This made me laugh.......

Lawyer In Hell
A lawyer died and was delivered into the devil's hands. "You will be spending eternity here, but I'll let you pick your own room from three I'll show you," the devil said.

In the first room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a brick floor. "I don't like that," said the man. "Show me the second."

In the second room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a wood floor. "Well, that's better than brick," the man said, "but show me the third."

In the third, thousands of people were standing ankle-deep in a room full of maggot infested garbage, all drinking coffee.

"I'll choose this room," he said.

Into the room he went and the door slammed behind him.

Immediately, the voice of a minor demon rang out, "OK, coffee break is over, back on your heads."

It would be interesting to see the figures for our own H of P. Greatnan.

Who's In Charge
Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

New Lawyer
Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.

As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking..

"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million.."

"Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support.."

"Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details.."

This sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy.

What can I do for you?"

The man replied "I'm from the phone company..I came to hook up your phone."

Space For Rent
One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman."

Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."

She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.

The following morning the man presented her with $125.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other $125.00, I'll sue you for it."

He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds." Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.

His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."

After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125.00, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."

The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent

had presented the case. His defense therefore was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, which he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."

The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed; he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."

In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the $125.00 or have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages."

The defendant immediately wrote a check.

Generous lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Just another few lawyer jokes and I will start on doctors!

to all of you

Ariadne

What do you call a teacher with no arms, legs or torso?

The Head

An Englishman, a Scotsman and and Irishman were discussing nationalities

The Englishman said "If I wasn't English, I would be Scottish"

The Scotsman said if I wasn't Scottish, I would be English"

The Irishman said "If I wasn't Irish I would be ashamed of meself"

An Irishman was sitting in a pub having a quiet drink, two Englishmen walked in and decided they would tease him.
One walked across to the Irishman and said "I hear St Patrick was a liar and a thief"

"Is that so" said the Irishman "I didn't know that"

The Englishman tried again "I also hear he was a fornicator and a drunk"

Again the Irishman just said "is that so - I didn't know that".

The Englishman went back to his friend and said "its impossible - he won't rise to the bait"

The second Englishman said "I'll get him going", walked over to the Irishman and said "I hear that St. Patrick was an Englishman"

"Yes" said the Irishman "so your friend just told me"

Punishment
A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate encounter with a beautiful young woman.

"What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."

Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

Testifying
A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness:

The lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?"

The witness: "Yes, sir."

The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"

The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."

The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"

The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question."

Thank you, the other nellie! The lawyer jokes are for jeni, but I will be moving on to doctor joke so our retired gp's should be warned (although they are always ready for a laugh).
I have to screen out some very funny jokes because they are based on racism and homophobia and I think only the people involved are entitled to make those jokes. I can do Irish jokes because I am part Irish and I can do Jewish jokes because all the Jews I have known have had a great sense of humour and enjoy such jokes. Gender/blonde jokes are OK because we all know that stereotyping by gender or hair colour is nonsense but if any member complained I would have to have a rethink.
There are some good religious jokes, but I am not too sure about the sense of humour of some believers (perhaps they could put my mind at rest?) and as an atheist I have to be careful.
Jokes about sex are OK as long as the language is not too crude.
I have not had any complaints so far but I am always open to suggestions and/or criticisms.

Help I am making my self late sitting here reading this stuff when I need to go out. Another time but keep the rolling!

Oh Greatnan where do you find them? They have cheered me up for the day!

Taking It With You
As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.

He called for the three men he trusted most his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."

All three agreed to do this and were given the money.

At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.

While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."

The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."

The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

Wait til tues when I'm sitting again[gron]

Legal Laughs
The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide..

1. Was that the same nose you broke as a child? <

2. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

3. Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?

4. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

5. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

6. Were you alone or by yourself?

7. How long have you been a French Canadian?

8. Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

9. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

10. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

11. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

12. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

13. Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

14. So you were gone until you returned?

15. Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?

16. You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

17. Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

18. Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

19. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

20. Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy

Right, just for you, jeni, I will find more lawyer jokes.

I just loooove those last two!

The Devil's Lawsuit
There was a contruction worker who was working on a building when he fell 15 stories to his bloody death.

He arrived at the pearly gates and St. Peter said "Oh, I am sorry, my son. But you have been sentenced to hell."

The worker agreed - not like he could do anything else - and he was on his way.

When he arrived, the devil looked at him and said, "Ah! A new slave. We shall burn you and throw you in the fiery pits."

Then the worker replied, "That wall could use a bit of patching. I could fix it first and you could throw me in the pit afterward." So he fixed the wall.

Satan, intrigued, asked, "What else can you build?"

So the construction worker went about his job and made many improvements; in fact, by the time he was done, hell was a paradise. It had air conditioning, pools, balconies, you name it.

Within a few days, God phoned Satan and said, "I think there has been a mix-up. That worker was originally supposed to come to heaven."

Satan replied, "No way -- he's built all sorts of useful stuff for us. We're keeping him."

God then said, "Oh, yeah? Well, I'll see you in court. We're going to sue you for this man's soul and damages."

Satan just laughed: "And where are you going to find a lawyer

And these are the best that the most powerful country in the world has to offer as lawmakers.

As the following are attributed to named people in, or close to, US
government we can possibly believe the quotes are true, not just
'allegedly'.

A DC Flight Ticket Agent offers some examples of why the US is in so
much trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an
aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the
window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard
Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the
length of the flight and the passport information, and then he
interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but
Cape Town is in Massachusetts ...''
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod
is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in South Africa ..''
His response -- click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about
a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in
Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to
explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the
state.
He replied, 'Don't lie to me!, I looked on the map, and Florida is a
very THIN state!!''

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is
it possible to see England from Canada?''

I said, ''No.''
She said, ''But they look so close on the map'.'

5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and
asked if he could rent a car in Dallas.

I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas.

When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard
Dallas was a big airport and that we'll need a car to drive between
gates to save time.''

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She
needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left
at 8:30 am, and got to Chicago at 8:33 am.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she
couldn't understand the concept of time zones.

Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do
airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose
luggage belongs to whom?''

I said, 'No, why do you ask?'
He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag
on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very
rude!''
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was
dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno,
Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a
destination tag on his luggage..

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a
trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she
asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the
train to Hawaii ?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright
from Ala. who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told
my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on
them.''

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to
Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer
planes?''
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola and fly on a commuter plane.
She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11. Mary Landrieu, La. Senator, called and had a question about the
documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy
discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa.
"Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have
one of those.''
I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I
told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and
every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations,
''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.''
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the
name of the town?''
'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked
up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere."
''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is.
Check your map!''
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You
don't mean Buffalo, do you?''
The reply? - ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Could ANYONE be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN USA POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.
Now you know why the Government is in the shape it's in!

I don't write it, I just offer it for your consideration. Like manure,
you just gotta spread it around