This made me laugh.......

Please do not shoot the messenger! GN.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

>>>>Male VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
>>>>
>>>>'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM
machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their
vehicles.

>>>>

>>>>Customers using this new facility are requested to use the
procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

>>>>

>>>>After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have
been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'

>>>>

>>>>*****************************

>>>>MALE PROCEDURE:

>>>>1. Drive up to the cash machine.

>>>>2. Put down your car window.

>>>>3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

>>>>4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

>>>>5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

>>>>6. Put window up.

>>>>7. Drive off.

>>>>

>>>>*****************************

>>>>

>>>>FEMALE PROCEDURE:

>>>>

>>>>1. Drive up to cash machine.

>>>>2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with
the machine.

>>>>3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

>>>>4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate
card.

>>>>5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

>>>>6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

>>>>7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its
excessive distance from the car.

>>>>8. Insert card.

>>>>9. Re-insert card the right way.

>>>>10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the
inside back page.

>>>>11. Enter PIN.

>>>>12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

>>>>13. Enter amount of cash required.

>>>>14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

>>>>15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

>>>>16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

>>>>17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back
of check book.

>>>>18. Re-check makeup.

>>>>19. Drive forward 2 feet.

>>>>20. Reverse back to cash machine.

>>>>21. Retrieve card.

>>>>22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the
slot provided!

>>>>23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

>>>>24. Restart stalled engine and pull out.

>>>>25. Re-dial person on cell phone.

>>>>26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

>>>>27. Release Parking Brake.

glassortwo, they say life is stranger than fiction couldn"t stop laughing about your insurance posting , you sort of imagine people writing these things and thinking this is so outlandish they will believe

Well there you go - beat me to it. I was in my green gym (aka garden) - but it's started raining and strong wind - more snow forecast. Spring? We had it last month - hope for a bit more to come.

granjura lives in Switzerland - 'just' across Lake Geneva from me. I mentioned seeing 'her' Alps and she corrected me - she lives close to the Jura mountains. It is very beautiful and I have had many happy visits.
We met through an expat forum and became firm friends. She is wise and witty and a great cook and can tell me all the names of the plants and birds we see on our walks.

jeni We have standing stones in Kintyre. The peninsula is packed with sites of historical interest. I'm sorry to hear that you are unable to enjoy a very active life. I'm pleased that you have so many good and happy travel memories.

Lot of good archaeology up around that area! I would love to be able to visit the islands and see things like maes Howe and scara brae, to say nothing of all your standing stones and circles!
Unfortunately I can't even get to local sites hey ho! That's life. I have seen some marvellous things in my life. I've been very lucky.
Also the holy land on the QE with maniac should be fun in september, I can't wait!

jeni the very same...and beautiful they are in the sunlight

Paps of?

granjura Do you live on Jura? It is a beautiful island to which we have a grand sea view.

This is a joke I really love, and yet many to not quite 'get it' lol.

How many men does it take to paper a bathroom?

Hmmm depends how thinly you slice them.

(No man hater me, been married to the same one for nearly 41 years - but I've always done all the decorating in our house - a/ because he didn't have time b/ because he didn't have the inclination c/ because he is just hopeless at it! bless his cotton socks - he is VERY clever though - and made sure he made a pig's ear of the first couple of jobs, so he could get out of it in future )

Greatnan...they get better and better...

Greatnan

man goes into the bookstore and asks the young lady assistant.

"Do you have that new book out for men with short penises? I can't

remember the title.

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

The man replies, "That's the one, I'll take a copy!!"

Lol, that's what used to drive my aunt, who is now ninety, nutty when I used to stay with her! She is always tidy!
I must put the group photo taken at my 67th and her90th partyonmy profile!

You will have to keep your room tidy!

Yes please!

I would love to be your aunt, jeni - shall I adopt you?

You aren't my aunt are you? She sounds just like my mother

You wouldn't forget her, jeni, she is lovely but can be stubborn. We once had a long, long argument when I had taken her to Lake Garda. She said the earth had its own light source because she had seen it shining in photos taken from satellites. I tried to point out that the side facing away from the sun would be dark, but she got very angry and said her sons knew more about astronomy than me and she would ask them. Perhaps she did, because she has never mentioned it again!

I wonder if ive met your sister? She sounds like some people I know!

Here's another true story- my lovely but slightly batty sister was at the doctor's when he remarked that the nails on only one hand were bitten. She replied very seriously that she had a split personality.

, SOOP!!

green...I know someone just like that!

This isn't really a joke, because it actually happened to one of my workmates. She's one of those people that things 'happen' to! She used to have a really old Mini, and was trundling along one of the roads in town, hit a bit of a bump, and the car stalled and the bumper fell away. A police car coming in the opposite direction, stopped and the policeman came over to her. She was sitting in the car crying (T used to cry a lot...). He asked her what she'd been doing (meaning what speed) when the car started to fall to pieces, and she answered, "Singing...". Bless her!

iamjingl...