This made me laugh.......

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(O.M.G.!!!)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.(Creepy)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Don't try this at home; maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off..
(Honey, I'm home . What the...?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity..)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm.......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

glass, brilliant! I am cheered to learn that I am going to outlive my ex. Evil

glass that made me laugh until I got to the bit about left handers!

Am coming back as a pig in the next life

I'm coming back as Donald, he gets handsome RSPCA inspectors to look after him!

glass VERY funny.
nellie You little minx! You'd be a very pretty, clean, pink piggy with a sweet curly tail
jeni That's a very clever thought. Mind you, going to the trouble of having your bot singed, would seem to be a step too far!

How do they know other species don't have sex for pleasure, I wonder?
I would have thought that for most animals it is the only reason for doing it, as I doubt if they know about propogating their species!

Well my pet rabbit Basil is always at it at this time of year. He doesn't have any rabbit friends so makes do with his bouncy plastic tunnel! I imagine he is doing it for pleasure though it's hard to tell from his facial expression

I do like to keep my trotters clean soop and my little snout....a vision of miss piggy

I would imagine it's more of a desperate urge for animals - especially male ones! I can't imagine that many female animals enjoy sex....

Especially cats, seeing as the male has barbs on it, they say you should never forcibly separate them, as it could be very painful for the female.

Enough!! [pained] emoticon

soop can you examine Rory to see if this is true?

jeni Rory, the feline of uncertain parentage, fiercely guards such areas of his anatomy. When he wanders off, we see that's he is indeed a very fine specimen of tomhood. As for the other...well, that's another story. He managed to avoid getting himself caged and neutered in the autumn. He comes home to eat us out of house and home. Stays long enough to be told how fine he is...and strolls through the forest in search of a lady friend. He stays away around two days.

Coward!

That reminds me......
An old lady kept bothering her vet with trivial questions, often ringing him just after he and his wife had got into bed. One night, she rang just as he was getting really romantic, and said her dog and her bitch were 'doing it' and she did not know how to separate them. Should she throw cold water over them?
No, said the exasperated vet - Just use your mobile to phone your land line.
Why, said the old lady, what good will that do?
Well, said the vet, it worked for me.

Dear Tech Support

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct
slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and
jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.

In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programmes, such as
Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such
as Rugby, Football, Sailing and Continuous TV.
Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
...................................

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is
an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved
Me.html' and try to download Tears.

Don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as
designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery
and Flowers, but remember - overuse of the above application can cause
Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer.
Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the
background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).
Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program.
These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and
cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running
one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve
memory and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

Oh, I like it, Butter !

Great!

butter

soop Rory sounds like a teenager

Fantastic, that one, Butty!

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN, WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

"I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO ".

Shouldn't laugh - but I did!