This made me laugh.......

A conversation in heaven

SYLVIA:
Hi! Wanda.

WANDA:
Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

SYLVIA:
I froze to death.

WANDA:
How horrible!

SYLVIA:
It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from
the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy,
and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?

WANDA:
I died of a massive heart attack.
I suspected that my husband was cheating,
so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself
in the den watching TV.

SYLVIA:
So, what happened?

WANDA:
I was so sure there was another woman
there somewhere that I started running
all over the house looking. I ran up into
the attic and searched, and down into the
basement. Then I went through every closet
and checked under all the beds. I kept this up
until I had looked everywhere, and finally
I became so exhausted that I just keeled over
with a heart attack and died.

SYLVIA:
Too bad you didn't look in the freezer
---we'd both still be alive.

Shopping for antiques won't make you gay but it might make you buy curios.

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I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"

I said, "No, she's an optician.

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Beyonce has just found out that Roy Castle was her real father however she wont be using his surname.

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The Allosaurus was one of the largest predators of the late Jurassic period, the fossil remains of which have been widely uncovered in North America.

Not to be confused with its close cousin found mainly in France, the Allo Allo Saurus

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I asked my wife to pass the newspaper.
She replied "here, use my iPad".

That was one very dead bluebottle.

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A rubbish collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie

bins and emptying them into his compactor.

He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the

spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin,
he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks. There's

no answer.

Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much

harder. Eventually a Japanese man comes to the door.

"Harro!" says the Japanese man.

"Gidday, mate!

Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.

"I bin on toilet," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles

and tries again.

"No ! No ! Mate, Where's your dust bin?"

"I dust been to toilet, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still

perplexed.

"Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. I

mean, where's your wheelie bin?'"

"OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and

whispers in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having a w**k!

STAMP OUT CAPITALISM - use only lower case

One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. "I've got some good news and some bad news." God said.
Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, "Please give me the good news first."
Smiling, God explained, "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one at a time.

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A Welsh man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when
they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed
exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.

Try again. he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.

He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

No, she says,

they're all in the Land Rover,

and one of them is beeping the horn.

10 LOVEMAKING TIPS FOR SENIORS

1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!

4. Make sure you put 000 [or 911] on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Keep extra polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

'The Obedient Wife'

There was a man, who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, And was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me.

I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,

'Wait just a moment!'

She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down
and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, 'Girl, I know you were not foolish
enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied,
'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'

'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account,
and wrote him a Cheque.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'

A woman goes to the doctor’s because she is feeling depressed since her husband ran off with another woman. After a long consultation the doctor said: “It’s a sex problem. Since your husband left you’re not getting enough”.

He advises her to find a man who can really do the business, someone special.

She leaves the doctor’s with this in mind. Walking down the street she sees a policeman on traffic duty. He is tall, good looking and seems to fit the bill. But she thinks he is not really special as suggested by the doctor.

She continues down the street to where there are road works. Paddy has his shirt off showing his muscles. He is shovelling great chunks of broken tarmac into a lorry as if JCBs had never been invented. My god she thinks. That’s a physical man. But again she thinks he is not that special.

She keeps on walking until she finds herself in the country. Here she sees a farm worker ploughing a field. No tractor, he is pulling the plough himself. He finishes ploughing the field, picks up the plough ands throws it in to the next field. That’s the man for me she thinks, so she calls him over.

“I want f***ing,” she says.

“So do I,” he replies. “I’ve just ploughed the wrong b**tard field".

THE SHEER NIGHTGOWN

A husband walks into ‘Victoria's Secret‘ to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price - the sheerer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that I might as well be wearing nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon - Closed coffin

greatnan

I lost my dog the other day. Went looking for it for twenty minutes but didn't find it.
The wife said I should look harder so I shaved my head and got a tattoo.
Still couldn't find the dog

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Like the queen mother, my grandfather was also a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but "he" was never hailed as a hero by the people of London.

That's probably because he flew Heinkel bombers for the Luftwaffe.

_____________

A pretty young gypsy girl knocked on my door and asked if I had any old clothing.
I said yes, but asked what I would get in return. She said I could play with her breasts.

I thought, that’s fair, tit for tat.

---------------------------------------

I’m in trouble with the wife. We were in bed naked and she asked what
I would like to do most with her body.

Apparently “Identify it” wasn’t the right answer.

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You think you have lived to be 80 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, Are you a real pilot?He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.

FOR ALL THE WOMEN I KNOW THAT DRIVE ALONE!

I had a flat tyre on the M25 yesterday ; so, I pulled over, got out of the car and opened my boot.

I took out my cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear
of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe it!

Just as I had hoped, cars started slowing down looking at the men which
made it much safer for me to work on the side of the road.

People honked and waved, and it wasn't long before a police car pulled
up behind me.

He wanted to know what the heck I was doing so I calmly explained that
I was changing my flat tyre. He told me he could see that, but demanded
to know what my cardboard men were doing standing at the rear of my car.

I couldn't believe he didn't know! So I told him ...
Well, I explained to the angry Policeman ...

They're my Emergency Flashers!!!!

I go to court in January.
(Damn Police. No sense of humour.)

I love them too - but I spend far too long choosing them! I have to filter out some that I can't help finding very funny, but which fall foul of my own guidelines - no racism, no homophobia, no disability jokes. I do allow sexism, in both directions, because I reckon we are all mature enough to take it!

Greatnan...Mr soop and I are laughing fit to burst!

Why do I turn to this thread first these days? Do you remember the Readers Digest section called "Laughter, the best medicine" Still true!

(Warning - contains strong language!)

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love making he had ever experienced. When they went downstairs, the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice. As she was pouring him a cup of steaming coffee, he noticed a quid coin in the saucer.

'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but what's the quid for?'

'Well,' said the blonde, 'Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you'. 'I asked him what I should give you'.

He said, 'f**k him. Give him a quid.'

She smiled shyly and said, 'The breakfastwas my idea.'

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea – one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, “I’m bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I couldn’t have any worries about being eaten…”

As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, “Your wish is granted”, and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time went on (as it invariably does…) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn’t realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can’t believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends, looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. “Where’s Christian?” he asked. “He’s at home,distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark”, came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian’s house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, “It’s me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again. Christian replied “No way man, you’ll eat me. You’re a shark, the enemy and I’ll not be tricked. ” Justin cried back “No, I’m not. That was the old me. I’ve changed”

“I’ve found Cod, I’m a prawn again Christian"

(I'll get my coat!)

So many of these rang true for me, Annika!

Annika love it!

39 STEPS



01. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

02. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.



03. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.



04. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

05. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.



06. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.



07. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.



08. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.



09. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.



10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.



11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.



12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.



13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.



15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.



16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.



17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.



18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.



19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.



20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.



21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.



22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.



23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.



24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.



25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

26. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."



27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."



28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.



29. You should not confuse your career with your life.



30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.



31. Never lick a steak knife.



32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.



33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.



34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.



35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.



36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.



37. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)



38. Your friends love you anyway.



39. Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new.

Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark.
A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires

Something familiar about that last story Greatnan.

World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END

My version- a girl got married and spent 20 years doing most of the chores, earning more money and letting her husband spend most of his earnings on his hobbies, putting up with his boring conversation and being embarrassed by his crass remarks in front of their friends. Then she got divorced, got a glamorous job abroad, went on fabulous holidays, met really interesting people, retired to a beautiful place, went out whenever she wanted, read until 3 a.m., ate what and when she liked, and joined Gransnet.
The End

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".

It was the Scotland/Wales 'International' weekend in Edinburgh and as
the crowds made their way down Princes Street towards Murrayfield, a
Rottweiler suddenly lunged towards an eight year old Scottish lass,
with its jaws wide open ready to attack.

The crowd nearby gasped in horror but, quick as a flash, a man in red
jumped out of the crowd, grabbed the dog by the throat and throttled
it.
As the dead dog lay there, and the crowd cheered in admiration, a
journalist from the Glasgow Herald who had witnessed the heroic deed,
went up to the man and said, 'That was brilliant, I can see the
headline now -

'Welsh Rugby Fan Saves Young Girl From Certain Death'.
The man replied, 'No you've got it wrong. I'm not here for the
rugby!'
'Don't worry' said the journalist, 'I can see the headline now
-

'Welshman Saves Girl From Jaws Of Rottweiler'.
The man replied, 'No you're wrong again. I'm not Welsh; I'm
from Berkshire.'
The journalist said, 'Don't worry; I can see the headline now -

'English b*****d Strangles Family Pet'.

Great.