This made me laugh.......

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua . As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman Said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there.
We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand.
This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought,"What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said,



"A Chihuahua? They gave me a freaking Chihuahua ?!"

Hear, hear!!

Fabulous Greatnan

Wonderful Greatnan ...keep'em coming

This happened on TAM Airlines (Brasil air company) on a flight between New York and South America.

A 50-something year old white woman arrived at her seat and saw that the passenger next to her was a black man.

Visibly furious, she called the air hostess.

"What's the problem, ma?" the hostess asked her.

"Can't you see?" the lady said - "I was given a seat next to a black man. I can't sit here next to him. You have to change my seat"

- "Please, calm down, ma" - said the hostess
"Unfortunately, all the seats are occupied, but I'm still going to check if we have any."

The hostess left and returned some minutes later.

"Madam, as I told you, there isn't any empty seat in economy class. And I spoke to the captain and he confirmed this. We only have seats in the first class."

And before the woman said anything, the hostess continued:

"Look, it is unusual for our company to allow a passenger from the economy class change to the first class. However, given the circumstances, the commandant thinks that it would be a scandal to make a passenger travel sat next to an unpleasant person."

And turning to the black man, the hostess said:

"Which means, Sir, if you would be so nice to pack your handbag, we have reserved you a seat in the first class ...!"

And all the passengers nearby, who were shocked to see the scene started applauding, some standing on their feet.

Oh, are they supposed to be clean? That will limit my scope.
Sex is just so funny, isn't it?
I do try to avoid any jokes that are discriminatory - your hair would curl at some of them on my expat forums.

Thank you for so many laughs (and for jokes that I can pass on!)

Can't remember if I've posted my favourite clean joke, need to check back.

Senior moment disclaimer.

I think I have already done that, flowerfriend!

Greatnan Nearly wet myself at the last one. Sorry Gransnetters to have lowered the tone.

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?' The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down? The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'

'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.' And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex.' She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.' He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is... Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!' 'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light..' After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!' Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving ?'

Glad you enjoy them - I will pinch one a day from my two expat forums!

Greatnan, you are responsible for my choking on my breakfast.

Greatnan I appreciated your jokes so much I have written them down so I can spring them on DH later on as we travel down to Canterbury for the day.

Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.'
'Pension sex?' 'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'

LOUD SEX

A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
'I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
He lets out this ear splitting yell.'

'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is..'
'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'



QUIET SEX


Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
During a recent lovemaking session,
'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'
She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!'


SEX & ARGUMENTS

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary The husband yelled, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'.'

'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'


WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, 'This will make you happy tonight..'

He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.



ELDERLY SEX

One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found
her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on the charge of murder.
The judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex...He could fly

Love it.

Poems

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand..
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.



A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking.. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh#t

A Scottish Soldier in full dress uniform marches into a chemist shop. Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to
reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it. The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the chemist.

"Six pence," says the chemist.

"How much for a new one?"

"Ten pence" says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door,
shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout. The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemist and
addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

"The regiment has taken a vote," he says. "We'll have a new one."

Mr. Jones was telling his wife how he he been speaking to the milkman who told him that he had slept with all the women in the street bar one. Mrs. Jones reply was - I bet that was the stuck-up bitch at no.34

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

oOo

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." "Really, ..." says Mick "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

oOo

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

oOo

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

oOo

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid...then I was petrified.

oOo

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

oOo

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

oOo

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a
Coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot .....

oOo

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70! "Blow this," I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."

oOo

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

oOo

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

oOo

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

oOo

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."

oOo

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?

The old ones are the best!!!!

Next day, Bessie decides that the recreation room could do with a bit of a shakeup so she strips off and runs in one door, through the room in the buff and out at the other.

One of the elderly gentlemen looks up from the television at another and asks "Who was that tearing through in such a hurry?"

"I think it was Bessie" he replied. "I don't know what it was she was wearing, but it could do with an iron"

80-year old Bessie bursts into the recreation room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

I never remember jokes, except this one:
Mother Anna is asking Sixth Form girls what they are going to do when they leave school. One girl replies she is going to be a prostitute. Mother Anna faints dead away. When she comes round, she fainly asks the girl to repeat her response. 'A prostitute, Mother'. 'Oh, thank God, I thought you said a protestant'.

Otherwise, I just nick them from my three ex-pat forums!

If a quiz is quizzical, what is a test?

Where do you get these from greatnan? They're priceless