need a friend

Greatnan; I had that sort of problem with friends of my husband, not after we divorced but while we were still married. One was staying with us for the weekend and then started making suggestions on the Monday morning after my husband had gone to work. I was so upset; told my husband when he came home, he just laughed and said 'oh, that's just so and so, you know what he's like'. He then made me go to that friends wedding a few months later even though I didn't want to go. And another friend of his kept coming round when my husband wasn't home; I'm so naive I just thought he wanted a cup of tea. Again my husband thought it was funny.Prior to getting married we'd always lived in shared student houses, so I was used to having other men floating round the house and didn't behave any differently to how I would if they were female. What annoys me to this day is that, if a woman does that to a friend it's regared as awful [and it does happen] but when men do it's a case of, 'well, you know what men are like, snigger'. It really hurt me that someone could betray the trust of a friend. Maybe I was at fault in that I was so put down by my husband it never occurred to me that men might find me attractive and didn't behave correctly. Who knows.

Charlotta, I understand what you're saying. Friendships sometimes die a natural death. I have one very good friend who I've known since we both worked in the same place over 30 years ago. Our lives have followed similar patterns, with similar ups and downs - relationship-wise and also family-wise in certain ways, too. We live near to each other and visit each other occasionally. But what we do do, is talk to each other. This sometimes can take the form of a text or, if there are more pressing and involved matters, then we speak on the phone. She is a fount of wisdom and never fails to settle me. I think it works that way for her too, when she speaks to me. We have the same sense of humour, too......!!

Confession time. One of the reasons I stopped joining things is because I became more self-aware as I got older. My daughters had been trying to warn me, tactfully, for years, that I always dominated any company and seemed to think I was the only person with anything interesting to say.
I , too, find silences uncomfortable and I would jump in and waffle away, mainly about myself and my family.
Since I started listening to other people, (or reading their posts carefully) I have become much humbler.
People often said to me 'You seem so confident but I'll bet it is just a front and you are very nervous underneath'. Wrong. I was as confident (over-confident?) as I seemed. It was a big help when I started teaching and lecturing - I loved having a captive audience! I did learn to listen to my pupils and I didn't talk much about my own life to them as it was not appropriate.

Women seemed to like me more than men, who found me too combative, but I did meet some men who actually relished being challenged. Luckily, one was my millionaire employer who was used to people being obsequious and enjoyed what he called my 'cheek'.

I was always able to attract men sexually, but most backed off when they discovered how opinionated I was. I was surprised and disappointed to find after my divorce that very many men who had been one of the couples in our social set suggested they could 'meet my needs'. I hope my obvious contempt had some effect on them. My husband's best friend was one of them, and also the husband of my own best friend. No, I didn't give them the wrong signals - the only signal they needed was that I was 'available'.

Old greymare- Yes that is true, and when I look back I am still in contact with the schoolfriend who witnessed our wedding ( no bridesmaids).She had a bad time with an abusive husband, living on benefit and I just rose up the ladder.
A matter of good luck but it became increasingly difficult to keep on seeing her. my normal conversation sounded like boasting. Later we moved away and now I see her when revisting my home town. I tried to help her and sent her a cheque to see private consultant for a problem which the NHS was dragging its feet about. After that I heard nothing more and she didn't cash the cheque. Then years later she contacted my brother and got my a new address and now we meet again.
You see you can't always do the right thing even when you have a friend and friendships fade away quite naturally.
I would want less now from a friend. Just some interesting conversation - the best thing of all.

nelliedean I could waffle for GB, and faff!
Charlotta you made the point far better than I could (see your comment about DD2)... I also think(?) I was trying to say that our need for friends and types of friendship alters over the years.
Green I do really identify with you and your friend xx

It is so nice to know that there is always someone there when you log on. I have a good friend but she still works full time and has a son with special needs so we often have to cancel our evenings together. Last night was the third week in a row that we have had to cancel so I came on Gransnet to see what everybody wa up to

mmm...starting to recognise myself here...is that why friends say ' we must ask Lin, she's such good value'! Am really cringing, now, at the thought of myself at the last wedding I went to relating to a friend, hilariously and with hand movements, the intricate details of a 'male' operation a friend's husband had recently had ( which he had just related to me, I might add) while unknown to me , he was standing right behind me....aah, the embarassment of it!

glassortwo - I know that feeling of being taken over by another personality! I think everyone does it to a certain extent, but sometimes if I'm in a stressful situation, or at a wedding etc. meeting new people, I somehow affect their way of speech and mannerisms ! It can be a bit disconcerting....

varya..here is another hand for you and some xx

yes it is sewsilver here is a virtual cuppa and a slice of cake..dont let it go cold nowxxxxx[tea][cake]

Glass I suffer from 'foot in mouth syndrome' not every one appreciates my humour which is quite dry but also quite bawdy depending how much wine I have to drink,even worse when at parties people and friends who know me like to encourage the beast out of the closet...mayhem

Thank you Nelliedeane. Gransnet is so COnsoling isn't it?

Oldgreymare - I did have to laugh about your story about your mac! I remember years ago, talking to a friend (who was similarly afflicted with the verbal diarrhoea). We agreed that were both so worried about uneasy silences with others, that before we knew it, we'd have told them the worst bits of our life stories and showed them our stretch marks.

charlotta you are very insightful about your own character,and honest I would be happy to be your friend

Good evening everyone, thank you for your kind messages and I hope today went well for you. Busy at work and then back to a silent man and long lonely evening - but it's good to know how many people here are holding out the hand of friendship.

Do you think its strange how similar we are! You might not think so when you read the next paragraph

I have found a few times when meeting a new group of people that I have turned into this person who looks like me but is not acting like the real me.... it a bit disconcerting. Hope its not a split personality and I think why did I say that, thats not something I would say or do, do I do it as thats what they are expecting or have I totally lost my marbles it is usually when I am uncomfortable and on edge about the situation I am in.

Wow I've been away for a few days and friendlessness has broken out on GN. I thought you were all such successes socially, always on face book and mobiles, and find out you are sitting at home wishing you had close friend, or more friends, just like I am most of the time.

My DD2 has the friendmaking gene. She just has to appear at a parents' meeting or similar and then the invites for coffee follow
We joke in the family about her having a friend for every stage in her life. School, Uni, work, ante-natal, post-natal playgroup etc. She has gathered these friends and is still friends with them all.

I have not been able to learn anything from her. I am too dominant for many people to want me as a friend. Still I do have a couple of friends and one I can just call on for help or a chat. Still I would not be against another friend but find it hard going. I didn't like the u3a as I found it cliquey and also boring.
GN is developing into something quite rare. A place to find friends!

OGM suffer from that affliction as well,and waffling .xx

I'm generally happy with my own company and luckily have several friends BUT I do suffer from 'verbal diarrhoea' if a stranger starts a conversation.
Today, in town, someone said they liked the mac I was wearing. Instead of just saying thankyou, smiling and walking on, I launched into a description of where I bought it, the fact that it had been reduced so was a bargain, that I had a similar one in black.
People must think 'poor old dear, no-one to talk to!'
These posts have set me wondering about friendship, the nature of which does change as we get older.
Primary school friends, playing for hours without a care in the world.
Secondary school friends close and confiding (crying over boyfriends, keeping secrets)
College friends, a difficult time as I started 3 weeks after everyone else and by then close friendships were established so it was difficult to 'break into' a group and I felt an outsider for a long time.
Will stop there......I think the point is made.

Oh, thank you so much, nellie! ((hug))

sewsilver I agree joining in with women our own age in a clique is as daunting as trying to break into an established group as teenagers this is for you too

Anagram I try to find the quietest person on their own in a crowd or gathering then concentrate on talking to them and making them feel comfortable I dont think you are unfriendly you arent on your own here you sounded so unhappy then and a

Another tall and inwardly shy gran here. Helps so much to know other people feel the same way. The world seems full of women my age out with their friends. I don't know if I have less friends since partly retiring or if I just notice the gaps. Gransnet has been my salvation too.it's hard to make new friends when you feel underconfident.

Oh well, looks like I'm on my own then! Because I'm reserved, I come over as unfriendly, but inside I'm just dying to be bubbly and extrovert - it just isn't me, I'm afraid. A quote from Victoria Wood has stuck in my mind for many years "Shyness after the age of 30 is an affectation." So I have tried not to appear shy ...