This made me laugh.......

The French give genders to nouns. What if we did the same thing?

Scottish Parliament Building - female - because it cost a lot more than we bargained for.
Monday - male - because it always comes too soon.
House of Lords - female - because it is the ultimate arbiter
Encyclopaedia Britannica - male - because it knows everything and is never wrong
Passenger - female - as it is generally picked up by the same old lines
Swiss Army Knife - male - because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles
Kidneys - female - because they always go to the bathroom in pairs
Tyre - male - because it goes bald and is often over inflated.
Sponges - female - because they are soft, squeezable and retain water
Shoe - male - because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
Photocopier - female - because once turned off it takes a while to warm up

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighters helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the fire fighter says with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl says.

The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little Partner,' the fire fighter says, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'

The little girl replies thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren!

Please keep up the good work Greatnan...you make us laugh.

Thanks, soop - I have discovered a fresh source of jokes - 130 pages - but many are just too rude for Gransnet! (They can be sent by pm though, in a plain package!)

Greatnan It's so good to have you back. Thanks for making us laugh. You're a real tonic.
NemoNan And to you...

British Hospitality

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood.....big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses.

He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me".

He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby,"That was really decent of you... is that what you call Britsh Hospitality'?"

"No, sir" replies the bobby,

"that is what we call the French Embassy."

I came home from golfing the other night well after dark. My wife, Sally, asked me where I been for such a long time. I told her that after my 8:00 am round of golf, I stopped to help a gorgeous blond with a flat tire. I said that I went back to her place for a cool drink, and ended up in the bedroom with her all afternoon.
My wife Sally replied, "You lying S.O.B.! You played 36 holes, didn't you?"

Golf Club Sign Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland:
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE.. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF

Laughed out loud and intend to txt some of NemoNans jokes to my DDI,s tomorrow.

Oh dear, I have spent the whole of this evening reading this thread from the beginning to the end.
It is so funny and just a bit naughty.
I love it.
Thank you.

Brilliant nemo

nemo

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

____________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...


___________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

____________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

__________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

____________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

__________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

____________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

HOW TO CHOOSE A WIFE....

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of £5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first, a blonde, does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more
attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second, a redhead, goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third, a brunette, invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the £5,000. She gives him back his £5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Ariadne...don't encourage her.

Oh! I had to read that twice, nellie - the first time I thought it said 'hangs out in grandads pants'

nellie

Q what is pink and wrinkly and hangs out grandads pants

A.grandma of course...what did you think..

Riddle of the Day

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn't have one.

The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Bush is one.

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women.

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took on 3.

We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

What is it?

Answer below! (this is pretty good )

The answer is: 'A Last Name.'
You didn't think I'd send you a dirty joke, did you?

> Saturday morning 5am...I slipped out of bed, grabbed my clothes, dressed
> in the bathroom,
> made a packed lunch, grabbed the dog and went into the garage, hooked the
> boat upto
> the truck and proceeded to reverse out of the garage...into torrential
> rain and 50mph wind.
> I drove the truck back into the garage and switched on the radio to
> discover that the bad
> weather was forecast for the whole day.
> I went back into the house, quietly undressed, slipped back into bed and
> cuddled up to my
> wife´s back, now with different anticipation, and whispered.`The weathers
> terrible´
> My loving wife of 20 years replied `Can you believe my husband has gone
> fishing in this s**t!

A worried father confronts his daughter one night. "I don't like that new boyfriend of yours. He's rough, common and bloody stupid with it."
"Oh no Dad," replies the daughter "he's ever so clever. We've only been going out nine weeks and already he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a month."

me too.

Me too!