This made me laugh.......

Remind me tomorrow!
I'm for bed!

NO - do tell us!

Do you all know the joke about Pythagoras' theorem?

This list made me smile ...as can relate to too many of them

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 5 PM.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Never, under any circumstances,
take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

Terrible puns. Apologies in advance for these (I've deleted the more excruciating!)

1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.
Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

3. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more.
On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with: transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

4. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts used the cases for watches to produce compasses.
The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression -- "He who has a Tate's is lost!"

5. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

6. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

7. A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.
When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

Don't say you weren't warned!!

Mummy Test
>
> A woman was out walking with her 4-year-old daughter. The girl picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth.
> Her mother took the item away from her and asked her not to do that.
>
> "Why?" her daughter asked.
>
> "Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" she replied.
>
> At this point, her daughter looked at her with total admiration and asked, "Mummy, how do you know all this stuff?"
>
> "Uh," she was thinking quickly. "All mums know this stuff. It's on the Mummy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mummy."
>
> They walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but her daughter was evidently pondering this new information.
>
> "OH... I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy.
>
> "Exactly" her mummy replied with a big smile on her face.

Live and Learn
Psychiatry students were in their Emotional Extremes class. "Let's set some parameters," the professor said. "What's the opposite of joy?" he asked one student.
"Sadness," he replied.
"The opposite of depression?" he asked another student.
"Elation," he replied.
"The opposite of woe?" the prof asked a young woman from Texas.
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddyup."

Next Time, Let's Stay in a Hotel
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby.
"I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground."
The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim cries.
"He says you're gonna die."

Thank you - it is nice to know my efforts are appreciated. I can never remember jokes myself but fortunately there are still plenty to be copied from my expat forums!
I hope nobody is offended by the odd bit of 'strong' language - sometimes it really is necessary in the context of the joke. I don't worry about the 'rude' bits - presumably we are all mature and sophisticated women.
Of course, as on every forum, there are very many jokes which rely on racism and homophobia, and I won't post them, (even though some of them are very funny!)
I reckon people who put themselves in the public eye, such as show-business types or politicians, are fair game for a bit of banter.

This thread is amazing!Just caught up last 3 pages.Funniest( and rudest) jokes I've ever heard.I reckon if published it would be a best seller!
I can never remember the punchline.
Thanks to Greatnan and all you jokers.I love you all

Greatnan You are incorrigible, but I like you...

Daisy ...your joke was funny and very clever.

Elegran

Elegran naughty

elegran

What is the difference between a randy Eskimo Arctic dwarf and and a giant Nubian eunuch.

One is a frigid midget with a rigid digit, the other is a massive vassal with a passive tassel.

Old joke, probably thoroughly non-pc by now.

A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport.

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.

He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto, 'We love to fly and it shows'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto. 'Winning the hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto. 'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the f... do you want?'

'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face.....

"Ryanair."

Nellie - I am shocked and disgusted! And amused. .

nellie ...you are a wicked wee lassie

Q . what is the difference between penis and bonus?
A. your wife will always blow your bonus!

Sorry for the Americanisms! Greatnan.

A hundred prostitutes in Washington D.C. were
asked if they would ever sleep with President
Clinton. 60% said, 'Never again!'

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and
said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will
surely die".

1.Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send
him off to work in a good mood.

2.At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and
put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back
to work.

3.For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't
burden him with household chores.

4.Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy
his every whim.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor
had told her.

"You're going to die," she replied.

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove
a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the
exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation
"I now pronounce you man and wife".

What do you do if a blond throws a grenade at you?

Pull the pin and throw it back.

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one
question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the
iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the
Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that
this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people
died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered,
"about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant
nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins
weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are
candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the
plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index,
2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you
comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch
of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps
you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum
for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and
play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that
run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and
wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while
quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell
one day and cold as hell another.

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are
absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a
sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who
was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those
people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house
can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out
and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That
is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are
out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but
when I wind up this essay, I end it.

Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of
lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead.
"Damn," he says. "I forgot to lock the office safe before we left." His
partner replies " What are you worried about? We're both here."

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine
the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be
cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the
longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician, "but I can't send you
off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this.
It has to be saved for posterity."

With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's
schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.

The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to
show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" she screamed. "Schwatrz is dead!"

A state trooper pulled a car over and told the man driving
that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.
"I was only going 40!" the driver protested.
"Not according to my radar," the trooper said.
"Yes, I was!" the man shouted back.
"No you weren't!" the trooper said.
With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said,
'Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when
he's been drinking."

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching
Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's
name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they
stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before we
order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please
pronounce where we are... very slowly?
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr,
Kiiiing."

Subject: The Catholic Parrots

A lady goes to see her priest one day and says,

"Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots,

but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest enquired.

They say

"Hi, we're hookers!

Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution for your problem.

I have two male talking parrots, who I taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house,

and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and

your parrots are sure to stop saying ...that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may well be the solution."

The next day, she took her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots

were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:

"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and squawked,

"Put the beads away, Frank.

Our prayers have been answered

Not so much 'Ha ha', more 'Aha!

In a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to get out of jury duty, here is the exception:

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.

In the defence's closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted at the last minute to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.
A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and therefore I suggest that you have no option but to return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury retired to deliberate. In only a few minutes, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied:
"Yes, we did look at the door, but your client didn't."

Jess, I am sorry if some jokes offend you, but if I tried to post only jokes that would offend nobody there wouldn't be many left. Please just don't read the thread if you are easily upset. I do make a point of ignoring any racist or homophobic jokes (and believe me, that excludes quite a lot!) I include some sexist jokes, making fun of both sexes, because we are all adults and I think most grandmothers can take a bit of banter of that type.

flump!

There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most!
What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and
he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, I'll pray for you!