This made me laugh.......

The new footman heard a French phrase which puzzled him so he asked the butler what a "faux pas" was.

"Well, James," replied the butler, "Do you remember how last Sunday afternoon Miss Jemima was walking with the vicar in the rose garden, and he gallantly picked a rose to give her, tearing his hand badly on a thorn as he did so? And then later, while you were serving tea on the lawn, Miss Jemima was kind enough to ask him "Oh vicar, is your prick still throbbing?" and you exclaimed "Jesus H Christ!" and dropped the tray of Madame's best china?"

"That was a faux pas, James, that was a faux pas."

Thinning of jing who apparently didn't know about fellatio

What do you mean "back to" ???? Have I missed something????

Back to cunnilingus!

OK, picture the scene, the American Deep South, a hot night, the crickets are chirping, and Primrose, Delilah and Tulip are sitting out on the front porch, in their rocking chairs, sipping their mint juleps.

As has always happened, eventually the talk turns to their men. (Please try to imagine the accents, sort of like the unseen help in the old Tom & Jerry cartoons)

Primrose " Hey Tulip, tell me again, what's that name you calls yo man?

Tulip " Why, I calls him Big John, 'cos he's a big man,yo know what I'm saying? So what do yo call yo man?"

Primrose " Well, I calls him 7up, 'cos when we gets down to it, there's 7 inches up where it matters, if yo get my drift! Anyways, Delilah, what you call yo man?"

Delilah " I calls him Drambuie"

Primrose " Drambuie!? Why the hell yo call him Drambuie? Aint that some kinda fancy liquor?"

Delilah " Um hm, that's my man!"

Yes Elegran

Don't remember it phoenix but then I do have a dreadful memory for jokes!

Would you like my "What is a faux pas?" too ?

Doesn't matter if you did ...give it again!!

Please can someone tell me if I've already posted my "3 ladies in the Deep South, discussing their menfolk" joke? (on another thread, obviously, I'm not quite that bad!)

Wonderful Greatnan

The old lady sent her husband down to the allotment to collect some fresh peas. When he didn't return, she went looking for him, and found him lying face down in the vegetable plot, dead. She ran back to tell her neighbour, who said 'oh dear, what are you going to do now?' 'I'll have to open a tin of peas!' she sighed.

Priceless Greatnan!

Most of the people who post jokes are men, so expect plenty of chauvinism!

Just said to the missus…”Hey fat gut..what do you want for Valentine's Day?”
She said “Don’t get bloody lippy”
I said “Mascara it is then!”

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I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!

I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered Wheatherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30.

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Norwegian, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a
Brazilian, a Canadian, an Argentinean, a Korean and a Swiss man walked into a pub. The bouncer says “Sorry.. I can’t let you in without a Thai. "

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You won’t hear from me for a while, mate. Being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables… I gotta lilo.

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News just in… There’s a female ref for the United v City match. The kick-off has been put back an hour so Julie can park her car.

On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in the snow-bound UK, Were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 16 to 20 cm of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow ploughs can get through."So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 20 to 24 cm of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so
The snow ploughs can get through. The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio Announcer says, "We are expecting 24 to 28 cm of snow today. You must park....Then the electric power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face. She said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men exhibit when they have been married for a while, the husband replied. "Why don't you just leave the *** car in the garage this time

Yes, I just cut and paste them from my ex-pat forum, but I will have to be careful to choose the less risque jokes! I don't want to offend anyone of a nervous disposition. Watch this thread!

Do you have any more Greatnan??

Thank you greatnan. Every Monday deserves a good joke.

I know what he meant - before I got hard faced if I went into a chemist's shop for sanitary towels and a man was on the counter, I always bought a packet of safety pins!

Greatnan

How do we top that Greatnan?