This made me laugh.......

If you ladies want a laugh. Read the reviews on Amazon for "Veet for Men".

Men be warned, reading these may make you eyes water !

Posted: Thu 15 Mar 2012 22:19 Post subject: Life after Death

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A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is life after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

THEN..........

True to his word, he made the first contact:

" Marion ... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex.

I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens).

Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.

After supper, it's back to golf course again.

Then it's more sex until late at night.

I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"

"No.... I'm a Rabbit near St. Andrews.

Tears started at the rest of the packet of biscuits! Still spluttering......

Sorry, Mobell, I think I may have misunderstood your post, as there was a thread about faux pas.

Just caught up with this thread again after a stressful few weeks, love it

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This is a specially formulated diet designed to help WOMEN cope with the stress that builds during the day

BREAKFAST
1 Grapefruit
1 slice wholemeal toast
1 cup skimmed milk

LUNCH
1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 biscuit

AFTERNOON TEA
The rest of the biscuits from the packet
1 tub of Gino Ginelli ice cream with chocolate topping

DINNER
4 bottles of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size Supreme pizza
3 chocolate bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK
1 whole cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

REMEMBER :
'stressed' spelled backwards is 'desserts'

Send this to four women and you will lose two kilograms

Send this to all the women you know (or ever knew) and you will lose 10 kgs

IF you delete this message you will gain 10 kgs

Finally, here's some advice for you:

Dr. Neil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started........

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished; and, before
leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonay , a bole of Baileys, a butle of Kehuha, a pockage of biscuits , the mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke, some saltins an a bax a cholates..

Yu haf no idr who gud I fel.

Oh dear have I boobed somewhere, I'm in Orkney and in the GMT timezone.

Mobell - what time zone are you in?

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! ( this is apparently a true story)

Scientists at Roll Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets, all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains.

Arrangements were made and a gun was sent to the American engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers watched in shock as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin. The horrified engineers sent Rolls Royce the film of the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:

"Defrost the chicken."

That should be the "faux pas" one.

Tears streaming down my face, keep howling when I think of this, ooooooohhhhh, funniest yet!!!

and Mr soop is too...

Greatnan etcetera

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You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house --.
Mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever.
You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint.
You have your old work clothes on.
You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to B&Q to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:

Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex.
Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane.
And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register...

In your 30's:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes.
You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair.
Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.
The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:

Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands.
Your bottle of Brut Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to B&Q.
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:

Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.
Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo-doo in your new sports car.
Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.
The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.
Then you remember the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms .'

In your 60's:

Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore..
Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:

Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to B&Q until the chemist has your prescriptions ready, too.
Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes.
The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch.

In your 80's:

Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again.
Now you remember you need to go to B&Q.
Go to Asda instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for.
Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name.
You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In your 90's & beyond:

What's B&Q? A new farmstore we queue to get honey?
Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this?
Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?

I just cut and paste them from one of my ex-pat forums. I have to leave out some very funny ones in case they offend some of our members, and I won't touch the racist ones. Nearly everybody who posts is a man, so we can expect the sexist and blonde jokes - I think we can all cope with them.

Greatnan Called to my husband. He couldn't find specs. Read joke to him [inbetween spluttering with laughter]. Both now giggling and wondering - where do you find such jems?

@bagitha - done deal. Will be lots of fun.

@glassortwo - can you remember where you were exactly? Of course for me it is different, as I was born and 'bred' here - not far from Pontarlier.

Sounds great! I'll look forward to that!

We had a fantastic holiday in the Jura when the DC were little.

The 'heavy' thread - are you being rude about my weight now
Now bagitha you'll have to make it over so we can all have a good giggle together - it would be like Thelma, Louise and bagitha on their jollies.

You should hear us when we get together!

Needed a good laugh! You gave me one on this thread, greatnan, and granjura gave me one on the heavy thread. Chuckle McChuckle!

Alas too true. This is me with fuel pumps