This made me laugh.......

My mate made his girlfriend's dreams come true and married her in a
castle. Although you wouldn't have thought it from the look on her
miserable face as we were bouncing around, she is so ungrateful.

Brilliant notso

A piece of black tarmac walks into a bar and shouts "I'm the hardest
bastard in here!"Barman says "Calm down mate, of course you are,
you're a piece of tarmac!" Then a piece of red tarmac walks in and
says "I'll fight anyone…. Who wants a beating?!" Black tarmac stays
silent. The barman says to the black tarmac "Why didn't you say
anything? I thought you wanted a fight?" Black tarmac replies "I'm not
messing with him he's a bloomin cyclepath!"

have just read first two pages of jokes i havent laughed so much for a long time ,off to the loo quick. thanks to all of you realy cheered me up only joined gransnet a couple of days ago what a great gang you are

Most of the members who post jokes on my expat forums are men - for some reason women don't seem to post any - but I will try to remember to reverse them in future!

I thought exactly the same. Not pedantic, just turn-the-tables on usual sexist jokes.

Switch them if you like - it's just a joke.

Could we possibly have a g-r-o-a-n emoticon for such contingencies?

Wouldn't this one be improved if the sexes were switched?

Wife by text to husband at work

"Windows at home frozen - what should I do?"

Husband - "spray some de-icer or pour hot water on them"

Wife a few minutes later - "Done that, now computer won't work at all"

Three, one to count the misplaced apostrophes, one to point out the impracticalities and one to need it explained (and not get it even then)

Pedants couldn't ruin a good joke and a bad joke is already a useless thing.

How many pedants does it take to ruin a joke?

Dear son-in-law from the IOW says "...they haven't had ferries with a "hold" for a good 30 years... Even the catamarans that replaced the steamers have been replaced recently as the first batch were worn out.........."

Nitpicking.

But he did laugh.

I needed that, Greatnan, on a dreich morning like this. Hope for some

That made me laugh out loud Greatnan!

A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the
wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship.
I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia, the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold.
>From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.
Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's scr*wing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."

thanks that has cheered me up

I was listening to Brain of Britain on Saturday night when there was a very amusing answer.
If you want to listen on the iplayer it's at 24 minutes into the programme.

Questionmaster - What is the name of the underwear supplier to the Queen established in the 1960s?

Man 1 - Pelling and Row?

Questionmaster - No

Man 2 - Ann Summers?

Questionmaster - No, (long pause for audience laughter) shall we call the Tower of London?

The correct answer is Rigby and Peller

My favourite real sign is the one on the M62 which says 'Do not throw stones at this sign'.

It reminds me of the passengers on an Irish jet that was going to crash land some years ago. They came out of it intact, and reported that on the way down, it didn't help to see the sign 'Terminal' as they were about to touch the runway!

I attended my local hospital this week and on the front door was a notice that said "Medical clinics and Departure Lounge" - it did not instil confidence!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Did I read that sign right?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD


Outside a second-hand shop:


WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari parkI sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

After a busy day, an elderly friend of mine settled down in his train from Waterloo for a nap as far as his destination at Winchester, when the chap sitting near him hauled out his mobile and started up:-

"Hi darling it's Peter, I'm on the train
- yes, I know it's the 6.30 not the 4.30 but I had a long
meeting
- no, not with my secreatary, with the boss
- no darling you're the only one in my life
- yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc.

This was still going on at Wimbledon, when the young woman opposite, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice,
"Hey, Peter, turn that bloody phone off and come back to bed!!"