse but the extent of abuse and regularity are less than those experienced by women.

Domestic Abuse must be non gender specific.

Hear

Your epiphany was the advert,that struck a chord,I remember sitting in tears after an "incident"and listening to John Lennon's Imagine on the radio that was THE moment when I decided no more....song takes me right back When I here it

ZZgal
here is to a continued happy future.
That is such a positive post and I am so glad that you have been able to move on,I was in a very short marriage in my late teens with a man same age as myself who was bullying ,abusive both physically and mentally..the relationship lasted 2years I was fortunate to have the energy and strength to go back to my parents I miscarried twins so I only had myself to think of.
After my own experience and that of my daughter I do make time and have volunteered with organisations to support people and families.

Well done absent for sharing and crying, the more you get it out the better. I suffered abuse in more than one relationship, proving that self esteem knocked at an early age can lead to repetitive relationship patterns which thankfully now (in my 50s) I have finally broken. Looking back , I can now see what I allowed to continue but at the time you hope that tomorrow will be better. I believed in love and loyalty and had my trusting nature stamped on repeatedly through mental and physical abuse.
I was never hit, it was coercive control,verbal & sexual abuse but I thought I had to deal with it. I was holding down a good job and to those around me I would have seemed normal although once I was out of the daily trauma, people told me how much better I looked and that I had seemed always tired and washed out before. Any of you ladies reading this who have a friend or colleague who seems this way, who has maybe gradually changed in behaviour,maybe you should try to have a regular coffee or something to be there for support and they may confide. I had no one, it was Woman's Hour that saved me.. I was already arguing with myself on a daily basis but I always told myself it would get better and I shouldn't give up. I forget who was on the radio, talking about if what they had said helped one young girl take control of their life it was worth it...I wasn't young but it hit a cord. Then I saw that other thing aimed at young people,on the TV a young girl being persuaded into non consensual sex and the boy's other self banging on the glass from outside saying don't do it. I finally snapped one day and got out of there, it was awful but I found the strength to stand up to his shouting and then emotional blackmail. Now several years on I have found a supportive partner and we have an equal relationship. I have been diagnosed with PTSD but I refused anti depressants and am working through some overreactions and down days that occur in my own way. Ladies, there IS always hope and YOU CAN SURVIVE without that person , it does not feel it at the time but you can. BE STRONG, BE HAPPY BUT MOST OF ALL BE YOU! YOU DESERVE IT.

Thank you for the flowers * yoga*

Downtoearth so very sorry about the tragedy of your dear daughter. Such an horrendous story, I wish you some sort of peace

Iam there is no closure it just becomes easier to live with.Each developmental stage with E my GD brings it all back as she questions and struggles to understand every aspect,and at times acted out the very behaviour she has seen and been frightened by.Luckily my son,ex,and lovely OH who has been a step parent to her have shown by example.how a good relationship should be...unfortunately her scars still remain

Downtoearth, you are so right in saying the aftermath of abuse remains within the family. People who talk about an event leading to 'closure' take a simple and overly optimistic view. ????

Thanks kitty...so hard when you can see what is happening and powerless to prevent what is happening for you too for your kind words

I have always admired you strength dte.

My worry is that it will take something enormous to happen before the needs of my relative are spotted by those near to her. And, they don't pigging well listen.

I spent a lot of time trying to help DA victims find justice so I think my radar is finely tuned but I am aware of being seen as 'looking for problems'.

I also attended many talks and workshops on DV and have helped other families by volunteering with charities dealing with this at least....he won't turn me into a victim

Kitty thanks for the hug
My way of dealing was to fight like mad for a prison sentence he received just 30 months the maximum for ABH was out in 15....our sentence will last a lifetime and taint the next generation if there is one for who can blame E for being very wary of men when the one who should have prtectected her took away by his abuse the innocence of a little girl and the life of my precious child by his treatment ....the coroner concluded he may not have committed the act but he caused it.I had to I'D my precious girl we didn't bury her for 11months we spent 6 years fighting for custody in the high Court and had to move away from our families to a place of safety over a hundred miles away.....which means I can only get to give my girl flowers every few months.......sorry if this is a bit strong

Iam thank you for your concern.
As many of you will know I have posted from time to time of the problems we have faced arising from the DV and abuse Kate my daughter suffered,and how she left behind a little 4year old
The abuse stays with you as E my now 18year old GD will tell you ,witnessing the violence on her mother the night she died and her lifeless body,and at 4 not understanding that didn't come until later when questions anger and fear where leveled at myself and my OH,my son and my ex ...her father suffer from not been able to protect her and the ripples into the wider family circle ..nephews brother have all suffered at the hands of one spineless creature

I was heartened to hear a man admit to this after listening to a discussion on Woman's Hour about the Archers storyline. He said he would be going to get help with his wife.

I have had two very close members of my family go through this, one male and one female. One thankfully now free of the controlling partner, the other still with theirs.
Reading the stories here brings home just how varied a form the abuse can take and how helpless family and friends feel.
I don't know whether the situation with men is getting worse or whether men feel more able to talk about it these days.

Sorry, posted too soon.

It is very difficult, as a family member, to avoid self blame even though it is obvious that the perpetrators are so clever and deluding themselves and other people. And, although I don't know what to do about it, I feel a huge sense of responsibility towards our second relative who actually has much closer family who seem to think 'it will be alright now'.

The incidence of DA towards men is rising as more and more men find the extra strength needed to for a man to open up. They have the added complication of being seen as weak for allowing it to happen. We also have a male in our wider family who was a victim during all his marriage and has only just told us.

((hugs)), as always for Absent and downtoearth.

DD3 was in an abusive relationship (she assures me that there was no violence!) fortunately The Idiot found another victim and suggested she and the children might like to spend a few days a week with us. She saw the light - alleluia!! We despaired for a while that he would manage to get her back with his talk of undying love and 'we are destined to be together' and it was very difficult to keep quiet so the decision could be hers alone. I'm not sure what we would have done had she chosen incorrectly.

At the end of that experience, we discovered that another relative had been in a very similar relationship, this time involving violence, for over 25 years. I felt totally inadequate because I had worked for Witness Service supporting, mostly, DA victims and I didn't spot it. She eventually left the home and met someone else. He was coercive in a different way and eventually killed himself. She has now gone back to the marriage and has no contact with her wider family at all. Short of going and kidnapping her, we are stumped.

I hope downtoearth and absent are ok x

Sending thoughts and hugs to all who have been affected by this horror, and those who still live with it

Absent, your post is typical of someone who has an abusive partner. You were not mad. If anyone was it was your partner. But they are not mad are they, they are quite sane. Crafty and cruel, controlling and self-absorbed. I am so glad you escaped from what must have seemed to you like hell on earth.

Forget about it now. Put it in the past, it is history best forgotten and remember that you are the survivor. You have faced your demons and won, in other words you got your life back! Now you can get on with living. I wish you all the good luck in the world.

We have stopped watching Emmerdale and Coronation Street. Too much like East Enders. All doom and gloom, heartache and problems. Surely people just want to switch off from all that and relax at night don't they? I also think it was very, very cruel to make one actress play the part of a mother who had a still born when she had gone through that herself in real life....saw it in the papers but did not watch it. I like light hearted happy stuff before bedtime.

Sympathy to all of you who have written about your terrible experiences.
I had similar with my ex, but nowhere like as bad.