This made me laugh.......

Thanks for the info on Lenkiewicz. I visited his studio on the Barbican in Plymouth [long ago]. His art was incredible. I love the light that he magics into his subject. A friend of mine had her portrait painted by him. She thought that she looked too much like a half-crazed witch and destroyed it. Bet she wishes otherwise. His art is highly prized.

A woman in her fifties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, 'Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?'

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says,
'I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.'

The husband replies, 'And what did he say about your 55-year old ar*e hole?'
'Your name never came up,' she replied.

I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance.

I spilt some stain remover on my sleeve. How do you get that out?

My father only hit me once - but he used a Volvo.

My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.

The Royal Shakespeare Company once did 'Julius Caesar' in New York. When Caesar was stabbed onstage, half the audience left because they didn't want to get involved.

When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?

Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?

Lots about him on google, soop.

Think the name was Lenkiewicz (Robert). Saw a lot of his paintings when I lived in Plymouth in the 1970's.

Diogenes [I believe] was the name given to the companion of a wonderful Plymouth based artist who's name I cannot spell. Sounds like Lenkowitz...but the letters are not necessarily in the right order. Anyway, when Diogenes died, Mr Lenko continued to care for his muse's corpse. Can someone help me out here?

Socrates thoughts on gossip
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say.
The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife

This is ingenious!

Anagrams:

PRESBYTERIAN:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> BEST IN PRAYER
>
>
>
> ASTRONOMER:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> MOON STARER
>
>
>
> DESPERATION:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> A ROPE ENDS IT
>
>
>
> THE EYES:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> THEY SEE
>
>
>
> GEORGE BUSH:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> HE BUGS GORE
>
>
>
> THE MORSE CODE:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> HERE COME DOTS
>
>
> DORMITORY:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> DIRTY ROOM
>
> SLOT MACHINES:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> CASH LOST IN ME
>
>
>
> ANIMOSITY:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> IS NO AMITY
>
>
>
> ELECTION RESULTS:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
>
>
>
> SNOOZE ALARMS:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
>
>
>
> A DECIMAL POINT:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> I'M A DOT IN PLACE
>
>
>
> THE EARTHQUAKES:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> THAT QUEER SHAKE
>
>
>
> ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> TWELVE PLUS ONE
>
>
>
>
> AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
>
>
> MOTHER-IN-LAW:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> WOMAN HITLER
>

snapshot

Light travels faster than sound ... this is why some people appear bright until they speak ...

Excellent!

LOL

Annobel BRILLIANT!

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

snap

Great

I saw this ad in a shop window ... FOR SALE - TV SET - VOLUME STUCK FULL ON - BARGAIN £5 ... I thought, 'I can't turn that down'

LOVE the UPS ones Greatnan!

Miss Beatrice, The church organist, Was in her eighties And had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea... As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones,they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?’ pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said To place it on the organ, Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.

that was grand, Greatnan Thanks.

Just in case you need a laugh:
Remember, it takes a college degree to
fly plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to
those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form called a 'gripe sheet' which tells mechanics
about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems,
document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe
sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are
some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked
with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance
engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume, unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last:

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took the hammer away from the midget.

...
Man in pub: "I think my wife has died".
Barman: "What do you mean?"
Man: "Well, sex is the same but the ironing is mounting up."

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.

Same army captain kept referring to his camel as "she". His superior officer asked why he thought his (obviously male) mount was female.

"Well," he replied, "When I rode past a detachment of men the other day I distinctly heard someone say, "Look at that c* on that camel." "