This made me laugh.......

I Thought You Were My Wife
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up
her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her.

The pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs. As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question.

"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?".

"No Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are not".

"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?", Dopey questions.

"No Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no dwarf nuns in Italy."

"Mr. Pope," Dopey asks pleadingly, "are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

"No Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

And softly in the background the six remaining dwarves start chanting, "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin."

The carburettor
"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburettor."

"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburettor is."

"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburettor."

"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"
"In the swimming pool."

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was
nicely made, and everything was picked up.

Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was
addressed, ’Dad.'

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter,
with trembling hands.

'Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I
had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene
with Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all
her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she
is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods,
and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people
in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so
Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your
many grandchildren.

Love, your son,

Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than
the school report that's on the kitchen table.

Call when it is safe for me to come home.

Church Bells
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

greatnan

Wonderful.

One of your best Greatnan!

Greatnan, in my day the church bells joke ended with a fire engine passing by! Of course it would be a siren nowadays so not applicable.

Alligator Shoes
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.

She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blondeshouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank.

Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement.

Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Angry Truck Driver
A blonde had just got a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver.

He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket.

He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde to stand in the circle and not move.

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.

When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh, you think that's funny? Watch this."

He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.

When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad.

He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.

Now she's laughing.

The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.

He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

"What's so funny?" The truck driver asked the blonde.

She replied, "When you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle 4 times."

Driver's Licence
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her licence.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my licence and then today you expect me to show it to you."

Great Writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

stuffucanuse.com/airport/airport-announcement.htm

Male Bashing
Q. What did God say after creating Adam
A. I must be able to do better than that.

Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg?
A. They won't stop to ask for directions.

Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded.

Q. How are men and parking spots alike?
A. Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

Q. What is the one thing that all men at single bars have in common?
A. They are all married.

Greatnan It's good to be back to find that you're still firing on all cylinders!

Husband's Great Gift
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Reminds me of the time I had a bone graft from my hip to my upper jaw, I used to love it when my boss would give me a peck on the cheek as a thank you!

Mix Up at the Hospital
This guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix up, he ended up having a complete sex change.

All of the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news.

Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him.

"Oh no!" he moaned, "this means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!"

"Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. It'll just have to be someone else's, that's all."

Greatnan you are on a roll, but could you possibly click on my link, seeing as how I went to great lengths to do it?

Well, maybe not exactly great lengths, but I did need to ask for advice!

Sorry, Phoenix, I forgot to mention it, but I did click and open your link! I hadn't heard about that practical joke before.

I had another look,Phoenix, and I can't see any reference to your wanting advice- have I missed something? I am useless at anything technical anyway.

Sorted now, Greatnan thanks!

Off to Vegas
A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.

'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.

The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'

I hasten to say that I was blonde for about 40 years so I hope nobody takes offence - Greatnan.

NEW INVENTIONS BY BLONDES:

The water-proof towel

Glow in the dark sunglasses

Solar powered flashlight

Submarine screen door

A book on how to read

Inflatable dart board

A dictionary index

Powdered water

Pedal powered wheel chair

Water proof tea bags

Zero proof alcohol

Reusable ice cubes

Skinless bananas

Do it yourself roadmap