Drinks at a funeral

Oh Nonu, that realization that the buck now stops with me......when the rough stuff happens I cant phone my darling Mum and have a good old moan and somehow feel so much better even when she could not actually do anything. Its taught me that one of the best things I can do for my girls is just be there to listen to them when they have a problem. I might not always be able to wave a wand and make it better but I can just listen, listen and somehow help to soak it up.

Hilda W you are right 110 % . Bags know what you mean about not remembering , it is quite unbearable when a parent passes, you never think they are not going to be there, also we now move up into the front line [bit sad, even after all the years]

Ella46, sound advise.
Have been to several funeral/memorial services. We have pretty much customised to suit occassion and person. So, for my Mum at home, it was a glass of sherry to wish her on her way and teas and coffees. At another we all raised a glass of champagne (she was that kind of lady) and at yet another it was a relaxed 'pay for it' yourself bar. I think if anyone has the gall to criticise how a family does a funeral etc they have no business being there.

HappyNanna That seems sensible and practical. I'm sure that people will find such an arrangement perfectly acceptable. I have to admit that I feel the need for something a little stronger than tea or coffee on such occasion but don't feel that it is essential for those doing the organising to pay. An accessible bar is extremely convenient and the ideal solution.

Thanks everyone for your comments. I've decided to provide tea & coffee and let everyone who wants an alcoholic drink to sort themselves out at the bar.

That's good, nonu. We had a sit down meal after my aunt's funeral three years ago, at a hotel. There weren't many people and her 'estate' paid for it (lawyer had power of attorney). After my father's funeral what we had at my mother's house was more like a wake. It was lovely. Mum got caterers to deliver a buffet and cold drinks. I can't remember anything else except how nice it was to talk to my father's old friends.

So I don't think there is a fashion. I think people just go with the flow, the details of which will depend on the deceased person's nearest and dearest or, as in my aunt's case, someone else in charge.

I don't know about you others but I am always ready for drink after a funeral, but a cognac or a whisky and then lots of tea. I'd be prepared to buy my own as it is only one.
That being said most of the funerals I go to are dry. Not a drink in sight, either because its morning or early afternoon.

We provided a glass of wine after both parents' funerals. Finger buffet, then tea and coffee and a slice of cake. Pretty much the same for uncle and aunt who had a joint funeral. These were all in their homes, so there was no opportunity to patronise a bar.

The last funeral we went to there was s it down meal because almost everyone had travelled a long way and many from abroad. This was good in that people got to chat and eat properly before going to their hotel. There were just a few bottles of wine on the table. The previous one I went to was held in a private room in a pub and there was a buffet and people bought their own drinks. Tea and coffee was also in great supply all the time and I saw more cups than glasses in use.

Don"t think people do , just making an observation

I think its a bit like weddings, you will never please everyone so do just what you want unless you know what the deceased wishes were. My family know what I want, a big party!

I would go along with the offer of a drink, hard or /soft when they arrive (might be cold and wet) and then let people fend for themselves with tea and coffee on offer too.

I mean so rude as to say anything if they would have done things differently.

Why would anyone care about fashion at a funeral? Just do what suits you. If people don't like it, tough. But surely nobody's that rude?

Time was when people had a sit down meal , but supposed that is really , really old fashioned now

Yes, if it's just a small gathering of mainly relatives with a few friends, they probably won't eat that much, and will probably only have a couple of drinks, especially if they're driving.
There was a hugh amount of food left after my sister-in-law's funeral, we had madly overestimated!

When I worked in a pub, we had quite a lot of funeral gatherings. I would make sure there is tea and coffee, as most people have to drive.
To be honest, too much alcohol at a sad affair can cause its own problems.

I reckon it depends on how well off you are/how much you want to spend and ALSO the amount of drink that is likely to be consumed. Which can vary a great deal. Some people see a free bar as an invitation to get completely hammered with multiple pints plus single malt chasers. Others just want a second diet coke.

I don't think there is a set protocol for this, just depends how much you want to spend. A tray of drinks is fine but if you want to provide more that's fine too.

Yes, have some trays of drinks waiting as they walk in and they can decide whether they want a drink off the tray or just go to the bar; when the trays are empty, people will just look after themselves. They don't need feeding up, either, just a few refreshments, sandwiches, something to snack on before their journey back home. They'll be busy chatting and renewing acquaintances to need much looking after.

What about a free drink - whatever is appropriate - as they arrive, then they can use the bar.