Just jokes

A man solves the problem of too many visiting relatives. He borrowed money from the rich ones and loaned it to the poor ones. Now none of them come back

With all the new technology regarding fertility, recently a
65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was
discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

' Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'

I can`t stop giggling!

Mr soop is guffawing.

Granny23 OMG!!!

Granny 23 just logged on to GN and yourvpostvmadevme roar with laughter. Thanks!

Ohhh! Loved that, Granny23

Subject: Always Wear Clean Underwear in Public

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Daily News comes this story of a

Leicester couple who drove their car to ASDA, only to have their car break down in the car park. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband, who was standing idly by, watching. The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

dottilind

Please bear with me, as I have to write a letter, and I am Half Irish so I do not intend to upset anyone. Here goes.

Letter from Irish mother to her son.

Dear son,
Just a few lines to let you know I am still alive. I am writing this letter slowly because I know you cant read fast. You wont know the house when you come back, as we have moved. About your father, he has a lovely job, hes cutting the grass in the cemetary. Your brother Sean is doing well in the army. Hes only been a soldier for 2 weeks and already they have made him a court martial.
There was a lovely washing machine in the new house when we moved in, but its not working too good, last week I put 4 shirts in pulled the chain and I havent seen them since. Your sister has had a baby but I dont know if its a girl or a boy, so i cant tell you if your an aunty or an uncle. Your uncle Dick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey, some of his work mates dived in to save him, but he fought them off bravely. We cremated him and it took 4 days to put out the fire.
It only rained twice last week, once for 4 days and then for 3 days. Monday was so windy, that one of our chickens laid the same egg 5 times. We had a letter from the undertaker about your grangmas funeral, he said that if the last instalment was not paid in the next 7 days, up she comes. Your cousin Patrick made his own cider, he went out and crushed 56 woodpeckers.
From your loving mother.xxx

ps. I was going to put £5 in but already sealed the envelope.

This guy pulls into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure his dog had fresh air. The dog was stretched out in the back seat, and the guy wanted to impress upon he that he must remain there. The guy walked to the curb backward, pointing his finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!” The driver of a nearby car gave the guy a startled look “I don’t know about you, man,” he said incredulously. “But I usually just put my car in park.”

After dating a young lady for some time a young man decides it is time to marry her.

He proceeds with all the necessary plans and finally the day comes.

On the day of the wedding the young man has yet to pay the pastor for performing the ceremony. However the pastor has a plan.

The service proceeds as planned the vows are exchanged etc. Now it is time for the groom to kiss his bride. The pastor sees this as the perfect opportunity to ask to be paid. He pulls the young man aside and asks him. Can you please pay me?

Not wanting to create a scene the young man asked. How much do I owe you?

The pastor thinks quickly and replies, pay me according to your wife's beauty.

The young man discreetely pulled out five dollars and gave it to the pastor.

Although annoyed by this, the pastor continues the ceremony and says; you may now kiss the bride. At this point the veil is lifted from the bride's face to allow the groom to kiss her. As the groom is about to kiss his new bride the pastor interrupts and promptly hand the groom four dollars and fifty cents.

(Apologies for all caps but it was sent to me like this)

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.

MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS
DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I
REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS
AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK
THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH
THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED
MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .

'YES. YES, I DID'. HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE. WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED. HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?' 'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED FACED, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SO-AND-SO ASKED,

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH'?

Thanks, Phoenix - I can't wait to see the new members of the family since I was last there - a horse and two piglets!

I'm sure a few of us will give it a go.

Happy travelling!

Signing off for a while - I leave for NZ this afternoon!
If anybody can be bothered to google 'jokes' , you can take over for a bit but be warned that it is not easy to find some that won't offend anybody. I found some very funny ones, but they were either filthy, racist or sexist! They gave me a good laugh, though!
That's all, folks!

crap advice

A lttle boy asks his dad "where does poo come from dad?"

His day explains "well son, food passes down the Osophagus by peristalsis. It enters into the stomach, where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal. This extracts the protein before waste product enter the colon. Water is absorbed, whereupon it then enters the rectum finally to emerge as poo".

"Blimey" says the little lad. "so where does Tigger come from then?".

An executive was interviewing a young woman for a position in his company. He wanted to learn something about her personality, so he asked, "if you could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?"

She quickly responded, "The living one."

Just bought some Tesco burgers — I wanted to get venison ones, but they were dead dear.

One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." The woman doctor agrees to it.

So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so.

Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. " You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man , a bit surprised. "How did you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing

Boss: Who said that just because I tried to kiss you at last month's Christmas party, you could neglect to do your work around here?

Secretary: My lawyer.

Sorry - I thought we might as well get it over and done.

For years we’ve been told that Ready Meals contain too much Salt and Shergar.

My wife cooked me a Findus lasagne last night she said “do you want anything on it?” I said a £5er each way

Let’s look on the bright side. At least you won’t get Mad Cow’s Disease from eating Findus Lasagne

Young pony to old mare: “Where do we go when we die Mummy?” Old Mare: “To a far-away land called Tesco. That’s where you’ll Findus.”

Just checked the dates and ingredients on my Findus Lasagnes and Tesco Burgers in the freezer ..."...and they're off...

Those were just gentle slopes, Anno! Remember there is a lot see around Chamonix next time.

I thought you'd already done that, Greatnan.